A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had a very traumatic breakup with my first love at the age of 16. We had a very deep and meaningful (yet turbulent) relationship. I have borderline personality disorder and was going through puberty; I took his pure love and mangled it all to hell. Towards the end I started pretty much demanding that he take my virginity and tried every trick in the book to get him to do so. By the time he did, I was so off the deep end emotionally that I went from cold and predatory to extremely attached and vulnerable. Needless to say, it freaked him out. By the third time we made love, I went from extremely aggressive during sex to very clingy immediately afterward. I looked at him lovingly after being very rough and demanding and told him I loved him. By then I had just exhausted every last bit of love he could hold for me, I kept breaking it off and getting back together, part of me thinks he just stuck around to see if maybe sex would fix things, and when they didn't I must have scared him by my erratic behavior. He told me he felt trapped when I said that, and I flew off the handle, sprang up to get dressed and kicked him out. Later on, I called him on the phone to apologize and he just let me know it was completely over and nothing I could do could make him love me again. First I broke down, then I did something awful and said I was pregnant (from the first time) and I didn't want to tell him. It was a total lie, but it scared him terribly at first... then he saw right through me. It was then that he cut me off. I totally had it coming, I know. I just lost it. I stalked him, harassed him and his family, then I grew cold from their rejection and decided to reject him. By the time he was ready to recognize me again, I pretended he didn't exist. Since he didn't try hard like he used to to get me to listen, I grew even more disturbed and went from extremes... calling his house at 2am one day, trash talking him the next, pretending it never happened the next... I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, started doing drugs and cutting... but to him I just pretended he had no power, no matter what I might do under cover of darkness, when I saw him face to face I would look right past him.Naturally he got tired of caring. I went off the deep end, he moved on. It was not hard for him to move on, based on my behavior. He had no idea how hurt I really was, I turned so cold to him.Time passed. I spiraled into the worst kind of life. He went to one of the best universities in the nation while I managed to embarrass and humiliate myself in just about every way possible with my choices and behavior. He never ever looked back, while I have obsessed and schemed and plotted for years.Three years ago I met a new guy who lifted me up and dusted me off. Saw the good in me. Respected me and expected more from me. We have a son together, we are engaged to be married, I am almost done with school, this should be my happy ending.Problem is, I think about my ex every day... every single day for the last 8 years, I think of him and send him love in a prayer... I still cry over him...I've seen three different therapists, been on medications, I have evolved into a much better person than I was when I was with him. I have a life full of blessings and abundance. I am not who I used to be and I am grateful.So why is my ex still in my heart? Why can't I just get him off my mind and let his absence be a form of peace?We haven't talked since everything, I miss him terribly and want to just apologize and let him see who I am now. The problem is, my behavior made him shut himself off from me completely with no way of contacting him or even knowing where he is. I have been thinking about writing him a letter at his parent's address just saying that I am truly sorry, that he meant a lot to me and that I hope his life is currently beautiful and happy without any strings attached. I wouldn't even include a return address. Would such a thing backfire? Or might he appreciate it after all I put him through?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): No doubt he still remembers you, but I'd guess you're somewhere at the back of his mind after 8 years and it was little more than a teenage romance anyway.
Why would you want to do this? You've got the man of your dreams and a child by him with a future to look forward to so everything in the garden should be rosy.
I don't see how writing to him could backfire if you don't give him your address - unless your fiance got to know about you contacting an ex which might cause trouble between you. Whether the ex would appreciate it is academic. After 8 years he's probably married with kids of his own, living a beautiful and happy life anyway.
If you still cry over him I'd say you're not over him and I'd question your motives here. I wonder how long it would remain 'no strings attached' if you regained contact and he was up for it? (which he probably isn't, by the sound of things).
If you need to get something off your chest, go ahead and write that letter. Pour your heart out in it. Lay your soul bare in it. Then read it through several times. Then tear it up and see if you feel any better.
The past is best left in the past in my experience, and that's where you need to leave your obsession with this guy. Make the most of the life that you've got ahead of you. The past can't be changed but the future is what you make it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): hi I'm Christina..let me just say ur story is beautiful..love is a great thing but it can destroy someone..my advice is yes write a letter talking about what u think would be best to be written..i believe in telling what is needed to be said or ull be silenced by ur own pain and agony..ur holding on to the one thing that made u feel special and secure..since he was a part of ur teen life[basically a child] u cant let go..and its normal..and u might feel some regret that uve been holding onto and ud like to let that go so write the letter but i would leave an address what if he has something to say to u?i wish u the best
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