A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need your help. Me and my girlfriend have been together for a while and today she told me that when she was hanging out with her friends. That one of her guy friends hugged her from behind. She brushed the guy off numerous times and told him to stop because she's in a relationship (with me). But he refused to listen. He just kept grabbing her and nibbling on her neck. What should I do? Should I break up or stay with her? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (23 September 2011):
You shouldn't break up with her. She hasn't done anything wrong by you, because it isn't her doing something that she shouldn't, she is being taken advantage of by another guy. She is also young and inexperienced, so she doesn't know how to deal with it. Neither do you. This is something you can learn how to deal with together. You know you can trust her because she is telling you what is happening.
This is something she really needs to be able to deal with, and even though it is only hugging and nibbling, it is serious. The reason it is serious is because the guy is testing his limits. He is testing to see how much he can get away with. The next time it might be a kiss that he tries to force on her, the next time something more. He might not be the only guy who tries this in her life, so she needs to learn how to deal with guys like this who try to take advantage of women.
She needs to realise that a guy who doesn't respect a girl's physical space and privacy like this is not a friend. She should accept that, and should accept that she needs to do what she can to stay away from him. That means not hanging out with him, or if they all have common friends, letting some of their common friends know that she doesn't want him touching her. She can also let him know, tell him to his face, that she doesn't want him touching her. You can't be certain of how he will react thought, so this is not always helpful. This guy might think it is funny and just a bit of a joke, but he might understand if she said it to him in such a serious way.
This can be a tricky thing to communicate, but she needs to learn how to do it in a way that suits her, because whilst it is not so dangerous now, it can become more dangerous.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 September 2011):
 You could go punch this other guy in the nose and say, "keep your cotton-pickin' fingers off my girlfriend." BUT, I'm not allowed to recommend violence on this site.... so do something else besides what I suggested.....Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 September 2011):
 The problem is the other guy.
Your girl said no.
Maybe not assertively enough. She may have been shocked, and embarassed, and did not know how to react. Or cared too much about looking mean.
There is no such thing as being 'too rude' to a guy who will not take NO for an answer.
But it is your girl friend who needs to fight this battle, as that is the way she will become the assertive confident woman she needs to become.
Do not fight this battle for her.
She has to be responsible and do this for herself.
But you can coach her in how to speak more assertively in case this jerk tries again.
The other guy did not respect your girlfriend. She may have been too embarassed to embarass the jerk. But if a jerk is embarassing a girl then there is no need for her to spare his feelings.
Perhaps your girlfriend needs some help, from you, to practice (in private) being assertive.
Lots of girls are worried, far too worried, about what other people will "think" of them. Especially if they have to stand up assertively to some unreasonable behavior from a Jerk.
To quote Oprah Winfrey, "what other people think of your is none of your business". Because you cannot worry about what everyone else is saying about you. And your girl friend cannot worry about what everyone else is saying about her.
People need to to focus on their values, what matters to them.
Do not bother to get into a fight with this other guy. He is clearly a Neanderthal. An unevolved and rude man. Potentially abusive. Not very nice. Bad news. A guy to avoid at all costs. He is not worthy of consideration.
Your girlfriend does need to be firmer when she sets boundaries. She is still young and certainly does not need to lose you just because she is not yet skilled enough to stand up to an idiot like this Jerk.
Each person has to be true to themselves.
If a jerk comes up to any girl, and behaves inappropriately then the girl has to behave assertively back, as firmly as possible.
Such as Jerk touches her again, after she has said NO and stepped away from him. He tries again. Ignoring her NO.
She responds, "I said NO. Get your Dirty hands off me, go away jerk"
He still ignores her and presses his attention on her again.
She moves away again, gives him a look of scorn and tells him, "Are you deaf? I said NO. Get it into your head NO means NO. Get lost creep"
And walk away.
Nibbling on her neck? She definitely needs some serious lessons in how to set boundaries and say NO and mean NO.
And if he persists she needs to align herself closer to her girl friends and discuss him at a distance about his unacceptable behavior. A bit of shaming and scorn from all the girls will help give him the message.
There is nothing nice about a Jerk foisting his unwelcome attention on a girl who is NOT interested.
But a girl who cannot say NO and mean it makes herself vulnerable to abuse by a Neanderthal in the future.
Give your girlfriend the support to stand up to this guy herself.
Conversely if she did allow some flirting to go too far and is now trying to cover her tracks then she needs to come clean and tell you the truth. Otherwise she could lose a nice guy (you). But do not assume that she liked it at all. I think she was just unprepared about how to react and how to stop it. Some girls giggle, not because they like something but because they are embarassed and cannot think of anything to stop the unwanted behavior. Later on unprepared girls might say, "Ï should have done this or I should of done that"
But you cannot blame such girls. They are in shock usually and have little experience. And are not sure of the right reaction. The right reaction to unwanted attention is always NO. But that is easy to say if a person has practised saying NO. No so easy if they have never experienced unwanted attention in the past.
get her to show a disgusted face, a disgusted tone in her voice. Scorn in her eyes and then unleash the NO words.
And help her to say it firmly and loudly enough to embarass him in public.
And warn her to never never ever allow herself to be alone with this Jerk. For he is very bad news and to be avoided.
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