A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a LDR of 11/2 years. I developed a habit of snooping very early in the relationship which I think is really bad. I have already fallen in love with the guy so it was hard to get rid of him. He does this thing that I have never seen with any other guy I date. He loves women and loves to exchange "Love" words with them. It boosts his ego I guess. Over the times I snooped, I have yet to see anything that indicated that he has officially had sexual relations with these women. I have confronted him and his response is "I know I do stupid things but I am getting rid of the old habit. The worst sin he could commit was have sex with another woman. Other women will not care about the things that I care about" I have read books and stayed on online relationship advice sites like this to figure out how I cna help myself and the relationship. He is not a bad guy but he is toxic because of his behavior.When we go out to the mall he is holding my hands. But when we go to a party that his friend invites us to, he is distant from me. Almost like he doesnt want people to know we came together. He claims that public affection and publicity of his relaitonship in the past have destroyed his past relationships so he lieks it to be low-key as possible.In the beginning he was so quick to introduce me to his friends and family as his wife but then he started becoming distant after 6 months. I have given him space and time and tried everything to make him to commit to me but it looks like its not working. As long as he continues this ego boosting behavior and talks to other women, I dont think this relationship will ever work out. I am tired of trying. I want to go out and date but I dont seem to be getting anything out here. I am very beautifula nd get hit on at the job a lot. I just am tired of relationships and the whole dating rules and games.Those who were successful in LDR, how did you convince your partner to move closer to you? I feel that the two factors endangering out relationship is distance and his partial commitment.Also let me add that he finally caught me looking through his phone on my last weekend trip this Saturday. Although we have talked about it and he said he wants to be ale to trust me, I dont believe that he is telling me the truth. I think he wants to use this as a weapon to continue to play this silly games. I am tired of going to see him and getting intimate with no real commitment.What should I do. I have contemplated a break up but this has not happened yet. I think if we break up, it will bbe for good and i dont want to lose him this way.
View related questions:
a break, sex with another Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe likes you as a casual,occasional girlfriend he sees on weekends. He enjoys the sex and ur company UP TO A POINT. U cant make him commit, let alone *CONVINCE* him to move closer to you. get out now and find urself a better guy. be proud enough to end it first.God you are good. This is exactly how I have been feeling. We did not start off like this. He was very excited to show me off when we first started. Then soon as he knows that I snoop and bursted his bubble, he started distancing himself to punish me. I guess to teach me a lesson cos' he keeps telling me to stop. I became so good at it that he couldnt figure out how I knew things. This upset him. I was only doing it to save our relationship. I dont care that I snooped because he shouldnt be acting stupid in a commited relationship. Expects me to be satisfied with the promise to marry me that is not guaranteed.I know all he misses now is the sex so as long as he was having that he did not think hey what is going on with my relationship? This is the wake up call. Can't go back to normal. Some substantial effort got to be made for me to have him back. I plan on having a blast this weekend. Thank God for the eye opener.
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (9 March 2012):
 He likes you as a casual,occasional girlfriend he sees on weekends. He enjoys the sex and ur company UP TO A POINT. U cant make him commit, let alone *CONVINCE* him to move closer to you. get out now and find urself a better guy. be proud enough to end it first.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you guys for using real life insight to advice me on what to do. I just had a wake up call and thank you all for this.
I feel like a fool that he has been stringing on all along. ALthough I know he loves me I dont understand why he does what he does. Rather than try to find out, I need to look outside and start engaging with men that are serious and ready for something real.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 Those who were successful in LDR, how did you convince your partner to move closer to you?
When I was in a LDR there was never any "convincing" needed. We were in love and wanted to be together, it was a natural thing to want to get closer. We went to see each other as often as we could because we wanted to, not because we convinced each other. We planned to move closer because we wanted to be together for real.
And I am NOT talking about a 1-2 hour distance, Im talking real distance. Otherwise take the bus. If you need to convince your man to get closer to you when you are long distance then he's not that into you... and you are wasting your time.
He boost his ego with other women because he's not that into YOU and you aren't enough for him. It's time to smell the BS and get on with your life without him.
You don't trust him, he doesn't trust you. What on earth would you need him to be closer to you for?? The relationship is practically non existant, and if he isn't all that interested in you now, he wont be if he moved closer to you either.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 March 2012):
 I’m going to guess that this is the second part of your two part issue.. the first one being about snooping… (same age and Country flag both are LDRs both mention snooping)
I’m going to answer this one first…
“I developed a habit of snooping”
What made you snoop in the first place… if you don’t trust your partner that’s a fundamental issue that has to be resolved before you can move forward. It’s not a HABIT… it’s something you did and do because you don’t trust him.
I checked up on my last husband incessantly. I did not trust him with good reason. He was a full blown emotional cheater and even though we were in an open marriage (because I KNEW he needed that ego stroke) he still LIED and snuck around… there was no trust…. Why don’t you trust your man? For me it was all the texting and all the “I LOVE YOU”s sent to other women… he didn’t have to touch them or know them. He lied to them so that meant he could lie to me… and he did. He was not trustworthy and he was an emotional cheater which to me is worse.
AND once I met someone (who was my then LDR) he wanted me to stop but he would not give up his girlfriends… so we ended it amicably…
But then here I was in an LDR with a man 2 hours away from me….
“he’s not a bad buy but he is toxic” and you stay with toxic because why???
He is distant from you when with his friends… do his friends disrespect you as well? My partner early on before we were serious (we were just supposed to be FWB/NSA a little something on the side) allowed his friends to say things like “she’s old and not that attractive, hit that and be done with it” the MINUTE we became a serious couple his friends were told “she is my partner and you will NOT disrespect her” and they don’t DARE disrespect me with words OR actions. HE won’t stand for it. Does your partner allow his friends to disrespect you in words or actions like he does when he is with them?
Did you ask him how PDA and publicity of the relationships destroyed them? Cause honey that’s a crock ‘o shit if I ever heard one. My partner once he realized we were serious and committed SCREAMED our relationship from the rooftops at work, to his friends, online.... everywhere… not my name… not pictures but subtle things… mention of doing thing with his girlfriend… he was PROUD of me… and he wanted to show me off… to everyone who knew him….
A man that starts off with a bang out of the relationship gate (introducing you as his wife while you are still casually dating is a red flag) is probably someone who is not able to have a real relationship that builds and grows over time… he wants the illusion of it but not the real thing.
“I have given him space and time and tried everything to make him to commit to me but it looks like its not working.”
You can’t MAKE him commit. We started our LDR (after meeting in real life while I was married) on the computer in November 2010… by late February 2011 we were falling for each other. My husband moved out in early March 2011 and we went full throttle towards figuring out what we were doing to do. By April we were a couple and discussing how we would make it work. I didn’t have to ask him to move… I didn’t have to trick him… it just was a given by June that if we were going to be a couple we were going to get married (from a man who at 38 swore off marriage and never wanted to get married) and by December 2011 ONE YEAR after we started, he gave up his apartment, his friends and his job and moved to be with me (I had the better more secure job and I own the home we live in)…
It just happens… there is NO convincing… if you have to whine, beg, plead or convince it’s NOT worth it. And it’s not going to happen.
YOU don’t’ trust him (with good reason)
He doesn’t trust you
You think he’s playing games…..
If you don’t’ want to lose him this way what way would work for you?
...............................
|
