A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for nearly the past two and a half years. I have had a lot of happy memories with him, we've attended multiple music festivals, camped, ridden horses, laughed, and cried together. He even accompanied me on a recent visit to Auburn's Veterinary College (I am a pre-vet major and very stressed out often times due to this). However, there is a lot of trust that needs to be there... But just isn't. When I first met him I knew he was a bit of a man whore. I know I should have obeyed the warning signs and just split, but I was 18 at the time and honest to God thought I could change him. You know that romance every girl holds of essentially capturing and taming their own loyal bad boy, sort of like a wild mustang or something. But, alas, boys are not horses and I have come to a rather scary question: Can love really change a person for the better? Or do people never change? There have been numerous instances both confirmed (not by him but by my snooping) and not of infidelity on his part. This has always hurt me, because he was with me during my parents' separation (induced by an infidelity on my father's part)- He knows that infidelity in my eyes is the ultimate betrayal. I have told him that if he wants someone else, I'm not going to stop him. When you love a person, you let them go, right? I have managed to look past a lot of these as usually it's pretty petty stuff, like him getting drunk and kissing someone. Even then, it does hurt. But awhile back I found nude photos he had sent to a girl he had had a thing with when he was going to a different school. This almost resulted in the end of the relationship. Months went by and things got back to normal and I thought maybe this was just another stumbling block to scramble over. But he has still kept in contact with this girl, this sexually aggressive hussy of a girl! I think they have even skyped on my computer. I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't understand it. If he wants her, then why doesn't he just leave and let me be? Is it possible that he's just as conflicted about breaking things off as I am? I really do think he loves me, and for some reason I still love him; it's just very convoluted and seems to be a secret source of distress in my life. I am afraid to let him know what I do, because I am afraid to admit that I don't trust him like I used to. But it's gotten to the point where even sex has begun to feel like a chore or a test of my ability. I am constantly asking myself, "Is this the only reason he's willing to risk losing our relationship? Because I don't put out enough/look good enough/flirt enough/do well enough in bed?" It's beginning to make me feel objectified, depressed, and under appreciated. I am an intelligent, fairly attractive person who loves to laugh and learn. But there's just something about this guy that will make me put up with the most outlandish crap to make things work. All I seem to get from his end is the motions of a relationship while he has his dish on the side.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Here are two sincere comments from an old codger who has been around.
1. Women date and marry men in hopes that they can change them. (They can't!)..... Men date and marry women in hopes that they won't change. (They DO!)....
2. Women "work on" relationships as if it were building a bridge or skyscraper. They speak of the "investment" in their partnership, and enumerate landmark dates and events as if there is some definable goal that they are pursuing.
Men "participate" in relationships.... if that's what it takes to get sex....
Good luck...
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