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*ithnail700
writes:As I am forty in a week's time and finding myself still single, it seemed a good time to write down some thoughts on Love and the seemingly endless amount of torment that we all seem to put ourselves through in its pursuit. And at times it really does feel like torment. How often have we all met someone whom has ticked all those 'little boxes', made us feel good and alive for a few precious moments only to find that we're not happy inwardly, not in love with that person? And how many of us have fought against those tell tale little gut feelings and found ourselves trapped in long term relationships and even marriages when all along, we have known deep down that something was wrong? It seems at times that God has presented with a conundrum - he has given us a medium in which we as adults, have the chance of happiness and to be 'complete' - yet he has hidden the key to this 'little box' in such a way as to make its discovery a feat of utter chance. For those of us lucky enough to find it, it's the portal to a world of intensity and colour, depth and fulfilment, completeness and spiritual nourishment. But sadly for the greater majority of us it seems as though we have but two choices - either to make a pact with our insecurities and 'settle', or live life alone, searching in the wilderness for that hidden key, desperately hoping that time doesn't run out on us. And at forty years old, it can at times be hard to remain positive. After all, what are the chances of finding mutually felt love? I don't want to appear a doom-monger but it doesn't take much to realise that they are slim! It seems so cruel. No wonder the divorce rates are sky-high. My take on this is that True Love is ever-lasting; people lucky enough to discover it cannot get free of its intense power, even if they tried - but then why would they? It sucks you in in its tractor beam, you cannot get free, you don't want to be free, it's all-consuming, all devouring. Sure, the physical intensity lessens after time, but it evolves into something else, something even more deep, it is ever changing, ever present, ever powerful, holding two people together for years, decades, a lifetime. That's Love for me. And the alternative? The alternative sadly (for the rest of us) is the run of the mill basic physical attraction and the emotional rush which accompanies the onset of a relationship. But this type of 'love' (if you could call it that) quickly dies, leaving us with hollowness and doubts, non-fulfillment and then eventually the inevitable hurt and pain. And before we know it years or even decades have been wasted, time lost and the chances of finding real love lowered as the clock ticks on ceaselessly.No wonder all the 'confusion' - people everywhere struggling to balance the conflict between head and heart. 'How do I know when I'm in love?' Only a question asked by those whom have never experienced Love. It's so true what they say - when it's there it's just there, you cant ignore it or escape it. You just 'know'. And those annoying little gut feelings are always so right. They tell us pretty much from the word go if someone is right or wrong for us. It's only when we find ourselves overruling such warning signs that we end up in loveless relationships or marriages. Sure, it's better to be alone that to live with compromise, and there are those of us who can claim to be perfectly happy alone. But I wonder if these people are being brutally honest. We are after all human, and it is a basic human need to love and be loved. And its when you consider such a scenario that you begin to see the mess that we're all in, most of us are in reality, adrift upon a sea of loneliness and unfulfilled hopes and dreams, ever aware that our chances of success are limited. Sure, you cant let the odds get you down, and you can live a life alone and be contented, but I think personally that contentment is a very long way from the lasting happiness and spiritual fulfilment experienced those lucky enough to have found the 'Holy Grail'. So that's all sorted then. At least it is to me, my own head has never been clearer in fact. I will not compromise in future with my relationship choices. I want it all or none at all. There's only one problem which still poses a threat to my 'model' of human relationships. What if one never does find that golden key? How long does the desire to search for it last? How long do we continue to search before we give up? And what then? Do we finally resign ourselves to compromise, simply in order to share a bed, to have a companion, to have a degree of human togetherness? I have an uncle who went through hell on his lifelong quest for love, for the majority of his adult life he went through horrendous break-ups, divorces and heartache. Yet he had devastating good looks and was spoilt for choices with girls. But after searching for love for so long and without success he suddenly gave up one day in his mid-fifties; settling down with someone who happened to be there at the time I guess. He told me he'd found 'stability' but to me it simply sounded like a more palatable word for compromise. Yet I cannot blame him, for I myself feel that I won't have the desire to search forever. There may well come a time when those little tell-tale gut feelings get overruled once and for all, outvoted by my human desire to be with someone. I guess I can't really end on a negative note, for all it seems hard. I suppose for those of us brave enough to weather the storm of loneliness and uncertainty, the rewards can be immeasurable - and it CAN happen. One single moment is all it takes, a chance encounter - and our lives are changed forever. Perhaps the true rewards of being alone are that we can still dream. And I believe that dreams are so utterly important. Such dreams get stifled and silenced when we're in loveless relationships or marriages. Being alone gives those hopes are dreams the space they need to grow and evolve - and that in itself can be a romantic feeling which can help to sustain us as human beings. So I guess my message to all the other non-fulfilled yet strong lone wolves out there is this - stay strong and true to yourselves - we still have our hopes and dreams intact. And one day you might just strike gold!
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reader, Withnail700 +, writes (24 February 2010):
Withnail700 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your thoughts BB, another excellent reply. As times goes by I find myself thinking about Love more and more. I have become wiser in the last decade or so I think, and feel I have answered many questions that in the past have perplexed me. Love is indeed out there, and I think not just one, but many people can have the right credentials to be 'the one' for us - it's just a simple matter of meeting them. That really is the only difficult part I guess. And I also feel that True Love is as they say - total and all encompassing, spectacular and vivid, life changing and ever lasting. And I think you can feel it right from the start, just in the same way that we know when someone isn't right either. That instinctive mechanism is working from the moment two lovers meet for the first time.
It's all about chance, simply being somewhere at the right time and place. And I guess there's a good deal of waiting involved too, rather frustratingly. I think we tend to get into problems when we actively go out and look for Love - I guess that's when compromises get made. I think internet dating and dating agencies for example can be okay as a bit of fun perhaps, but the fact of the matter is that you can just end up meeting people who are lonely and desperate to be with someone and I think that's when priorities can get confused. But I guess waiting alone for years on end for the love of your life to turn up is hardly most people's idea of fun!
I guess all of us single people just have to shrug our shoulders once in a while and say 'hey, it might happen one day, but I'm not going to be stop living my life and smiling in the meantime'. Fingers crossed!
A
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reader, Withnail700 +, writes (21 February 2010):
Withnail700 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionExcellent answer, and in so many ways very helpful and reassuring to those of us who are still single. I'm not sure if I'm a believer in the 'meant to be, not meant to be' idea or that there is such a thing as fate or destiny, but I do think that some of us are far more likely to remain single simply because we choose to be true to ourselves and not accept compromise. I guess if you look at it that way, it's easy to see how a lifetime can be spent alone as such a 'militant' approach carries a heavy penalty in terms of the likelihood of finding mutually felt love. This is simply because it is so much rarer than the 'norm' which I suppose you might characterise the average marriage/relationship.
And I also completely agree with your last point, which is also something which I should have added - that Life is beautiful, together or alone. Of course it is! Thank you!
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A
female
reader, OFW  +, writes (21 February 2010):
There is a question that is appropriate to your post:
What if you were meant to be single in your life?
I know sometimes it is how we handle our relationships that make us available or taken, but to be honest, there are many people out there who is more perfect, more ideal..yet they remain to be single. There are people who are such cheaters, mean, selfish and yet they have a bunch who run after them for their love and attention.
For sure, many if not everyone will protest to my belief that some people are just meant to be single. That may even be their purpose in life. Because there are these people, no matter how they try to save their relationships, chose the seemingly right people, they still end up being left or end up leaving. No matter how they try, relationships isnt a lasting one for them. They just simply meet the wrong people all the time. So what if they are just meant to be that? Single.
We cannot say there is something wrong with them. Maybe some do have something wrong in them. But there are some who are just perfect enough to find a partner but still they are single. Put them in a relationship and they are abused. Introduce them to other people and they don't find the one who will click with them. Any situation you give them, it would always be the wrong time at the wrong place. Or the wrong person.
In short, if all else fails and still they haven't met the one who will be for them..it is time to consider the idea that maybe..they are just meant to be single. Is there anything wrong with that anyway?
Like for me, I don't blame myself or anyone that I am still single. I don't lose hope but I don't expect too. I just go with the flow and live my life, knowing I am as important as everybody else.
If I meet the one for me, great! If I don't meet him, still life is good. It is better to have no one than to have someone who will just hurt you, abuse you or cheat on you. Do not forget
No hard feelings being single. :) We will meet or not meet the one for us..life is still beautiful.
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