A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so, this might sound really childish and terrible but I honestly have NO idea what to do and since the whole topic and question in hand is on my head I need help with the answer: Ive been in a ''Friends With Benefits'' relationship for about a year now, but from the beginning Ive told the guy that I was a virgin and that we could ''mess around'' just not have sex. He was perfectly fine with that, every time we meet up we have got closer and closer to having sex. He has put very little pressure on me saying that he totally understand that I dont want to ''give this to him'' and that the whole thing is totally my decision, but I know that he would love to be my first and have sex with me. I told him the other day that the next time we meet up that we could possibly have sex I said ''If I dont freak out and im still very 50/50 about it'' And now Im just really worried, sometimes when I think about it I would love for him to be my first and then other times I just say no never ever. I mean my whole life Ive said that the first time I have sex with anybody will be my husband etc etc but now im very confused. I like this guy but is it a totally terrible thing if I lose my virginity to a friends with benefits and not even a boyfriend?! And If I do then will I just regret my decision? and that when I do find somebody that I will end up marrying that Ill have to explain to them that Ive already had sex and stuff, blah. (I mean isint that the main reason why brides wear WHITE dresses?) I feel that whatever my decision is Ill just regret it so now im wondering if I should even keep up with the relationship that we have. Am I ready way too much into all of this? Thoughts please? thank you so much!! (background: we are both 19 and hes not a virgin)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You for all the advice guys, it has really meant a lot to me to try and get my head around everything and finally come up with an answer. When I see the guy next Im going to ask (ask not demand) him to tell me whats going on inside his tiny head, at the end of the day hes a great guy and even without all the other stuff we could be great friends. So yeah, thanks again :D
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): Hi. Im so glad to read your post. I was in a similar situation where i had a fwb for a significant time as a virgin. Many people advised me against getting involved with him saying i would forever regret it. Beingoonly 18 and wanting this thrilling relationship i went along with. He took my virginity and left me with question if i had done the right thing considering how people view virginity. To this day i don't regret it. I had fun with a guy i had no attachment to. It was one of the best nights of my life despite the lack of emotional connection. I personally enjoyed not having to be connected to him. I say do it BUT only if there are no feelings involved. Don't only have sex with a guy you want more from because you will always have that void. Go for it otherwise. You have your whole life to have sex with someone you love. Have sex while you are young to enjoy the sex not all the baggage
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): Never ever do this to yourself cause you're gonna regret it. I did it. I was young, just like you. And it ruined me. I'm telling you It's gonna devour you.
See, girls around this age, just like us, can be hopelessly fantasy and curious about guys and things that they've never tried. But for god's sake, please think of the consequences! What could you get out of it?
That guys would think you are generous? That you are open?
Don't be naive. Save your fantasy for the right guy. Treasure yourself and that's the only way he would treasure you.
I know this might sounds lectural but you have to believe me. I was on that boat, which I never should have board.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): You may not want to wait until marriage but this is not the right guy.
Don't believe that men have stopped caring about virgins. Young guys are still being born with the same old genetic programming men have had for 100,000 years, and that means they prefer non-promiscuous women for serious relationships. They haven't stopped wanting virgins, they just stopped having the option of getting them. (Guys these days get verbal abuse for admitting to wanting a virgin. Even VIRGIN GUYS get crapped on for feeling that way.)
Most guys compromise and just hope for a woman who has kept sex in serious relationships as much as possible. If given the choice, we would rather her number of boyfriends be higher than her number of sex partners, not vice versa.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): First of all nowadays men don't really care if you re a virgin or not before you met them. And if they do, why would you want to have someone like that anyway.
I really don't understand how you are at 19 even thinking of doing it with someone who you are not even dating. Especially with your kind of thinking about virginity issues. Do you think he would care about this fact? Do you think he will start liking you more and make you his girlfriend after that? Of course he would tell you a bunchof things like he doesn't want to pressure and so on. He knows you like him, and he knows if he sticks around you will give it to him.
My advice would be never ever get into FWB situation with anyone. What's in it for you? Of course for guys have their effortless and obligation free sex, but is that what you want or need? Do you really want a guy just use your body for some sexual relief? Just understand one thing: for guys sex is not like it is for us, girls. For them it's like a sneeze, for us especially at your age it's surrounding by feelings and intimacy. Also we have a misconception of Guys liking you if he wants to have sex with you. Especially with FWB situations he doesn't nesseserally likes you, or the way you look. He might have his bar set very low to go to bed with you.
I worked when I was younger at all young male joint for a couple of years, and believe me the things I heard them talking about their sexual encounters.
One guy especially was very grafic in describing his one night stands, using descriptions like"she looked like a horse", he wanted to cover her face with pillow, and so on. Once I was entering a bar with my girlfriend, and two guys were leaving. One of them noticing us said:" o, shit, pretty girls, and we just picked up 2 ugy ones. So, as you see they don't care who they take home if the urge comes.
Don't do it with him. You are risking your emotional well being with him big time.
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female
reader, Makayla5893  +, writes (27 July 2013):
Hi :) I understand your concern. It needs to be something you are 100% ready for and if you're having doubts then its probably not a good idea. Are you in a 'friends with benefits' style of relationship because that's what he calls it? A friends with benefits arrangement implies that there is no committment to the other person, and it would not be considered unusual if both people were sleeping with other people. Do you want him as your boyfriend? It sounds like he has been having his cake and eating it too for a year now- meaning he is getting the hook ups without the commitment. I think he may be taking advantage of your inexperience with men and relationships in the past. Its hard to say because I dont know either of you, but only you can make the big decision at the end of the day. In my humble opinion, if he's not willing to commit to being your boyfriend after a year, he doesn't deserve your virginity. All the best! :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): no wait till u find your husband and have sex with him on your wedding night. He deserves that from you. That's the short answear and the best answear I can give
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): I've never met anyone who ever regretted waiting for the right time with the right person.
I've known plenty of people who regretted giving it up too soon to the wrong person for all the wrong reasons.
It's always going to be easy to change your mind about something you regret not having done yet, it's always going to be impossible to change your mind about something you regret having already done.
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