A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ive been dating this guy for about three yearslast night he turned on some music. He was particulalry playing songs from a personal play list. After hearing several songs. he search for a particular one and before the song came on he said, now this is not about you, it about someone from my past. The song played, called "in my own way" something like starting over, i need you. i love you in my own way. I was floored! I'll i could think of is why is he holding me in his arms actually insisting i wrap my arms around him while we were dancing close. I struggled with it because of his opening clarifing statment prior to the sond coming on with him saying, "this song is not about you, its about someone in the past" and repeating againthis is not about you.i wanted to leave, i kept my cool..made an excuse that i had to walk my puppy so she didn't pee on the carpet i tried to wait long enough that he would perhaps be ready to go to bed. I took a sleeping pillso i won't think about it and wuld be tempted to caress him as i usually can't keep my hands off him.when we got into bed, he wanted me to spoon him face towards him and he said hold me, I'm human, i need you.What he said next, just about made me fall on the floor... he said if, you just consentrated on your looks and weren't so deep, just keep it lite you would be perfect.I responded with hey, no worries " that the last thing i need is some guy singing a long song to "me". Earlier in that same night, right before that song came on. he said he had 4 more years before having a relationship it used to 3yrs. his youngest daughter is 16 and he says he wants to concentrate on his girls.I left this morning, saying i had to go pick up my son. He said to give him a call when i get done. trying to keep it lite i am clueless on how to even repond.
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (27 August 2012):
 You are beautiful, smart, great sense of humor, and classy lady. I am actually impress by the way you handle the situation, any women including myself would have made a scene rightfully so. You'll never have a problem finding dates, and any guy that have a chance with you, should consider lucky. You tell him keep it lite. Pls, he's not even worth getting angry, do not waste another second of your life with him.
Best wishes
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): If I were you I would dump him right away because it will hurt you even more to wait and he dumps you... you got the better hand.. if you dump him at least you will feel a little at easy. You'll still hurt but not as bad if you dump him.
I love the message you put on your answering machine, that will make his butt think, and better yet I wouldn't answer the door if he came by or answer the phone when he call, I feel this will help easy your pain being in a relationship for 3 year, you can sit back and watch him run after you as you move on.
Stella Got Her Groove Back!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 August 2012):
 How appallingly tactless of this guy.
Leave him to his dreams. His own attitudes will drive women away. His mind is not on you.
Leave him to wallow in the past.
Look to the future and abandon any thoughts that this guys wants a relationship. He may want an occasional Pit-stop. But you are worthy of far more than that.
Say goodbye to him.
Sounds like his empathy level is Zero.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): The guy is not very smart isn't he? He Is bazarly honest with you. I think he deserves the same from you. Why don't you tell him what you think of him, of his stupid frases, like this song is not about you, of his selfishness and not thinking about your feelings. He actually told you to concentrate on your looks? Does he concentrates on his? You are entitled to keep it as light or as heavy as you want, its not up to him. And you don't have to be perfect for him.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 August 2012):
 By all means keep it 'lite' and go out on dates with other men. If he complains, cheerfully tell him you're focusing on yourself right now.
I like Mystique's response. A very calm recommendations that he go and find the one about whom that song is meant.
I can see why you were speechless. That someone would be so stupid and so crass is almost unbelievable.
I don't think I would ever speak to him again. He's a dullard and a bozo.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 August 2012):
 Dating for three years, overnight visits, and he wants to wait until his daughter is 20 before he has a relationship?
I can't believe he can keep a straight face when he says that. He has no intention of ever committing to you. Stop allowing him to use you.
The whole night smells of a set up to me.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): It sounds like he is trying to break up with you. These comments are indeed very strange. Maybe he met somebody else or has been in contact with the ex he was referring to when the song came on. I don't believe this is about his daughters, it is more likely there is someone else in the picture.
Normally I would suggest you talk to him and get to the bottom of it but since he is going about it in such a round about way I suspect he may not be honest with you. I would do some spying and get to the bottom of it. Look for clues in his apartment. Ask mutual friends. See what is going on at his work.
While spying may seem kind of creepy and I guess it is, I think that a three year relationship is very substantial and you deserve answers. Ask around, look around, see if you find anything.
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A
female
reader, tenaciousleo +, writes (27 August 2012):
 thanks for your reply. "this song isn't about me"
I'm still in shock.!!! i don't even know how to say you hurt my feelings by dignifing a responce.
I'm already rather attractive light green eyes, blond hair straight white teeth and in execellent shape thin curvey with C-cup and very toned ..better than most 20 years olds still look hot in a bikini for 46 years old ...he's 55. I never hurt for dates. I am a biochemist and work as a health care consultant. I can't exactly dumb myself.
Maybe i could get a better sense of humar, although most say i'm funny. i think i just need to get my grove back.
SO,.....I changed my answering machine to:
sorry i can't get to the phone right now i'm out with a stripper and a bubble gum chewing bartenter to get some life tips.
please leave a meaningless message at the beep
and i'll get back to you.
don't wait as this could take a while
apparently i have a lot to learn.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 August 2012):
 You'd be perfect if ..... I thought a string of words as I was reading your question, none of them nice.
Are you sure you need the plonker in your life, is he adding anything to it, enhancing your life in any way, does he bring joy and happiness or has it always been about him?
As he is the one who brought up time lines and time frames and how he wants to concentrate on his children, I think he is getting ready to do the dirty. His insult would be enough to get me walking, the fact you have been with him for three years and he is saying he doesnt want a relationship for another four years indicates he hasn't the same level of emotional investment here.
There is no sharing and no caring here, give him exactly what he deserves after all this time, zip! Just walk away, I wouldnt even bother trying to explain why, as it would be dismissed as being of no value anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): I have to ask was he drunk or on drugs?
Not that it's an excuse, but that's a pretty clueless and awful thing to say to anyone, partner or otherwise.
If I had to venture a guess, I'd say he's not over someone from his past, but it's tactless to behave to way.
I might not even bother responding if someone treated me this way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): thanks for your reply.
I'm still in shock.!!! i don't even know how to say you hurt my feelings by dignifing a responce. I'm already rather attractive light green eyes blond hair straight white teeth and in execellent thin curvey and very toned shape..better than most 20 years olds. I never hurt for dates. i am a biochemist and work as a health care consultant. I can't exactly dumb myself. Maybe i could get a sense of humar, although most say i'm funny. i think i just need to get my grove back.
SO,.....I changed my answering machine to:
sorry i can't get to the phone right now i'm out with a stripper and a bubble gum chewing bartenter to get some life tips.
please leave a meaningless message at the beep
and i'll get back to you.
don't wait as this could take a while
apparently i have a lot to learn.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 August 2012):
 Oh my gosh...I think you handled the whole situation much more discretely than I would have! The minute he said "this song isn't about you" and wanted to dance...I would have said "Well, I think you should go find who the song is about and dance with her"! I'm sorry...I would have been so hurt. So then in bed he tells you that you could be perfect if you'd change? Honey..how on earth did you manage to stay there that night?? I would have been out the door. He wounded you and then he pours salt in it??? I know you've invested time with this man and might want to try and salvage things, but I think you should strongly consider ending things. Certainly you can do better than being his "If only girl"!!! He's not worth your hurt or your tears. It amazes me that you could even be civil after what he did. I'm afraid I wouldn't have been. You deserve better sweetie..you really do.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (27 August 2012):
 I don't blame you for being stunned and hurt. Your boyfriend does not sound like he is emotionally mature. If he was, he would know not to make dumb and insensitive comments like the ones he made.
I would tell him that you were upset by his comments. Then, I would tell him that you are who you are, and if he wants someone who "keeps it lite" then he is free to search for someone else because you letting him go.
Honestly, you do not need someone who insults your emotional intelligence like this. I know some may tell you to try to work this out, but some someone to make comments like this and then tell you you'd be perfect "IF" you'd just change...is pretty insulting.
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