A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi -I just wanted an opinion from some one that does not know me or my husband. I am sorry how long this will be.. About 6 months ago my husband left me for a week and moved in with his parents. He told me he was not in love with me anymore, but he would always love me.. Not really surprising but for him it was unusual.. He usually goes with the flow.. Of course every1 told me he has a girlfriend… I began to believe it.. The first night he went out with a “buddy” and my son and I could not get a hold of him (my son is 5) he was hurt I was hurt… He did call me the next day and said his phone died.. (yeah right) so we talked about an hour and he said he just needed to sort out stuff… I said like what? He said What I want in life.. Needless to say he came home on that Sunday (super bowl) which amazed me in itself.. BIG FOOTBALL fan.. But he came home and told me that he was wrong that he did love me and did not want to throw us away.. By this point I am a wreck and think mostly he came home for my son…. Which he swears that he came back for me cuz he could be our son’s dad anywhere… He missed me. So after a few days of him really trying to prove, he lies to me about a work dinner.. Goes and has to have one of the guys from work bring him home (dinner started @ 5pm and he got home @ almost 3 am) So he was drunk and holding my face in his hand and I notice he had a ring on but not his wedding ring…(it was in his car @ the restaurant) NO excuse nothing just he really doesn’t know.. AND he called me by “her” name not in a loving way just an I am drunk and talking my stupidity.. still hurt and with the ring thing…..So I have to admit I went through his phone, there was a message (not sexy, bad or anything) under a guys name..A hey buddy kind of thing…. I actually wouldn’t even thought another thing but the # caught my eye, it was this girl that he says is his friend from work that helped him see that he should work on his marriage..blah blah(she is supposedly married too.. ) He told me he put her under a guys name so I wouldn’t get mad and we wouldn’t fight over something he sees as no big deal.. I have tried to tell him that whatever stage they are @ for friendship, if she is giving him advice they are having an emotional affair… I told him please do not talk to her again… Thought it was the end, but I did not stop wanting to check Everthing!!!! So 4 months ago we go get new phones new account new #’s the whole 9 yards.. I am feeling pretty good cuz now I won’t have to worry about if he has been lying about calling her I can see… (we were doing a family plan with his mom) So nothing out of the ordinary got comfortable enough not to check every other day…LOL.. Then last month I decided to check 1 day and 3 days before I checked there was a call to that # for 28mins. Then the next day another call for 14mins. I almost fell out of my chair… I had actually gotten used to seeing nothing that when I did I about fell apart.. So I thought I will ask him…… I get home he had called me and I was not like my usual self (Hello!!!! was mad) he knew something was up, but had no clue… So he finally gets home and I am trying to act as calm as I can and asked Hey have you talked to her lately? He did the worst lying I have even seen in my life..(it softened the me going to leave part) he was like ummmmm no I haven’t… (why lie???? You know the bill is going to have it on there) I said oh really I went and got the paper I printed off, and he said that she called him as a missed call..(I still do not know if this is true, cuz you cannot see missed calls) he called her back and she just wanted to talk… He cannot remember most of what was said.. I said how did she get your # ( I was pretty sure I knew) he said ___ gave it to her.. I said nice.. Don’t you think ___ should know if you wanted her to have your # you would have given it to her…..Anyways.. I said what about the next day 14 mins????? He said well I thought about it and it didn’t feel right because I "Was" hiding it from you and called her to tell her I didn’t want to talk to her anymore… (God I hope this is true!!) Maybe all I have done is push it to where he only talks at work to her… ??? I told him I am not big on ultimatums: But I am giving one Me or Her!! One more time and I will leave.. I will not share my husband!! He said of course I pick you!! He swears he loves me and wants this to work and that he has never cheated on me, he will not speak to her again, even though there was nothing to worry about..I said maybe not in your eyes… But females Do Not run to a guy friend (that they have known for 8 months) about relationship advice!!!!! Maybe you are naive!!! Heck maybe I am the naive one!! I cannot tell what is real anymore.. I constantly dream he is cheating on me and laughing at me., I love this man. Never ever did I think he would cheat on me.. But Never did I think he would walk out on me.. I am not sure if I am confusing the 2, or my intuition is off or what.. Maybe he is good at juggling me and her.. I get his home time she gets the work time.. I wonder if he wants to run to her when he is with me.. Some days are so great… But others he tries to joke with me and all I want to do is analyze what that meant.. I feel like he has taken my trust of him and demolished it along with my spirit, ego, and self esteem. If it wasn’t for the little lies and bad decisions, I could get my trust back… It seems like when I think all is well and maybe I was overreacting he will do something that destroys everything and then IT ALL comes back… My god the ring thing was 6 months ago.. and then when I see that they talked I find myself checking his ring finger… WHY can he not see that the “Friend” does not have to worry about him, his kid, his house, his bills… Then when we are watching a movie/show (like he has always done) he will comment on the cheating jerk… and I think This is the man I married.. Never cheated on anyone, been cheated on and hated it.. Loves Me!! Came back to Me… He wouldn’t have if he didn’t love me right?? I hate this insecure (half insane obsessive compulsive) person I have become: but I do not know where to go, all I know is if he isn’t cheating on me I do not want to lose him.. But If He Is: I do not want him… But how will I ever know? Please Someone anyone help me see something I am missing!!! I do not even sleep anymore.. He falls asleep holding me and I roll around wondering what he dreams about…..
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affair, at work, cheated on me, drunk, has a girlfriend, insecure, moved in, self esteem, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responding... I wish it was that simple.. I had to stop writing sometime... I already feel insane with worry... Also I am not sure what the one answer means by it is all me,me,me.. If I knew what he was thinking I would probably not wonder right??? I wrote a letter begging him to help me understand how to forgive and trust again with questions that I have to have answered before I can go on (I mean more than an I don't know)He told me that he is trying.. Should it be that much of a chore to try that you just keep screwing up?? I hope he doesn't take it badly.. but I am at the end of my rope of all this no matter how much I love him...
A
male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (10 July 2009):
I don't think getting marital advice from another woman is an emotional affair (if that was the case). He shouldn't lie and for that you are justified in having trouble trusting him. The two of you are going to have to sort this out though or you will go insane with worry and anxiety. Maybe you need to try and live outside your concerns - find something else different to do and try and move your mind and thoughts onto something else. Maybe breaking the cycle of this spinning around in your head will help clear your mind.
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A
male
reader, Hermetica  +, writes (9 July 2009):
Lass I feel your confusion,is he or isn't he.Look at the basics,you love the guy,you want to be with him.But at the moment you have lost trust.No relationship works without it.So what do you do?Continue to check up on him,continue to worry about the unknown?You have some choices,do I keep playing the jealous wife or do I show indiference.Well somewhere in the middle.Never again check his phone,show interest in what excites him.Remember what it was like when you were courting,what did he like about you then?Develop interest outside your marriage;why do I say this?So that you stop becoming self obsessed.To be blunt your comments are me me me.Your man thinks he has conquered you,bring back some mystery into your life.Make him chase you again,and I don't mean make him jealous,Just facinated by you.Only you know how to do this.Think about your strengths,asks your friends why they like you.Once you realise how beautiful you are you will realise you are in control of your life.The very aura you pervade will intrigue your husband.Never forget you are an individual as we all are.We are here to make to most of this life,give love,give joy never expecting anything in return and you will be uplifted.I wish you joy lass the solution is within yourself.Hermetica
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