A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, since we were 17. He was my first everything as well as my best friend and I really care about him. However, now that we're coming to the end of our degrees, we've started planning what we're going to do with ourselves. We've planned where we're going to be living, what age we want to get married, have children, how much money we're going to earn etc. and it's starting to freak me out. I really do want a future with him but I feel like I need to take some time out to travel, get drunk and have a few flings before I'm ready to settle down. I have a lot that I want to get out of my system..He loves me so so much and I couldn't bear to hurt him, I would never cheat on him, but I've been thinking a lot about other guys recently and I don't know what to do. Is it a phase that I'll snap out of soon?
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 March 2014):
 I tend to sit in the camp that you shouldnt stay with your teenage love, especially when they are your 'first' everything, you learn so much more about yourself by broadening your horizons and spending time with new people. How can you learn what you want and dont want until you have actually experienced it? You have nothing to compare against at the moment hence why you are feeling this way, you are wondering what else is out there and who else may make you feel something more than you feel now.
HOWEVER this is heavily caveatted - the grass is not always greener. Leaving him, you may go out and have some fun but then realise actually no-one can make you happier than he can, but its too late because the hurt is irreparable.
I had a boyfriend at the age of 17, ok so we were only together 10 months or so but I loved him to bits. Went away to uni and decided I wanted to have fun and see what else was out there, I was questioning whether I was too young to be settling down and wanted to experience all that uni had to offer. I soon realised I'd made a mistake but by then it was too late, and it took 6 years of hell to get over him properly. I still regret that decision, I think had I been more mature about it I'd probably still be with him today.
But it did teach me some valuable lessons, and now I'm finally over it all I have met a lovely man and we are getting married this year. I'm not a believe that there is just 'one' person out there, so while this guy you are with now could be your life partner, there are going to be other guys you are compatible with as well so dont worry thinking this is your only chance for future happiness.
You have to decide what is more important to you:
1. A future with your boyfriend or
2. Experiencing new things
You cant have both, perhaps you could go travelling and get drunk with your boyfriend but flings would not be possible, so you have to choose either your boyfriend or some flings. He wont wait around for you to have a few flings and come back either, he wont want you knowing what you have been doing in the time that you were apart. He wont be able to cope with that so dont think you can have a 'break' and go back to him when you are ready.
So its a clean break from your boyfriend into the unknown - or stay with your boyfriend and plan your future together.
You must be leaning more towards one than the other, so go with your gut. I always try and live life without regrets, so you have to weigh up what you might regret more:
- leaving your boyfriend
- or not experiencing all life has to offer
Being with different men is not the be all and end all, I'd actually say more important than having 'flings' is to spend at least 3-6 months being completely single and not dating, to learn about yourself as an individual. I bet you have changed a heck of a lot since you were 18, and you will change again as you get older, so its a very wise and fulfilling thing to do - just to be single, learn about you and what makes you happy.
It will be hard, especially since you are so used to being in a relationship - but all you have come to know is how a relationship makes you feel, you dont actually know how to make yourself happy anymore. And when you dont know how to make yourself happy, how can you expect anyone else to know how to make yourself happy?
Have a good long think about this, its a big decision - and perhaps if your boyfriend is willing to travel with you, then maybe you could have a year of getting drunk and having fun together.
But if you feel it is more important to experience life as a single girl for a while, then you have to be honest with him, make a clean break (i.e. no contact to help him get over you, no promising to meet up in a few months to see how you feel etc) and move on. You cant hold onto him if you decide to be single and have fun with other guys, you have to let him go 100% so he can move onto other girls too.
Its a hard thing to do with your first love but its cruel to try and keep in touch or remain friends, because ultimately he wants a future with you therefore it would not be a true friendship - he would still have feelings for you and would be hoping the friendship turns into something more. You can only stay friends with an ex when you both mutually decide the break up is for the best, if one person doesnt want the break up then a friendship wont work because there is too much hurt and too many feelings left over.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 March 2014):
I agree entirely with WiseOwl. You need to find out who you are, and what you want. Your future, realistically, is not with this guy. It will be with another man some time in the future, when you are genuinely in love, and genuinely ready to settle.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): He's got to be a man about things. You both need to get out in the world; and earn your independence and seek your goals.
He's used to having you around, and you're itching to get out in the world and grow-up.
You never fake-it by holding yourself back for the sake of not hurting someone feelings. Let no man stunt your growth as a woman, or delay your development as a person. You can't mother him.
If you want to date other guys, you really should. It is how you learn more about relationships; and understand more about dealing with different types of personalities. You don't know much about men; just a boy who is more like a brother than a boyfriend. He clings, because it's comfortable and not much of a challenge.
We all have to experience heartbreak to learn to survive it. Learn how to maintain relationships, and date different types of people to enjoy the company of diverse personalities.
We have to broaden our horizons in order to grow. If it is meant to spend your life with him, there is nothing that will ever get in the way of that. However; he may not hold the same degree of ambition and desire to travel and explore. You have to discover your own identity and potential, in order to become a self-reliant individual; and a powerful woman. Not always be his small-town sweetheart.
He may hold you back from your personal-growth and enlightenment. You are at the age where this is crucial in your maturity and continued development. Puppy-loves are not meant to last forever. They do, only when both parties equally want them to. They tend to remain a little sheltered and naive. Then later in life look back at what they think they may have missed along the way.
Frankly discuss your feelings and be honest with him. Let him know that you have to get out in the world and discover yourself. You should encourage him to do the same.
He has to start his journey toward manhood; so when he does decide to take a wife and have a family, he has the experience and a good foundation to build his life upon. Neither of you have that now. You both have to go out into the world and explore life. Find your callings. Develop your survival skills. Become balanced and well-adjusted adults.
Too many young people have no clue how to cope with the challenges of life; due to the lack of exposure. Failure to learn how to overcome obstacles and learn to defeat adversity. Deal with rejection and disappointment; without
surrendering to failure. They curl-up and lie in the fetal-position; afraid to face anything that might be a little uncomfortable. Terrified of the unknown. Get out and face it head-on and become a strong woman.
You're ready. So seek your future.
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