A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it true that women just want bad guys?I'm a good natured guy, and whenever I'm in a relationship with someone I will do anything to try and keep them happy and show them I care. Unfortunately I've just gone through my 3rd break up from a significant relationship and I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm doing something wrong.All three of my previous relationships have ultimately ended because of commitments with university. The first was a long distance relationship which lasted two years and it had to end because she was going to uni and didn't think she would be able to commit to me, which is fair enough given the issue of distance which was with us throughout our relationship.The second had to end because she was going on a placement year in the United States, so obviously there was no point staying together during that. Though this is where my question really spawns from, because we were together for nine months and in that time I was always good to her (I believe) and yet she would always try and argue with me at any chance she got. Is she just somebody who likes drama, or is there more to it than that?The most recent girl was just wonderful. I have never met anybody with such a lovely personality and energy about her. She's a very special girl. However, we met in our first week of uni of the year, this being her first year and it being my last. She decided that she needed time to adjust to the town where we study without me being around, otherwise she would come back after summer and everything would remind her of me. This is fine, but now I think she might be pursuing another guy on her course... I suppose this is fair because she needs to move on and so do I, but it just seems so soon. We were only together for 4 1/2 months, but she has secured a special place in my heart in that time and if she is starting something already it doesn't make me feel like I secured a place in hers despite my best efforts.I may just be feeling a bit robbed because I've been through this so many times and I'm trying to find some reason to blame myself. As you can tell I'm the kind of guy who just wants to make his partners happy and have a positive impact on their lives. I just don't feel like I am and I'm not sure why. All of them have said that I've done nothing wrong and that our relationship was, in the case of my most recent ex, "Amazing", which really means a lot. But I must be doing something wrong surely! But the only thing I can think that I do wrong is that I'm a bit of a tickler! I imagine that that's probably really annoying, but is that a reason why I can never hold a relationship or IS IT just circumstantial? Please help!
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male
reader, OpalSea  +, writes (13 March 2011):
I've been in the same boat as you. The most important thing is to realise you are fulfilled, beautiful and complete as you are right now. Our mind always feels a lack, which it thinks it can fill based on external objects, but our essential being is already whole, we should not identify with our mind's restless thoughts. Being careful about which girls you choose is also important. Unfortunately some of the witty and attractive ones are also dependent on being the centre of attention and their love, though true and powerful, may get distracted sooner than a with girl who is less so. That said, less "attractive" looking women are often more fun to be with as they've had to develop a personality.This guy, Eckhart Tolle also helps to realise that we should live in the present moment and let go of the past or future. Letting go of the "poor me" belief is important, most people have suffered many things. What makes someone happy or sad is a choice, many happy people have consciously chosen to be happy after some personal tragedy. Just based on selfish motives, it makes sense to be happy and enjoy the present moments of our life rather than dwell on the past or future.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou've made a good point chigirl, that was a very thoughtful and well drawn out response, thank you. I don't know why I worry about not meeting the right woman. I know that eventually I will end up with somebody right for me. I think I just need time to get over this relationship. Like I say, I consider my ex to be one of the happiest, most fun person I've ever shared a relationship with. Therefore the thought of being with her for a long time was a very happy thought, and now that it's gone I feel rather empty.
Forgive me for continuing to vent, but tonight everything seemed to hit me pretty hard. It dawned on me that on top of losing the girl I love I have a lot of coursework to do and that the last few months of university and possibly beyond that are going to be very lonely. The work I can handle, though it is pretty daunting because I'm going through all this, but I'm really worried about my social life.
My social life at university has been okay until now, though I only usually go out with one of my flatmates, and until now it has always been him joining me, my now ex girlfriend and her friends. My other flatmates sometimes join us but it's very rare. They either aren't into going to clubs or can't afford to come out with us. So I've essentially gone from have 3 options to have a night out to just 1. My social life at home is even worse. All of my friends went off to different uni's/moved away so it occurs to me that when uni is over I will have very few people here to go out and have fun with.
The worst part is, I think that's why I depend so much on having somebody to love. I don't have many friends in my life. Having a girlfriend means I have somebody to interactive and shower my attention on to, and feel loved in return. Without that... I dunno... I'm lonely, and that really scares me. What can I do? How do I change my outlook? I can't keep depending on girlfriends to fill my empty life, because it may destroy me eventually. How do I fill this void?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 If a girl thinks you tickle too much she'll tell you it's too much. Just check her behaviour and reaction when you tickle. If she smiles and giggles it's ok. If she goes sour on you it's time to tone it down a notch.
I'd like to share an idea with you. Say you meet a person now, and you're worried she might NOT be the greatest thing ever. But then as you get to know her you see more sides to her and she seems great. Then you marry her. You are not scared that you will think you found someone better, had you just waited longer? Or scared that the girls who didn't want you were better, and that you should have fought harder to get them back? Or what exactly? Point one, you can't know who's "better" than the other. It's impossible to know. You can only know who's great right here and now. But 20 years down the line, who's greater for you?
So you marry this girl, and maybe you are still worried she's not the greatest one for you. But, she is the only one you share your marriage with. You and her have something special you will never have with anyone else. Sure it'd be different with someone else, but better? Is it truly possible to say that?
Then you have children with this woman. Would you worry your children would be better had you married another woman? Would you worry that the great joy you feel once you and your wife first look upon your child, would be better had it been with another woman?
Memories and joy of life are created and experienced between people. You choose who you want to share those experiences with, but there is no comparison between people. The love you feel for one person is not better than the love you feel for another. The children you have with one person is not better than the children you have with another.
You shouldn't ever regret what you did do, but regret the things you didn't do. Thats how I think of life. Don't look back because you can't take away the past, and the experiences you make widen your horizon and makes you a better person, every day. No matter what person you choose to be your wife, you live the life you have now, and you only have one life. You have the power to make the best out of it, your happiness is not dependent on you finding the ultimate match made in heaven. It's beyond human knowledge who would have been more ultimate for us or whatever. It's beyond our knowledge how life looks 20 years from now. People grow and change.
Instead of thinking that your happiness lies in fate, and in finding ms.perfect... try instead and take control of your own happiness. You create it, by being a lovely man, rich with experience, who takes good care of the ones he loves, who works hard, who is a problem solver and not a problem maker, who trust his woman, and is honest. When your woman treat you back the same way, and when she makes you happy, you never have to worry about how much "better" life would have been with someone else. Because as long as you make sure that you are HAPPY, just the way things are, by your own creation... then what more can you ask for?
A good relationship needs constant work. Even the most perfect couple would wither away should they stop working on their relationship. So you can not let your happiness be in the hands of fate, shrug your shoulders and sit back and wait for the "best relationship" to hit you on the head. You have to work for it. And with hard work (from both parts) the best relationship will blossom. A relationship that is created between the two of you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you so much for your answers folks, they are of great comfort.
I worry that I do get sucked in way too far as Capri2 mentioned. I don't know why I do, but for whatever reason it seems that I fall in love pretty easily. And what's worse is I know I do it to myself. When I'm with a girl I give them 100% commitment. On top of that I'm the sentimental type. I really like my partner to feel like she is special. For example, for Christmas I bought my most recent girl a necklace from a little known online jewellery supplier. She only told me about this place once but I kept it in my mind and she was delighted with it and seemed to be overjoyed that I'd been so thoughtful. For Valentines day I bought us a sharers chocolate box, a movie she likes on DVD, cooked her one of her favourite meals and hid a real rose in the kitchen and kept it out of side until it was time to serve the food. I placed it on the side of her plate and put it in front of her on the table. She was thrilled.
I think that sums up the kind of guy I am. I know I'm a good guy, but she is a great girl who I really want to make happy. For a 22 year old guy this is crazy, but when I'm older and get married I want to know that my partner is the best girl I have ever been with and that I will never feel like I could have done better. I also want to know that she thinks of me as the greatest thing that ever happened to her. Anything else I fear I will regret.
Your thoughts guys? Please keep the messages coming, they really are helpful, thank you so much!
p.s, yes Banshee, a tickler is somebody who likes to tickle. Please don't get me wrong I'm not some obsessed giggly maniac, it's just something I tend to do without even realising I'm doing it. I suppose it's just one of my ways of showing affection. I mean no harm I just worry I do it too much!
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (26 February 2011):
I don't reckon you are doing something wrong. I think that these girls weren't that into you as you were into them. You can't get stuck with people who don't appreciate you. The best thing you can do is move on.Girls do like bad guys, especially when they are young. But not ALL girls like bad guys. And girls like bad guys for having fun. Not for marrying them. So don't change yourself because you will regret it twice.
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A
female
reader, JDinCali  +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Try not to take these break-ups too personal. Women from teens to mid-twenties, generally, don't know who they are. It's a huge time for self discovery and a lot of women, (and even men), during their early twenties don't want to commit to anything. It's a time for rebellious freedom from parental control where anything goes.The important thing to do is exactly what you're doing; taking the high road. Life can be packed with enough guilt, you don't need the bad memories of treating someone like something expendable. The ability to love is the experience of loving. You know you're a good man. I applaud you for not becoming jaded and realizing their decisions are their issues. ...can't really blame them totally though; there's a lot of uncertainty with students moving around and at least you can appreciate the fact they're wanting to avoiding future heartbreak. Just focus on dating, not trying to find the love of your life, for now. After Uni, when you get established with a job things will get better for you. The ladies will have a 'been there done that' attitude and will be more serious and appreciative of a good man in their lives.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 February 2011):
I sincerely do not think you're doing anything wrong. The break-ups weren't bad, they were due to different wants and needs, which were clearly stated. Whether they were the true reasons or not is pointless to debate.
But, my belief is that you just haven't met the one for you yet. Not all people are a great match, so no matter how nice you are, some people just aren't good together. Different personalities is the main factor in this, not kindness or caring, or being a good man. Just different wants and needs. They were perhaps what you needed, but you weren't what they needed.
If that's the case then do not worry. It doesn't mean you're not worthy of someone great. But as the saying goes, you have to kiss some frogs before you find the prince, or princess.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Maybe it is just circumstantial... You seem to be a very caring and genuine guy all round, so don't go changing yourself to find a different sort of girl. You will eventually find a girl who appreciates and loves you exactly the way you are.
Uni can be a very scattered time of life for alot of people, settling in away from home, meeting new people, workloads and socialising and even placements abroad. You have now finished uni, so if you find someone who has also finished their uni studies, then maybe everything will be a little less hectic and therefore pan out alot better.
Don't give up hope, be yourself and someone out there will spot you for who you really are and will love you for it!
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