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female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi Readers,This question goes out to anyone out there who has taken care of aging parents. I have taken care of my husbands parents in the past and now, mine are in a downward spiral. My Dad went into a nursing home because he is not able to be left alone for a minute anymore. He has moments of clarity and it has been a tough but inevitable decision to put him into care. My Mom did a great job up until now. They are nearly eighty. Here's my problem. My siblings want us to all chip in and pay for the home. I have money, they don't, so they are asking for me to pay the lion's share (50/25/25 split) of the expenses. I am close to retirement as well. My Mom is in a home that is paid for. I think that we should get a reverse mortgage and use his and her money until it runs out, and then worry about the rest when we need to (chances are, it's won't run out). The house, Even with a loan paid out on it, would still remain hers until she vacates it with a reverse mortgage. The house will have a lein on it and it will eventually be paid out with her estate, so I understand. I also have told my parents to leave everything to my two siblings because I don't need the money. If I pay the costs for the home out of pocket, I will not be inheriting anything out of the house to offset my expenses. My siblings do not know that I told my parents to take me out of the will. I am used to handling financial matters, but most of the issues coming up are emotional as well, and they lay on the guilt when I try to tell them that we should only look at this practically, after all, I'm rich (and my money is easy to spend...). I have always been very generous and treated my parents and siblings to trips, paid for surguries, etc., but they still think that I am the one who should solve this problem. I have many financial obligations of my own, including dependant children. They point out that I live very well, but i have worked hard for every penny and never inherited a thing. As much as I would like to remain unemotional about this because I feel that the solution I have is a practical one, they are getting on my very last nerve. Any practical advice out there?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to the last writer, Caregivingblog, who wrote and provided such useful information. It was a great help, I am learning more each day about the pro's and con's of our particular situation. I really appreciate the time that you took to write. I have watched my parents take care of his parents and maiden-aunt, who all suffered from dementia, and I have taken care of my husbands father - stroke, and his mom - dementia. It was a tough row to hoe, but it is part of life. I guess the thing that has been the biggest part of our problem is the fact that there was no forward-planning done. Most of this was dealt with after the fact as an emergency measure and my parents have always been in denial about any health problen that they have had. Our sister-in-law has parents who put their names down on a waiting list for the home that they wanted in their late 50's. I really admired that - but how many of us have the foresight to do this? Hopefully - I will have learned something from our current situation... but up until now, all I have increased is my intake of omega-3's...
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reader, caregivingblog.com  +, writes (10 August 2007):
Reverse mortgages are getting more attention as more people become familiar with the concept. In a former working life, I closed mortgages for more than 10 years. I know that when it comes to mortgage, as with so many things, the devil is in the details. I described my concerns about reverse mortgages back in March. You can find the piece at http://caregivingblog.com/independent-living/doubling-back-on-the-mortgage.html.Provided that you can find a good reverse mortgage problem, I think it would be a good idea in the circumstances you describe. Surely your parents want to pay their own way for as long as they possibly can.I also think you should tell your siblings about your wishes regarding your parents' wills. If all of your parents' money goes to their care, then no one inherits anything from them. That merely puts your siblings into the position you have already voluntarily put yourself.Whatever you decide to do, I just can't see that you have any obligation (financial, legal, moral or familial) to protect your siblings' inheritance. If your siblings think otherwise, they may be having trouble seeing beyond their own interests.My wife and I cared for my mother in our home for 2 1/2 years. She suffered from dementia, and when her care needs outran our abilities and resources we had to place her in a skilled nursing facility. She was adamant, however, about paying for it herself.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 August 2007):
 I love your Dad! What a character! You'll get through this I just hope you get support from you brothers/sisters. It does help to have family around but don't you find there is always one kid that ends up doing the most work in every family?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello and thanks to you both for your replies,
It has been a tough couple of weeks and shows little sign of becoming any easier in the foreseeable future. You have both been so supportive by replying. It is always tough to think clearly when you are in the middle of things, so your answers helped so very much.
On the lighter side, my Dad has pulled the fire-alarm three times at the home...
I suppose he prefers to go out with a bang, not a wimper...
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 August 2007):
Em's right, you should tell your sibs that you are no longer in Mom and Dad's will and then insist on the reverse mortgage. I'm sure that that's what your parents would want done. You have been more than generous with your hard-earned money and your sibs should feel grateful to you. Be strong I know it's tough when your folks start needing your care but that's just part of life. Take it easy, honey and keep us posted.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 I would tell your siblings that you have asked to be excluded from your parents will. This will give them a more balanced view of your decision about not paying 50% of the care home costs out of your own pocket. It is right that your parents estate (House savings etc) be used to pay for their care and your siblings should accept that. I live in England and that is how things are done here. Lots of people put their folks into crappy care homes, just so they can save on their inheritance and its very wrong to do so. Your parents money should be spent on providing the best care that it can afford.
It is not your fault that your siblings have not done as well as you finacially and just because you have more money doesn't mean you should shoulder the majority of the cost. I admire your reason to be cut out of the will, its your own choice and a noble one, but your siblings need to know that. You have been very generous to them and they should apreciate it. Stick to your guns, put your family in the bigger picture and hopefully things will work out.
Best of luck to you.
Aunty Em xxx
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