A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I really hope that you reply to this as im stuck in the middle of something that I'm affraid to fix.I was recently in a long relationship (6 years) where things slowly started to fall apart in the last few months, i started to feel more and more left out of her life and the physical side to our relationship had been suffering too. I made things worse by never speaking up when things started to get on my nerves and let things swell to become more of a problem then they might have been.We decided to take a break, after 2 weeks she wanted to try again but I wasn't ready so she decided that we might as well make it official and break up.I somehow fell into a relationship with a friend sortly after this, i'm unsure if it was just the oppertunity to be close to someone again that drew me in or maybe just the physical side of it all. I've been in this new relationship for 3 months and she has issues with trust, trusting anyone. She's already expressed that her parents will disaprove of me (something to do with race) and there's probably a lot that I don't know about her yet. We do have fun but our relationship is much more physical than that of my ex.Okay, now this is my issue :(. The girl from the first relationship wants to try again, she vowles to fix all that was wrong. I admit i do miss her and havn't seen many of the friends that we both share. But equally im in a new realationship, one that i'm unsure of, and one that my ex is unaware of. I don't know how to see my way through this and trying to hold on to both will only cause harm. Is my current relationship just a rebound, or just a grab for the closeness that I was missing ? After six years I kind of feel like I owe my ex the chance to fix things, because when things were good they were awesome, but where does that leave my new partner and if I tell my ex about the current relationship I may loose anychance of fixing things if I wanted to. There's no easy way out but i can't make a choice and not making a choice is making it all worse.Desperatly hoping for a reply
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Seems like you are spoiling for a fight with your 'ex'. You are unjustifiable critical of her, so either you are with her again or not. Make a decision and fast.Regarding the new one: she has you wrapped around her little finger. You have major problems regarding race. Already you have been told her family has issues with you (race). Inferiority complex in the long run? These people will never accept you and you will have to spend your whole life trying to win then over, your whole life proving that you are worth it. Ids this what you want. For these people to make you ashamed of who you are and what you are.Yes you love having sex with the new one, but at what cost? Losing your identity?If your ex irritates you, annoys you then do the honorable thing and say goodbye to her. Six years is a long time and if you cannot value that then stop being cruel and end it totally. Becareful of running back to the new one, the race issue is still to be dealt with.LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): It keeps going :S and so I’m back again.The new girl surprisingly isn't gone, she believes she’s the right one for me and says that no matter what we can work things out, she loves me so it doesn’t matter what her parents think (apparently her mum is the only issue, her dad is fine with it all). She is amazing, she cares so much for all those around her, gets on really well with my family (better than my ex) and tries to get me out of my shell a lot more (I can be rather shy). I think with her I was always one foot in, because of things with my ex always on my mind, maybe things could work if I jumped in two feet and forgot all the past.At the moment I believe that I love them both and that maybe I’m really just looking for closure from my ex as we never really ended things properly.I’ve contacted the new girl and apologized for everything, said how amazing she is but that I can’t hold a relationship with her whilst I still have these issues with my ex, and that they need to be sorted out.The last few days I’ve done some things as friends with my ex and found that I do get annoyed with her easily and that she always bugs me about things repetitively. I find a lot of the time when she talks to me it feels very pushy, she talks everything out in dot points, you do this.this.this.this. She does work as a teacher so maybe that were it comes from. I find that when I’m with her I easily get into the yea yea yea mode when shes talking about stuff, that can’t be good can it. Is this me trying to find flaws is her, we did last 6 six years maybe things really did change. If I decided that the new girl is right, my ex and I both need to decided that it’s totally over so that I don’t have her chasing me and that there is solid closure.I still can’t believe that two people want to hold onto me so badly, I don’t see myself as anything special.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 All signs indicate that the new girl is gone from your life. That does simplify your decision somewhat. All of the factors involved in deciding whether or not to get back with your ex are still there. It is good she is patient. She should be as she also has a six year investment.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): I decided to brave it out and admit all
So i've told both involved about everything, they've even met up and talked.
Surprisingly they both still want to be with me, as long as I remove the other from my life.
I've asked for time alone to think. My ex is happy to do this and thinks it’s a good idea, the newer girl wants an answer now and is really pressuring me for one, somehow I’ve managed to stall a little.
More factors have entered my mind, the new girl gets angry at things very fast and we’ve already has a few fights over bizarre petty things, when she finishes study her work will more than likely be in at least another town if not country, and as I’ve said before she's admitted that her parents wouldn't like me based on race (apparently it's an asian thing). I can’t remember fighting with my ex, I think I bottled things up and that lead to our breakup because I never expressed things so that they could be fixed.
Update from this morning:
This morning the new girl came round and picked up everything that she had at my place and asked me to remove all images that I had of us on my computer and cameras, just photos of going out nothing full on. She has it in her mind that I’m going back to my ex but I keep trying to explain that I just need a little time alone to make a decision, she then left in quite a huff. I don’t blame her for that, I’ve put her through a lot.
All this time my ex is patiently waiting.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (6 February 2011):
Welcome back,
you ask, "Is it okay for me to do things as friends with both of them,?"
Well whatever you can all agree to is "okay", but I have a feeling that you are going to get a lot of resistance from both of the women on that plan. You are already too involved with both of them for them to accept a time sharing arrangement.
If you don't know your true feeling for your ex, who you were with for six years. confusing your feelings by ping ponging between the two is not going to help. In fact it it going to make it worse.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Pressure, yes emence because I know it's unfair to try to hold on to both.Do I love any of them ? , that's a tough one to answer, there both good fun in there own way but lately I find myself thinking about my ex a lot and also thinking about things that we used to do like sport and silly activities that were always fun. Happy moments that we had and accross almost 6 years there were lots of them.I fear that asking the new girl for some space will be hurtful to her because it's kinda like breaking up. I don't know how to go about asking for us to step back a bit and do things as friends for a little while.Is it okay for me to do things as friends with both of them, on different days, if were friends there it's not cheating anything but I still sence it could be seen as wrong. It's kinda like weighing them up against each other, but isn't that what I need to do to discover my true feelings for each.I need to find a way to get this rolling.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 February 2011):
Anonymous,
Thanks for writing back. Sometimes we wonder if the answers we write are even being answered.
About the cheating. As so often we have to do, we read the post a few times then look for the signs and patterns and try to fill in the blanks. That is where I came up with the cheating. It was an educated guess based on the patterns I perceived.
Usually I would be all for reviving a six year relationship. Six years means that there was certainly something there. You seem like a mature and forgiving kind of guy. I think you could be strong enough to pull it off. If that is the course you prefer, then I have a little more advice for you.
First the new girl is fun but shallow. From what you have said, she would never stick with you for 6 years. The sooner you let her go the easier it will be for both of you. Don't try to hang on to her as some sort of back up plan. She won't last that long anyway. Besides you need to be fully committed if you are going to repair your relationship with your ex.
Second. you need a better reason to get back with your ex than the fact that she lives closer to your friends. As I just mentioned, you need to be fully committed. Search your feelings, are you really ready to forgive anything and give all to make this work? If so, go forth. If not, rethink.
I am still not trusting your ex. But, I don't have to, you do. You don't need a full disclosure confession from her. I'm a believer in confessing but when she is ready and wants too, let her do it. You should also let her know where you have been. If she can't handle that it's not going to work anyway. Hopefully she will feel the same way you do about flings during the break up.
BE Strong.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): I created this question without an accound and now made an account so I could reply. (if anyone know how I can add the question to my account that would be super)
The main problem with seperating that I face is that I share a lot of the same friends as my ex and they all live much closer to my ex's than to my house. I find this makes it harder to catch up with them and find that maybe that is contributing to my lonelyness.
The new relationship we share almost all the same hobbies, tho it can be easy to do them in different areas.
Dr Cal & blonde30s:
How do I go about saying that I need a break from both of them without causing too much harm ? (I've already had a few months away from my ex so she'll be saying we've already had a break). Would it matter if we saw each other at sporting training/events or saw each other at friends partys. Is it okay to see each other as friends ?
Fatherly Advice:
Wow you've probably read into this deeper that I did when writing it.
I've never said that my ex cheated, and if she's had relationships/flings since we seperated it doesn't bother me at all.
I guess in a lot of ways I hope that the old relationship can be fixed but i'm scared of loosing the new one and being unable to fix the old, leaving me alone.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 February 2011):
Dear Anonymous,
The Problem is that you are not getting The messages these women are trying to send. First the new girl. She is distrustful and tells you her parents won't approve, then she is very physical with you. The message is: "there is no future in this relationship but you are fun to play with. I'll be happy to use you for as long as I can get away with it."
The Ex Girl Ignores you for months, then wants you back as soon as you break. The longer you are gone the more she wants you back. But, in waves, not consistently. The message is, "I'm comfortable with you, I like a stable man in my life, but I'm willing to cheat on you, and I'll probably do it again as soon as I get you committed again."
So you decide which is a better fit for you. Personally I'd leave them both. You are right that if you tell the ex that you are in a relationship, she will think you cheated on her memory. Regardless of her own unfaithfulness, she will be very upset. If you try to hide the new relationship, it will poison your returning relation with the ex. The same will happen if she confesses to the two affairs she has had.
FA
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