A
female
age
41-50,
*ellavita
writes:i have moved to italy with my partner and two kids one girl 12 (her dad is not involved with her life) and our son 2years old.... my partner is never home is is a long distance truck driver, he is completly no fun what so ever he moans about everything like the house can be completly spotless and clean he will noticed bin in bathroom hasnt been emptied or that an unnated room light has been left on blah blah i hav the life of a dog with a very short lead, he gives me enough money to buy shopping ciggarettes i have no access to his bank which he told me i would if i moved with him..... iwant to leave him but it is so difficult he a stole our sons passport so i cant leave i have no money and no savings also hes a bit of a scary guy and he has hit me badly in the past though this hasnt happed now for about 6months, also to make the situation worse his mum is such a nice woman she helps alot more so with our son than my daughter of corse and she has on numerous occasions helped whith money babysitting and has paid doctors fees but to her is son is nothing less than perfect..and thinks when u hav kids u hav to be together 4 ever and says things to me like if you leave i will dye of lonliess with out my grandkids they are the lov of her life, but i hate my partner i am only here because inow hav no savings i spent them all here while he was looking 4 work no home or furniture to return in scotland with, and no passport for my son even if i wanted to .last week after he gave me 100 euros to by clothes and a further 30 for cigs and stufff i spent all on clothes as i had none i really needed some kids always hav good clothes and are fed well just me thats not. he went to his work for over a week leaving me 0 his mother has been buying me cigs giving me 20 euros here then another 20 when its finished my life with this man is humiliating for a 35 yr old woman i realise this is a difficult one but any suggestions plz
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): You're gonna have to take your time with this and do a bit of research on all your available options, the embassy, womans shelter and the italian equivalent of the citizens advice beureau (free legal/social advice) amongst others, he and his family are going completely the wrong way about keeping you together, instead of trying to work things out with you, he's trying to force you to stay by keeping the passports. That's not love that's possession.
Even if he has never hit the kids his behaviour to you is ridiculous and unacceptable and they see this all the time.
A
female
reader, bellavita +, writes (25 January 2009):
bellavita is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the female reader i cant just leave as he has stole our sons passport from me, which is an italian resident passport with his signature on it as well as mine so just get up and leave isnt an option at this moment but many thanks for your reply
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): if this was me.. i'd wait until he was going away for a few days and i'd get the hell out once he's gone, i wouldn't tell ANYONE, i would just plan it in my head what i am going to do, get out when he's gone, and go to the embassy as cerberus said! Get you and ur kids away from him. i hope it all works out for you. good luck x
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A
female
reader, bellavita +, writes (25 January 2009):
bellavita is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni feel i have to add that his excuse is the pressure of our lack of money and too much work on his side .he has never harmed any of the children. in the past when he had hit me he had a bad gambling problem and had been drinking he as far as i knowhasnt gambled for just over a year and gave up drinking xmas passsed. but my love for him has gone when i try to talk about it he tells me behave grow up get real we r not kids and basically ignores me. my daughter is wary of him as she knows he can be nasty mouth wise to me..... but he is never nasty to the kids i suppose maybe thats why i havnt called the police about the passport situation, it would be too messy and im scared of the consequences of that. as carmine has alot of friend and family here that would support him. when i told his mum he has took and hid our sons passport she said its because i before threatind to leave him and he is scared i do.
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A
male
reader, agtorange  +, writes (24 January 2009):
 Call the authorities, whather you've got the funds or not they'll help you get away from that.
I'd suggest leaving the guy, it's not fair for you to be that unhappy, and it's not something the kids should have to see either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): You need to go to the british consulate/embassy and discuss your situation with someone there. Tell them you have an abusive partner and he has you trapped with no passports.You might have to file a police complaint before they give you temporary passports, as far as the money thing goes I know its hard but you can give up smoking but still get them to give you money for cigarettes, you can hide that money somewhere and save up to get out of there. Also see if you can find a womans shelter and get some advise from them, it will be hard for his mother to take but you don't have to stop her seeing them, as hard as it is for her it will be a lot harder on your kids to watch you be abused and worn down. Trust me I was one of those kids, it is crushing to see your god (mother) being ripped apart.His mother might seem nice but she is emotionally blackmailing you into staying by saying things like that, even her kindness's seem a selfish ploy to keep you tied into this abusive relationship. I am no expert on this but I have experienced it and you must know that what is happening to you is also happening to your kids, this can't be the life you want for them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): It sounds as if you have a lonely life at the moment , but the good news is that you realise that ! You can now take steps to make life better for yourself ....and that involves becoming more independent . If your partner is away most of the time , then you need a network of friends to support you . Why not think of doing a college course from home ...something that could lead to a new career and ultimately financial independence.That is vital for your future . You need to work out from your heart if this relationship is worth saving . You are more than just a cleaner . Say to your partner that you need some quality time ( perhaps a short break without your children )and talk about your feelings ! If he is not understanding , then you must decide if this long - distance relationship is worth the heartache...good luck !
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