A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and a very good married friend of our family, have a very close relationship. I have had an illness for about four years, i am not disabled, but have spent many months in the hospital away from our home town. Our friend is very agressive and is hooked on my husband. She calls him at least once a day at work, she calls him when she is away on holidays, with her family or friends. She disciplines my children and is always at our home, having dinner, drinks, socializing, whether i am home or not. Her mother, husband and co-workers have all asked questions about "what is going on", she denies any feelings and says she is only there to help our family because i am so sick. I have been told by at least five or more people than they have noticed her, overstepping her boundaries, by following him around, hanging on him, saying that she is attracted to him and would like to sleep with him, if she was single. My husband doesn't see this at all, and she has denied it to me. What do I do? My kids love her kids. My husband and I have been having problems ever since, because he thinks that i'm stretching it out of control, but i'm not, he won't listen, what do i say to him?
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female
reader, Catflap1  +, writes (9 February 2011):
How sad for her, this is really bad.. However, she still represents the same danger. I am sure that she has plenty of friends. past behaviour you still need to keep some distance. In order to trust her she needs to show you that she is worthy and in the current circumstances that will be difficult for her. I understand how you must feel but there is no point in martyring yourself.
One thing I know is that people who are grieving can only do it themselves. She has spoiled your friendship and despite her tragedy, it may not be you that is the right person to step in. I would not personally be over – forward – all you need to do is express your sympathies and perhaps ask your joint friends to rally in helping her.
I would feel cross with her that she has, because of her actions made it difficult for you to help her - I am sure that the desire to have done so runs deep with you.
Perhaps express this to those friends and let them know how sad you feel that you are in this position. It must be very sad and make you feel guilty on some levels but you have done nothing except protect yourself from her and you must continue to do so to the extent that you feel right..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Gamine for your answer. I did blast her, after a couple glasses of wine, one nite...and that sent everyone in our group over the edge. It divided our friendships and my thought is, because I am not a gossip, and she is a chatty cathy, that most of our friends don't know my side of the story, but everybody in town knows hers. Should I start telling my story at this stage in the game. I told my husband that she had eyes for him and that she wanted to "do him", he was surprised. News flash, our "friends husband was killed four weeks ago in a auto accident", and so we have revived our relationship, because we love her children, and are absolutely shocked and saddened for them, that being said, I have had a few friends who have asked if that makes me nervous, because now she is a widow and is very strong willed. I'm nervous and don't know if I should keep our relationship or let it go. As I said before, we have many mutual friends together and live in a small town. I guess I'll just have to pay attention to see where she goes from here. I don't think at the present time that she is able to see that way, although today a friend of hers was buying her sexy widow jeans, cause she has lost so much weight, and I immediately thought, stay away from my husband, am i wrong to think this way about her, she has just lost her husband, and everyone feels extremely sorry for her circumstances. Have you ever heard of a woman pursuing another man after their husband died?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess my question is what the heck is usual....nothing really...when you have children and an illness, nothing is usual....should i trust my husband and this friend in our relationship? or do i cut it (her) off completely...we have many, many mutualy friends together and live in a small town...i don't know what to do....thanks....
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A
female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (7 February 2011):
Just do something, don't pontificate. Tell you husband that you want to get back to usual now that you are better so you don't want any visitors for a month or two until youi have got back to noraml at home.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your generous and appropriate answers. My story started happening about four years ago, it is long, and i'm not sure how to get it out there, but I really need to get it out as I still carry it with me and if I don't share it all, i'm afraid it will drive me crazy and as well split my husband and i apart. Should i just write it all down, if so, you will have to bare with me. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (3 February 2011):
You need your husband to respect your wishes here. I am sorry you have been unwell. You may not have been assertive enough so you need to tell her thanks for your help but I no longer need it so you can stop now.
This friendship has run its course. You can say “I don’t feel comfortable with the extent to which you have become involved with my family and I now need time with them to myself so that we can get back to normal. I want you to stop looking after us now and allow us to get on with our own family life.”
Then start to cool off. She has invaded your space and role too much and seems to be relentless in her quest to wheedle her way in.
Then you need to tell your husband in a matter of fact way what you are feeling and what you would like him to do. Your husband needs to support you, to tell her that he does not want her to call him any more because he does not need looking after now. He needs to understand that it is time to get back to normal and her influence is prevention you.
If he makes excuses about why it is harmless than alarm bells should ring and I would be worried as he will be showing more loyalty to her than you or is afraid of the following conflict. He needs to show you that your emotional well being is of utmost importance. Dismissing your knowledge of how women work and your intuition is not on. I hope he is a good man and not trying to fool you. Perhaps you should check his phone for messages.
You still need to make a concrete, totally firm statement that this must stop. If it doesn’t (and I am talking worst scenario now) be prepared to ask him to leave because he will have put her attentions above your most basic requirements. You are mistress of your own house. It is offensive that she says she would like to sleep with your husband and totally inappropriate.
Ask a relative of yours to come and stay for a while so that if she arrives and tries to barge in she can be expelled politely, sorry but you are rather busy and will call her – then don’t. She must stop coming round. Tell her husband your concern that she appears to be trying to invade your house, win the affection of your children and take your place. It seems like a sick possibility.
I presume she has her own children so perhaps her husband could discuss this with his whole family and get their support. Her husband should perhaps speak with yours to spell out how he feels as well. You and he can unite to make this boundary.
It is essential that your husband supports you because this friendship must finish. She is dangerous.
I had a similar situation once, a silly friend was always flirting and posing in front of my partner, outstaying her welcome and all that. I got shot of her, she was a stupid self-destructive person. Any entanglement with her and your husband is onto a life of misery, she is a controlling, selfish person.
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