A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Known my partner for over four years, been seeing him for over 3. I'm in my mid twenties, and he's in his early thirties. When we first got together we had been very very close friends. It was very intense, and we talked about our feelings and how much we wanted to be together. He told me he didn't want to have a relationship with me unless he was going to give his all to make it work.In the start I stayed round his 2-4 nights a week. We saw each other most days, if not every day. Slowly we saw less and less of each other. He stopped letting me stay over, except very rarely, maybe once a month. From the beginning he had keys to my house, I'm not allowed keys to his. He doesn't call me unless he has to ask something or arrange something, and that rarely happens. He doesn't always answer the phone to me, and is maybe 50-60% of the time irritated or defensive or hostile because I've called him just to say hi and find out how he is. But if I try really hard and don't call him for a couple of days, he gets sulky, upset and angry that I haven't called, makes me feel really guilty. Even though, if it bothered him that much, he could have just called me. Sometimes he turns up at my house unexpectedly, just to say hi, or whatever. It has taken until the last few months for me to be able to do the same, and he still reacts somewhat defensively if I just come round without calling and asking permission first. I cook for him at least once a week. He used to cook for me, but hasn't in months, maybe even a year. About 18 months ago, he broke up with me. I said I was being neurotic and he couldn't cope (I had been easily upset, clingy and paranoid, but then he had been acting very distant and strange... because he had been thinking about breaking up with me). He said he couldn't trust me around men, and that he was jealous of my flatmate (I have been 100% faithful, don't even consider other men, and very vocally disliked my flatmate - he had the same reaction to my previous flatmate who was openly gay, as well. To add context, he is very clear about not wanting to live with me, so that's not what he's jealous of, he just doesn't like me having 'in jokes' with other men). He said he would review the break up in 8 weeks, because he had a lot of work to do. But I could still e-mail if I wanted. I was devastated. But I stayed strong, I didn't call or email or write. I made sure I was up and out the house, seeing friends and so on. Just over a week later he wanted to see me. He said he had been silly, he was just stressed from work etc etc. I desperately wanted to make him work for it, but I took him back, and to my lasting shame, had sex with him that very night (why did I let myself be so easy?!). And so, it's 18 months on. He doesn't say 'I love you', or reply to me saying it, except with silence, 'thank you' or 'I know'. He used to say it when we were first together, and says that he shouldn't have to say it, because I should know, and that saying it to make me feel good is reinforcing my emotional weakness. He had always, always refused to talk about the future, whether it's what's happening next week, to what's happening in 5 years. He will not plan fantasy holidays, will not discuss what kind of house he likes, will not talk about where in the world he'd like to live, or what job he wants in life. He gets upset and angry if I ask about the future, and within the first year banned me from asking "so what's the plan?" in reference to 'what are we going to do today/this week?" because having to come up with a 'plan' is too much pressure. His parents don't know about me, though he has met mine many many times, even before we were together, and they adore him. When he's coming with me to my parents, for a couple of days, he tells his parents he's at a conference for work. If I am upset about any of this, or even want to talk about our relationship, where it's going, what he wants and so on, he says I'm neurotic, I'm 'being crazy', that he's too tired, to ill or too stressed to talk "but we will soon". He's been saying we'll have 'the talk' soon for over 2 years. I'm just getting so tired of the lack of emotional support, and of feeling like I don't know where I stand, and like I am making a fool of myself committing my life to somebody who might just be having a bit of fun with me. I feel like I'm getting old, and that I'm going to spend years and years of my life with somebody I love but who doesn't love me. He is looking for a new job, but won't discuss it with me, though he says he has applied all over the country, and in other countries, and he has had interviews abroad. I am worried I'm going to uproot my life, spend my savings, relocate, and still not be good enough for him. I just don't know what to do. I want to be with him, but I want him to be with me. He says he does want to be with me, that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't want to. But I just have no way of knowing whether or not he's in any way committed to me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): The bad news is that you aren't in an emotional relationship. He sounds like the neurotic one since he can't seem to share his feelings let alone his future beyond the next week. He sounds self absorbed. He very well could be seeing someone else and is projecting his guilt on to you (perhaps why he suspects you of cheating with a gay flatmate.)The good news is that you are not old. You are young and you will find other people. You can indeed break up with him. Being single feels a lot better than being regularly ignored. He probably knows you are afraid to leave him and is capitalizing on your fear. He thinks you will always come back no matter what he does, because he suspects you of being weak, neurotic, or "crazy". What I would do is get/steal your keys back and make the personal choice of breaking up with him. Get your keys first. Say what you need to and let him go. I've been with a guy like this...you don't need to chose to put up with an a**hole because it's the only hell you know. I promise you, you'll feel so much better afterwards.
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