A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I have a big problem with trusting my partner. We love each other so much. He left his wife for me after many years of marriage. She has a new partner herself. Needless to say there was subterfuge by email and phone calls. We did not get together properly until he left.Anyway, he still keeps the old email address and maintains a secret password for it. He has a bank account, for which statements never appear at our house, but I know he has recently set up phone and internet banking for it without telling me. To all intents and purposes we use our money jointly and have two joint accounts, but I have recently discovered that he has set up the above. He had the account for a long time and I thought it was dormant, with just a few pounds in.He is quite laddish. I know that he loves me deeply but he keeps a secretive side. I found him masturbating to porn once when I came home unexpectedly (even though we had just had sex) and am pretty sure that he has looked at this other times. I was very shocked and upset when I found him. When I was married before I once found porn films and did not worry too much because I instinctively knew that it was not a big issue in our lives. My instincts here though tell me otherwise and I feel I am going bonkers. I feel ashamed for not trusting him. When we first met up again I was seeing another guy and I told him that I had just been told by this guy that he had paid for sex with prostitutes during his marriage. This felled me and upset me to the point of feeling sick. I told my partner who then was only my friend) about it and he seemed very concerned and supportive. He said once and man did that he could never be trusted. Imagine my surprise when he later told me, after we got back together, that on the way to this country he had stopped at Dubai to see his brother and gone to a disco which seemed to be a brothel. Well I said ”Oh how awful” etc. Then later he said he had done more than just gone there, he had been enjoying all the attention from the whores and had been in conversation with them. He told me he had left his brother and gone to sit in the “cheap” section (!) where the eastern girls were plying for business. When I asked whether he had paid for any services he started laughing hysterically. I remember when he got back he asked me to help him get over his inability to use condoms, so we used some though we didn’t need to. He asked me whether he could have some “get out of jail free” cards then denied that was about having sex with other people. He was married for 24 years and cheated twice but seems to have felt bad about it. He seems to regret not sowing more oats.I can’t stop thinking about it. He commented about the two English princes who were recently caught using an army helicopter to go on a stag night with a lap dancer (even though they have girlfriends) by saying he thought they were using their privileged position “perfectly”. He likes me to tell him stories about the men I have had sex with in the past. He wants these more often or not and doesn’t seem to want a normal shag that much. He says it is because he did not get much sex in his marriage and is used to wanking. As well as that because he has the erectile dysfunction he needs a bit extra to make things work. He has erectile dysfunction and takes Viagra.I find it all quite scary.He once said “Our relationship started when I got back”. This anguishes me because it feels like he may have been with a prostitute and be excusing himself. But I will never know.If he read this he would say I am drawing threads together and making a whole lot of trouble out of nothing. On a day to day basis we are so happy. He plants the garden, builds things, is thoughtful and warm. He seems to really adore me and I have a wonderful son who is only ten, who is beautiful and has been through a very hard time with me. They seem to love each other. I can’t think what to do. Half of me thinks I am imagining things, the other says I have an instinct to follow and this is driving me insane. I know for certain that no matter how much I love him I would not feel the same about him ever if he had been with a prostitute. I would choose not to follow through with this relationship and it would devastate me.In fact I feel nauseous that he needed the attention so badly to even flirt with prostitutes even if that is all it was. This secretive and laddish behaviour is spoiling my feelings for him but if I say something he will say I don’t trust him. I don’t want to drive him into behaving badly because of the mere fact that I don’t trust him and get into that vicious circle thing we all get warned about. He knows that I have checked his mobile phone and checked the computer. He said “why don’t you trust me, what exactly do you think of me, what do you really think I am capable of”? He says it with such a sad face that I start thinking I am really going mad. Help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your words. I know that his habits are set. I know I could not forgive him if he had interracted with a prostitute even if it were his last attempt at freedom before settling with me. I despise men who buy sex. The fact that he went there and even flirted with them is rotting my feelings for him.
I am going to try and be clear about my feelings and I hope that I can keep this together and find that I a wrong. I know in his 24 year marriage he had one affair over ten years ago, which is a shame but not unusual. It is not a bad track record. I don't think he is being unfaithful to me or that he has been in the two and a half years that we have been together, except he may have used some porn. He has problems with erectile dysfunction as well, which must make using it seem easier than facing failure with me sometimes.
My main concerns are his email account (not because I think he is doing porn on it - I checked once and it it just hello type messages from people he has known) because it is a measure of trust not to have these hidden. Plus I am bothered by the prostitute thing because I abhor that and knowing that I will never really know is driving me nuts. Why do it if there was no intent? Yet, I know people who have been to Amsterdam and gone to look at the hookers to see what it is all about - not because they wanted to buy from them.
I think it will take me a while to get to the bottom of this.
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (21 April 2008):
 Hi
I got with someone once that was at the end of a bad 6 yr relationship but hadn't moved out of her place til 2 weeks after i met him. Even though i had made it clear i wouldn't ever be someone elses bit on the side, i didn't need to be, he did leave her after 2 weeks and we started dating. But you are always aware that, even though they tell you their relationship was over for a long time before you came along, you know deep down they still dont do things the right way (get out first, then meet someone new later) so the chances are, the same will happen to you eventually. Thats probably why you dont trust him and never will, unless you can turn the clock back and meet him after they split. Which as we all know, with all the will in the world, you cant.
They tell you that you are adding lots of things up that aren't a big deal, and reading too much into things. Thats a classic. Then one day, after your instincts were nudging you, telling you somethings not right for all these months, and them telling you you're being paranoid, you eventually find out your instincts were right all along.
He's a secretive guy, the same as the guy i was talking about that i met. They will always be secretive types and you have to either decide to put up with that rollercoaster, stomach knotting type of life, or do what i did, and with a heavy heart, say goodbye and move on.
C xxxx
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