A
female
age
36-40,
*ightningrod247
writes:I have been 'shacking up' with my boyfriend for the past 6 months and for the most part things have been going well. Except one major thing. He loves to have his friends over, and it has gotten worse since they have all now recently graduated. One in particular who has yet to find a job is constantly over at our house playing video games. Ussually when he is over he stays for days at a time, and my boyfriend usually just tells me he is coming over instead of asking if it is OK. Last week he stayed for 6 days and nights and this weekend he came right back. He hasn't even been gone for a full week and he is still there.He screams and curses at the video game and even with the door shut I can still hear him. They keep me up at night and make me jumpy throughout the day. My boyfriend works a lot so sometimes I feel like I spend more time in the house with his friend than I do him - even if he friend remains glued to the computer.He also seems to attract more screaming video playing men over when he is there because the rest of his friends seem to find him entertaining and are constantly in and out like they live there for the duration that he is there.At one point last week I was at the house with 6 other men laughing and playing video games while my boyfriend was still at work.When I told my boyfriend this bothers me he told me that he just "isn't over that part of his life yet," and blames my job for forcing me to go to bed at a reasonable time while they get to stay up. He thinks I can do better. Shouldn't he be the one that tries to adjust? This seems to childish.Is this the end?
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male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (10 June 2008):
 yeah thats not good at all, if hes not willing to talk with you about the problems your haveing then i would say its time to look for a new guy, because your right, thats not the way relationships work. either he talks with you or you should get outa there.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 June 2008):
 Ouch. Not good. Did you have the conversation with him while he was at work? I know that sometimes my guy is too busy to deal with domestic issues and I wait until he's home and relaxed to talk with him about a problem.
If he was at work, then maybe you just need to give him a little bit of time to process this, before you conclude anything.
If he wasn't at work, and it was a conversation in person, then well, eek. Not good at all. I agree that that is not how relationships work. A problem you're having with him and his friends in your own home is not 'your' problem solely.
I'd unplug the computer game, remove it and hide it away for now. That will deal with one of 'your' problems. And you've done your own thing.
Now I'm being childish, I know. But, damn, girl, this is just not the way to work out an issue between two grown ups.
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A
female
reader, lightningrod247 +, writes (10 June 2008):
lightningrod247 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow he is saying that he is too stressed at work to deal with my problems and that I should "do my own thing" for a while cause he can't take anymore stress. that is not the way relationships worked last time I checked.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 June 2008):
It is indeed childish behavior. You and he live together, you and he should be able to work out some kind of reasonable compromise on this. If he's not willing to compromise, then maybe you do need to rethink the 'shacking up' with him until he's done his 'growing up.'
There should be limits as to when and how long people can crash at your place. Six days to my mind is far too long. An occasional overnight, fine, but six days? Not so much.
I also think as part of working out the compromise that the video game get some limits set on it too, so that you can sleep and be ready and well-rested for a day's work. It is unreasonable to keep you awake at night because they don't respect your hours and your job. If they want to play video games, they can do it quietly, or even better, not at all while you're catching your zzzz's.
Who's paying the bills? I expect you both pay your share, so you are entitled to live in a household with mutually agreed on activity.
If I were feeling really angry about this, I might contrive to have the video game suffer an accident. Perhaps someone leaves a drink on it, and it gets spilled into the unit, rendering it unplayable? Well, that would be a childish solution, I know, but somehow satisfying to contemplate. Just thinking about that might help you feel better.
I think he needs to understand that you are truly serious about this and that he needs to do some compromising too. Say two nights a week, when you don't have to get up early for work, that's when all the video game playing can go on.
I'd go mad if my husband's friends were over here all the time, even when he wasn't home. I fully understand your frustration on this point.
Who's doing the cleaning up after these events? I hope you are not expected to do that!
Okay, my advice, start looking for another place to live, and let him know that you are doing this. But first, try to work out a compromise with him. If he's not willing to manage his friend's overstaying of your hospitality, and respect your need for a decent night's sleep, then you'll be in this same position six months from now, and you'll be even more angry and frustrated. So let him know that this is a deal breaker for you, if indeed it is.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (10 June 2008):
well first of all i think it would be important for you to set a day of the week for just you two. tell your man that you want need one day with him with no interuptions. which should be a day that you both dont have to work. believe me a date night is important in any relationship. also a dtae night will limit how many days his friends can spend the night, because they will all have to leave the night befor your date night. now you also need to be a little understanding in some ways, you should tell him that its ok for them to still be over after you go to bed just as long as there quiet, tell him you will give them 3 strikes, if you have to tell them to quiet down 3 times there outa there for the night. i do believe that in time they will not be around as much so you should take these steps and just wait out the rest, unless other problems arise. one last thing, do you like to play video games? because it would be a good idea for you to become friends with his friends.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (10 June 2008):
 so he thinks you can do better? well maybe you can do better than him, or at least issue an ultimatum.
if you pay to live there which i'm assuming you do his friends are taking the piss, and his lack of respect for your needs and the fact that his friends needs take precedence over yours is ridiculous and something that bodes badly for any future you two might share.
6 days at a time is WAY too much to spend mooching around in a mates house and this boy need to get a job and become a man.
all of this seems childish because it is
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