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female
,
anonymous
writes: I don’t know how to handle aspects of my male friend’s behaviour. He has recently asked me to be his girlfriend and said I could take some time to decide what to do if I wanted to. I am so guarded when it comes to men (haven’t dated anyone in 10 years!) and I want to try and get over it and take a chance with this guy. I need to realise that the perfect man doesn’t exist and that everyone has less attractive qualities to their character. I am quite sensitive and if a guy makes a comment I don’t like I become withdrawn. In most instances, I tend to think that most other people wouldn’t be bothered by the things i get bothered with. On the flip side, I wonder how much of the less attractive qualities I see in a guy I should tolerate. As I say this guy has asked me to be his girlfriend but I am so unsure what to do and I can’t keep him hanging on forever. He sent me a message yesterday saying did I want to discuss further becoming involved in a relationship with him. I replied saying yes I did when I next saw him. Anyway, this evening he came over quite late. He can be very quiet sometimes and this frustrates me at times because I feel that if it were not for me making the effort to talk to him we would never talk! This evening was one of those times, but that was not the thing that really bothered me. It was the fact that he said a nice student nurse had started at his workplace. I was annoyed because instead of saying things to me to make me feel good about starting a relationship with him he mentioned this other girl. Why did he do that agony aunts? My mum reckons he is trying to get me to make a decision by suggesting that if I don’t hurry up he will pursue this other girl, or was he trying to make me jealous or both? What do you think and how should I handle it? Every woman I know says that their partner/husband comments on pretty girls but does it mean anything when they say it? I tend to think not, but why do guys say things about other girls to their partners/wives? I tend to think it is insensitive of a guy to say that to a girl, particularly one he likes/loves. For instance, my mum said that my dad has always made comments to her about other girls he found attractive and it used to really bother her but not anymore. Mum said she thinks it is a method a guy uses to keep his loved one interested in him suggesting that if she didn’t remain interested in him then there are plenty of other women he could be with. Anyway, when my male friend said this I immediately became withdrawn and quiet and not long after he said he wasn’t sure why he came over as he was tired; he did seem genuinely tired but he didn’t need to say the ‘I don’t know why I came over’ - it made me feel like I wasn’t worth seeing, even though I should be happy that he made the effort to see me even though he was tired! (His verbal communication is poor in the sense that he doesn’t have much tact but I think that is due to a possible mild neurological condition that he has). Well, he left and I thought he would invite me out somewhere private to discuss the matter further as we agreed but he just left and went home!!!He has told me that he wants a serious relationship and not one that is based on sex, but I still keep thinking in the back of my mind that is really what he is after. Some months ago, he had mentioned the fact that he missed the physical side of a relationship and started talking about a f**k buddy relationship where if two people were single they could pursue that type of relationship until they found someone they wanted to be with. I got the impression he was after that from me but he tells me he hates those type of relationships too. He also agreed with me that he would want to take things really slow. I can't help thinking that because he can't have me as a f**k buddy, he is asking me out so that he can get sex as part of the relationship and then dump me as soon as a better prospect comes along. It seems that our relationship is one of extremes. He has such amazing qualities that i have never found in another man; he is the one man I have met who I can truly be myself with but on the other hand he has this side to him that I find difficult to deal with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): I like reading letters like yours, from someone who is truely thinking with her head, here about who the best person is.. for her future. About this man. I deeply sense you are very conflicted. You are asking us if there is any justification in the fact, that he felt the need to mention other women, I say No. Is there any justification to his comments about f**k buddys, etc. I say No. You are not an insecure woman with paranoia..quite the opposite, actually. You are a woman who has pride and self-respect, so I understand why this would make you rethink. No mature, caring man with integrity would say such 'nonsense' to a woman he's genuinely interested in. I am like you, I would find that a bit disconcerting. Telling you stuff like that, is a 'ploy' to forcing a decision out of you and that is wrong (somewhat forceful) on his part. This is plainly wrong. Keep protecting yourself here, and don't allow anyone to force you into making a decision about your future, that you could come to regret. So if your 'gut instincts' are on high alert, and you are being urged to make make a quick decision about how you want to proceed with this man, you have every right to decline or tell him 'you want to go slow' to make sure he is 'what you want'. Don't just settle. So many woman see 'red flags' in men and shrug them off. (some pay a huge price, later) Don't undermine your own instincts and resolve by falling into that 'womanly' sensitivity trap of not trying to hurt his feelings nor demanding much from him.
Be selective, use discernment and keep using your head! As a freethinking woman, you are entitled to live the kind of life you want so therefore you have the right to choose the most respectable, decent, loving person that you feel would be best for your future. You are the one that will have to put up with him, dear-so make it a good choice--- but do it for you! In a nutshell, go slow and take your time! If you are having any doubts, don't rush into it. If he wants to be a part of your life and you are truely worth it to him, he'll wait. If he doesn't wait, then so be it..that only will say , he wasn't the right man for you. If this happens, you move on to better prospects. Good luck, dear and be strong.
A
female
reader, Helen1986  +, writes (25 August 2006):
 The reason he goes quiet infront of you is because he likes you and he becomes nervous and doesn't know what to say. He mentions other women because he wants to see your reaction. If you reacted jealously he would see that you like him, if you looked like you really weren't bothered at all he would see that you werent interested in him. Because he is waiting for an answer from you, he is using other tactics to find out if you like him. By him saying " I don't know why I came over" he really wants a reaction out of you. He wants you to be like " I am so glad you came over though". He is playing a game with you. Not in a bad way. He really wants to be with you hunny. But you have got to give him an answer quickly it is not fair to keep this man hanging. Nobody in this world is perfect and you are never going to find someone if you pick on everyones faults. Look for the good in this bloke, what are his good qualities? All I am saying is follow your heart, not all men are just after sex you know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): If you really want a relationship with this man but neither of you can talk about it when you're together then maybe you could write your feeling down and give it to him. He could possibly do the same and that way you both know where you stand with each other. If that doesn't work then you're both better off being friends.
As for sex, he has told you he wants a SERIOUS relationship so try to trust that. I don't think sex is all he is after though as he is giving you time to think about what YOU want. He is willing to wait for you.
Good luck in whatever choice you make.
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A
female
reader, camille +, writes (25 August 2006):
 I'll try to keep this short. Why are you bothered what he thinks about other girls really? You mentioned that he could have been saying nice things about you instead, well, erm, why should he? He has asked you out and is waiting for an answer! If you like him, go for it, if you're not sure, don't. Being friends with someone who has feelings for you is going to be difficult, but don't tread on his heart by giving him a try just because you haven't dated for 10 years. No-one is perfect and I'm sure there's things about you he'll find difficult to handle. I don't think you sound ready to date this man as you're questioning his motives for him asking you out. You don't sounds very trusting and that's before you go out with him. I think you need to talk to someone about your insecurities, self-esteem and paranoia and find out why you're suspicious. And for the record, my boyfriend never makes comments about other girls. I know he thinks it would be rude and disrespectful too. I am very lucky as I know plenty of men and women who do. Maybe your Mum's theory is right but I think it's time YOU got on with life, have some fun and stop getting hung up on every little thing everyone says.
By the way, do you actually even fancy this guy?
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