A
male
age
51-59,
*ech20
writes:I am currently married 10+ years. Was married nearly 10 previous. Have posted an ad for a descrete sexual relationship and found my potential match. She is willing to do things with me my wife will not. She wants me to do things that my wife would never have me do. I feel sex is so mundane with my wife. My new "friend" seems perfect for me. She is married too and feels the same about sex with her husband. She has cheated before. I love my wife and don't want to hurt her but I need sexual gratification. Should I cheat and not tell her? Should I continue unhappy with sex? I've tried to tell her I need more. Even suggested she talk to her doctor. Help me make sense of this...Mr. Lonely. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): so tech, have you conveyed the message to your married "lady" friend that you decided not to cheat. how did this person you found via the ads react. how did she take it that you decided to keep your big number in your pants. and that you will only let it out for your wife??
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): yes i think you displayed courage and integrity so i will say bravo. i so with all of my heart wish you the best. and i wish you wonderful fulfilling sex... :) mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): I'm glad you spoke to your wife.It takes a man to do that.I wish my husband talked to me before he had an affair. I wish you both happiness.
Chellex
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female
reader, Aussie girl  +, writes (7 January 2010):
 First of all I kinda know where you are coming from, I'm currently going through a stage where I cant get enough sex and my hubby has just lost interest, however this is the man I married and love and want to spend the rest of my life with, so I just keep trying new things.
Years ago it was the other way around, we had small kids and he was always in the mood and I never was, I was always too tired from looking after the kids, cleaning the house, helping my elderly parents etc..
Women aren't like men where they'll get horny and be right lets go for it! If they're tired, stressed, hormonal, run down or maybe feeling unappreciated, they're not going to be in the mood.
Try making things a little easier for her around the house, dont just offer to tidy up or make dinner, just go do it! Run her a bath with some candles, give her a massage, make sure she knows how much you appreciate everything she does, tell her how lucky you are to have her, that she's beautiful and you love her.
And do these things without expecting the reward of sex, do them because you really do love her, trust me she'll know when you're doing it because you love her or because you want to get laid!
And as far as oral sex or anything else you might want to try, just take it slowly, maybe she would love nothing better than to give you head but is worried about you coming in her mouth? So if you get to the point where she's willing to try it, dont come in her mouth unless she ok's it first.I gave my hubby head for many years without letting him come in my mouth because I was worried I wouldn't like the taste, worried Id want to throw up.. But then I just made it my mission to give it a shot and was pleasantly surprised that I loved it!
And if you want to give her head, try starting with kissing her neck, her breasts, and her arms, then next time go a bit further until she lets you give her head.
Get her to write down some things she would like to try in bed or things that could spice things up, sometimes its easier to write it down than actually say it.
And if all else fails, go to porn hub and pleasure yourself, but please dont ruin yours and your family's lives over some of your fantasies.
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male
reader, Tech20 +, writes (7 January 2010):
Tech20 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I have taken each one of your answers to heart. I really think I was looking for some kind of justification or consent to do something that no one should do to the person they are committed to. ...for better, for worse...
I have brought up the suggestion to my wife that we seek marriage/sex councelling. She knew that we had problems, but said she didn't realize how bad. She said she wouldn't blame me if I had cheated but I know she said that because she loves me and wants me to be happy. We should be able to work things out with a impartial professional. Thank you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): I was just cheated on! Story sounds CRAZY! Listen to yourself! YOU have NO IDEA the PAIN, Disgust, lies and betrayal your WIFE will fell when SHE finds out! AND, SHE WILL FIND OUT Guaranteed!!!! Please do NOT do it! It isn't worth it unless YOU are WILLING to LOSE your WIFE! I wouldn't put ANYONE through what I'm going through! Please reconsider! Tell your wife straight up what you need sexually! Joke if you have to about getting it elsewhere; I don't know! Just don't really go elsewhere! You know your wife; do something different for her! If my husband would of told me "Honey, this is what I'm REALLY missing from "US" (he didn't); he wouldn't of had an affair!
DON'T DO IT!
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male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (6 January 2010):
 Listen to Ginalolabridga, she knows what she's talking about. You say you want one day of sex to get it out of your system, but that one day's pleasure will cause a lifetime of pain and guilt. It's NOT worth it.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (5 January 2010):
 HERE IS SOME GENERAL THOUGHT ON MORAL ASPECT OF SEX.
Social aspect of sex, you can call it as social judge. You cannot hear anything positive.
This is your statement, "She just wants me to "put it in"...no foreplay, no kissing, touching. I really don't believe she is having an affair behind my back... she was once flirting with a guy on Facebook, but innocently..."
I am taking your above statement very seriously. You have justified sound.
But, please remember something about sex, I am putting on record for you to learn: Sex is intensely private, intensely personal, and absolutely unsocial and even anti social also...in sum up- sex is supremely 'selfish'.
Society/religion want to reverse its nature. Society want to use sex for just social purpose, [it is about just procreative use] and not for selfish purpose.
Unfortunately society has made sex as an salable material through putting too much restriction on its true nature.
So, justifiably there is no social solution for your problem. I even feel sorry. Society can manage the system of 'prostitution', but not selfishness - is the true social reality behind humanity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): Mmm.. Before you go to the dark side, spare a thought on how you are going to feel when you climb into bed next to your wife that night pretending nothing has changed. When you look at your children trying to act as nothing drastic (like shagging someone else’s wife) has happened. Also keep in mind its 10yrs since your last divorce. Ring! Ring! Can you see a pattern? It’s happening all over again. Break the cycle Tiger (Woods) Oh! Okay...Enough jokes. Seriously think before you leap. Just remember, what you are doing now is looking for justification. All marriages go through a dry patch, you should try having sex when you have a 12yr old and a 16yr old living at home. It’s all about YOU, you are the one that wants/needs to do this and no amount of justification is going to change that fact.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (4 January 2010):
 "If I meet this person for a one time affair it may satisfiy my waning. Nothing can change the love I feel for her."
No, but your actions could change the love she feels about you. And because you are not a prick, you're going to hate yourself for being so weak. After you cum, you're going to feel like shit when you realize all that you've jeopardized for this moment of pleasure. You're going to have a hard time looking this wonderful, smart, gorgeous woman in the eyes knowing that you did something to her that she would never considering doing to you.
I'm still not sure why you are arguing that you deserve to have an affair rather than seek marital counseling. Maybe your wife needs an impartial third party to help her understand how her actions are impacting your marriage. You could both benefit from the perspectives of a TRAINED professional (not individuals on a relationship forum) who can help you come up with solutions.
By the way, people on these ads rarely turn out to be as great as they say they are. Especially if you found her on Craigslist.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 January 2010):
 I agree with q, a wank over a wonk is a much better idea.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): ok, youre not a prick. But you are doing the wrong thing. My life is FAR from perfect and i HAVE been...as a matter of fact am very close to BEING in your shoes. I just disagree with the way you are chosing to handle it. Sweetheart...from my heart i am gonna share. I too became frustrated sexually. Married (at the time 26 years) my libido is on the rise, his is on the wane. So ...I got too close to a family friend. It was unintentional. He is much younger, and lives several hours away. He was just someone to talk to, safe, an escape. But as always it soon got out of hand. I stopped it before there was any physical contact.barely. I realized that i was throwing away the dearest thing i had. Betraying the man i want to grow old with. And i confessed...but 5 long months later the guilt is still eating me alive...we talk about it rarely but it has reshaped our marriage. He hides his feelings, cant perform in bed and slept on the couch last night. Even tho he hugged me yesterday and told me he loved me. And I spent a sleepless night alone in bed. Even tho i love him with all my heart. We will be working thru this for a while yet. All for an 8 wk texting relationship that caught me at a vulnerable time. What do you think a fling with someone you met thru a want ad will do to your wife? wait until you look into her pain filled eyes and try to explain. All for a sexual need that you betrayed your vows to fulfil. Then see if you feel justified. You wont. Honestly it just makes it worse. I hate myself. Im sorry that i offended you, but i hope you realize that harsh reality is much more helpful than okaying what you are about to do. I wish someone had gave me a good shake and woke me up BEFORE. my best to you love, mal
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A
male
reader, Tech20 +, writes (4 January 2010):
Tech20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMarriedlady: You must live the perfect life and live vicariouly through the distraught people that post here. We need help. We don't need someone bashing us for our problems. We are legitimately asking for help. My wife is a great mom, an excellent cook now, she now manages our finances and is starting a home business. She looks after me, gives more than is asked, but just lacks in the bedroom. I know she feels bad about that, I feel like a heel for doing what i've done so far, but I am desperate. If I meet this person for a one time affair it may satisfiy my waning. Nothing can change the love I feel for her. I have lived with this problem for years. This affair isn't a spur of the moment thing. I need to think this through. I know it's wrong. I need some input from people that have lived through this situation and tell me how they feel/live with what they've done. I'm not a prick!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): excuse me but that last post made no sense at all. I understand wanting sex...but you placed an AD??? what a prick! Of course she is your match!! A cheater and liar. An adulterer who justifies bad behaviour. This is wrong on so many levels. I have a pretty good idea why you are only gettin some every 5 weeks at home! You told your wife that sex with her is boring. She isnt adventurous enough...And now you are resorting to badmouthing her budgeting and cooking skills! Crikey, why dont you just get the divorce already? The woman cant please you...the only thing she has going for her is that shes good to look at! Leave your wife~Go buy a barbie doll! And maybe your wife will find someone who appreciates her for what she is! Mal
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male
reader, Tech20 +, writes (4 January 2010):
Tech20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I can only get answers based on the information I give... Currently we have sex approx once in 5 weeks. She says she is not in the mood but seems to be when I have something to do or when I'm at work. She very seldomly initiates sex. I am still very attracted to her. She's hot. I wish everything I would like to do with "my match", I could do with her. I am what I would consider slightly kinky/adventureous. She just wants me to "put it in"...no foreplay, no kissing, touching. I really don't believe she is having an affair behind my back... she was once flirting with a guy on Facebook, but innocently...
I love to put my hands on her and she says all she wants is a hug. I hug her often too. She seems to be shy when she's naked and says she doesn't feel sexy. That's not due to me. I thought she was hot pre and post kids no matter what weight she was. I NEVER put her down,....
Could she feel that way because she is seldom right about anything, has some pretty bad ideas and when I met her shecouldn't cook or manage a budget. Do I make her feel small and unapreciated? IS it my fault? oh s#*+...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): He also needs to understand how she feels. Who's to say she's satisfied with their sex life? Maybe she's using the "exhausted" excuse because somebody else is banging it out while he's at work. Or maybe she's putting out her own personal ad because her husband is kinda jerky.
Food for thought: this kind of situation works both ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): Hi Mr Lonely,
Don’t dabble in the discrete ads, its dark and energy sapping. She will find out and you will have a Tiger Woods situation on your hands. I think you should put your cards on the table, BUT saying that it all depends how you communicate the situation that’s making you feel lonely. Don’t do it accusingly or demandingly, tell her you feel lonely because you‘re feeling pushed away .Ask her what you can do to lighten her load and spice up the marriage. You need to find a way to set this friendship alight. She says she is tired, possibly bored. Have you taken any interest in her,
What’s that saying .....’The buck stops with you’. You need to do your damndest to get what you want without dabbling in the dark side. You have a whole search engine with information from people in your position. Take a bit of interest, see her with new eyes.
Chellex
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (3 January 2010):
 I read your earlier reply and I'd like to add that you need to step up the negotiations at home. She needs to understand how you feel. Don't let it slide.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (3 January 2010):
Will this woman you found wipe your butt when you're 85 and can't get out of bed? Will she wipe your mouth when you can't manage to eat properly anymore? Would you expect your wife to have a lover on the side if you ever become impotent?
Marriage is the BIG picture. Don't get me wrong, I understand what you mean about mundane sex. So what happens when the novelty of this other woman wears off? Do you find another. and another, and another after that? The only way to live this lifestyle with any integrity is to be single. Once again, I get your frustration but you have to fix it without going to these extremes.
What have you said to your wife about this and how has she responded?
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (3 January 2010):
When your wife says she's tired and the kids are killing her libido, what she's really saying is that she feels overwhelmed and needs you to help around the house. You can't expect her to cook, clean, take care of the kids, and still have enough energy to make love to you; she's only human, after all. Before you place the blame squarely on her shoulders, take a look at how you contribute to the situation.In order to feel sexually aroused, a woman needs her emotional needs met; she needs to feel valued and supported.
Before you place the blame for your sex life squarely on her shoulders, look at how you may be contributing to the situation? Are you emotionally supportive? When you come home from work do you sit around or do you jump in and help with dinner, laundry, homework, or even refill the salt shaker? How often do you hire a sitter so the two of you can get out of the house or so she can take a yoga class a few times a week? Show your wife you love her by helping her out, not by begging her to do more when she's already at her wit's end.
If you cheat on your wife you are disrespecting her and devaluing all she does to keep your family together.
Before you start answering personal ads, devote the time you would have spent lying to her and screwing another woman to helping her out around the house more and carving out more private time for the two of you. Do things to remind each other why you fell in love in the first place. If you make her feel more valued and supported, your sex life will improve.
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male
reader, Tech20 +, writes (3 January 2010):
Tech20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGinalolabridga: We have talked often of our problem. She blames the kids for ruining her sexual appetite. she complains she has to "do everything" and is tired. She is a stay at home mom. I work full time and work at home to suppliment our income. I'm not too tired. She is only 38 and not menopausal. She won't give me oral sex!!! She won't let me perform it on her. She does't like the little love pats anymore... We used to not be able to keep our hands off each other and now it's like she doesn't want to touch me. Satindesire: There is a risk, but what do you do??? Are all the virgins in the world going to stay virgins because there are diseases out there? I'm sure the judge would be sympathetic with me if he/she felt the desperation I feel right now. My wife is still my best friend, but it feels just like a friendship, not a relationship. I don't want to go through another divorce. I love her still. Should I tell her about my situation? Maybe she will finally she how desperate I am????
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): If you LOVED your wife you would not be placing your selfish interest for sexual gratification above your commitment to each other as a loving couple. What you purport to do is akin to saying that you'll rob the bank because you need money.
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