A
female
age
41-50,
*.liz
writes:For the past 4 years I have been involved in the most exhausting relationship ever, and I have been married before when I was really young.I am 28 years old and I feel like this relationship is turning me into someone I hate.I have always been very independent, self motivated, strong female that most females look up to for advise and I have been continually told "they wish they could be more like me."Well lately I have been lashing out at my boyfriend. I have done it so often that its a routine. If I don't say something negative I don't think we have anything to talk about. One minute I will be putting him down about anything and a minute later I will say "I LOVE YOU! what are we doing today?" and expect that he shut up and not say anything else about the argument (or else) even if he was in the middle of making his point. This is an everyday thing! It has gotten so bad that he has gone as far as saying he feels like doing something stupid because he love me so much but all I do put him down. I am tired of it. I don't show emotions, I Don't cry, I will not say sorry! I don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I bipolar? Do I need to see a counselor? I hate the night because all I can think of are all the bad things that came out of my mouth and how awful of a person I am, but I will wake up in the morning and forget that I felt that way and start the same routine all over again. I also think I am depressed I hate this feeling, this anger I have. I just want to be Happy, but seems like I am my worst enemy and I refuse to let that side of me win my life over… Any Suggestions?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): See a doctor.
If you are on medications, even over the counter ones, take them all in with you and review them with the doctor.
If you use any drugs, Marijuana or otherwise, any illicit drugs at all, or alcohol, then make sure you detail all the information (how much, when, how long, etc.) in detail to the doctor.
If you drink, then take this quiz...be brutally honest with yourself, and if it isn't alcohol but another drug then also take the quiz and substitute the other drug for alcohol in the quiz.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
SEE A DOCTOR.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 My suggestion is that you see a doctor and bring up your general concerns, depression, possible mood disorder.
It can't hurt.
Same with odds, I'm curious as to what kind of personality your boyfriend has and whether he is genuinely doing things which provoke the response that you give him. It could just be a routine that's been constantly reinforced over time because it kinda works for you on some level... eg. ending arguments when you want, instantly.
If that's the case, it's not malicious behavior, its just the best way you know how to handle the situation.
Best of luck aye
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (19 November 2010):
 I see two possibilities here. It depends on which type of guy he is. Pick the one that applies and disregard the other.
1) He's not a very socially dominant, forecful guy. Probably really laid back, nice to most people, and tries to laugh off you tongue-lashings without even asking for an apology. With rare exceptions, women generally want a guy they feel is stronger (personality-wise) than they are. Not someone who uses that strength against them in any way, just someone who is powerful and charismatic. If he's not acting that way, it may be creating some resentment in you.
You can best deal with that through a two-pronged approach: subtly encourage him to take charge more in life and in your relationship, and at the same time learn to let down your guard and allow yourself to be a little dependent (at least just between the two of you). "Sumbissive" would probably be too much, try "Accomodating" as the operative word.
2) He's *very* socially dominant and forceful, so much so that it threatens your self-image as an independent woman (though I think this is the less likely of the two scenarios). He barely notices when you lash out at him, except occasionally when he shouts right back. He's too strong for you to be comfortable.
If that's the case, there's not much you can do. If he's that kind of guy, he won't respond much to any attempt to change him, so all change is going to have to be to yourself. You'd have to accept that he's always going to be aloof and single-minded, and learn to just work with it without feeling upset by it.
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