A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been stuck inside on lockdown for nearly a month now with my other half and his Dad who is our live-in landlord. We're getting to each other, nit-picking, moodswings, the lot. And I know it's because of the unusual circumstances that we're in, but I'm finding it hard to keep my cool and remember why I love him because of all the little things that are annoying the hell out of me. I tidied up, he didn't notice. I moved furniture, he said "moving heavy furniture by yourself, why didn't you shout me?" no thank you, no gratitude. Oh, my answer was, because I'm strong enough to do it myself, which I am. I was talking to him today, and he literally blanked me while on his phone, then looked up and said "what did you say sorry?" and he does this, a lot. The other day we nearly split up over a petty argument. And now I feel I can't talk to him about these things without it developing into another stupid argument. I do love him, but this lockdown is testing us. Please send me helpful advice on how to cope through this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2020): We are all stuck in lockdown and some are alone and extremely vulnerable, and many have lost their lives be thankful you have company and are in the safety of home.
Pettiness is not going to help your situation and will only make it harder for all of you. Cleaning can be done at your leisure, if you want to do it, just get on with it and let people be. I would relax and enjoy the company have fun, make nice meals, play trivia pursuit, cards dance, read, write, many better choices than puffing and chuntering about meaningless things. Try and be a better company and if he does not put his phone down, enjoy your own accompany, pamper yourself. Make time for what you like but please stop moaning the whole world has far bigger problems than noticing who's cleaned the pots.
I wish you well, be strong with inner calm.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2020): Don't look at this as a test of your relationship; it's a test of your patience, and how easily you can be annoyed in-general. Everyone gets edgy when we're crammed together and forced to stay inside. You're not annoyed with each-other, you're annoyed with the situation; fearful of not knowing if you'll be infected, and aggravated by facing so many unknowns. If you and your boyfriend are naturally cranky...usually one of you more than the other...this is just a evaluation of both your levels of maturity and tolerance. Guys don't have periods, so we get a double-whammy when it's that time of the month! He can also be insufferably stupid, it's like guys go brain-numb sometimes; and what we say and do make absolutely no sense. Yeah, I've seen it happen. I'm a guy, and I gotta boyfriend too! I don't know what comes over us!
When facing a crisis, you'll endure all kinds of durability-exercises. You're pushed to your limits! Passing your thresholds! Reaching your boiling-point! Things pushing your tolerance-levels, stressing on your powers of restraint, and over-checking your ability to regain composure after stress and strain. If you fly-off the handle easily anyway, it won't take much. Then it's a question of is it him, or is it YOU?
You're turning this into hell for each other! You're only spending more time together. That's what most women come to DC complaining about! Yet when they get what they want, they get angry; because he's not their pleasure-puppet bowing and scraping, or turning himself inside-out to please her! If you're no princess, he doesn't have to be a prince. It goes two-ways! He's coping the best way he knows how; and so are you, sweetheart! I know what you're going through. I'm going through this mess too!!!
Girlfriend, get a grip!!!
Nobody is going to sit and listen to whining and complaining day-in and day-out. You now have the opportunity to do everything around the house you've been putting off. Learn to count to 20 before you blow your stack over petty stupid stuff! If you can't stand being in the same room together too long; get-up and go find yourself your own corner. If anger is the only way people know how to deal with this virus; then we are in for it!!!
This virus isn't your fault, nor is it his fault. He's cooped-up just like you are, and not there to sit around appealing to your sensitivities! Neither is he willing to be your whipping-post; because you're irritated being locked-down. Seems to me you've listed a long list of personality quirks you both had better practice gaining self-control over; because we're in for the long-haul! Bear in-mind, people have lost loved-ones! You still have yours! God-forbid anything goes wrong, the last thing you want on your conscience is that you were annoyed with each other the entire time! You don't know what is going to happen one day to the next; so your best-bet is to cool your tempers, and give each other as much space as you can. Work-on your personality-quirks; because everybody is going through this together. Until this over, all we've got is each other.
Imagine what it's like to be an astronaut, stuck in a capsule or space station for months! Weightless and confined to a little space. YOU CAN"T EVEN GO OUTSIDE FOR AIR! Somehow they manage to be civil to each other and survive it. This is a piece of cake. I love my home. I miss it! So we get to spend a little more time than we want to. Could be worse, a storm could blow it away. Then I'd be in a shelter with strangers somewhere. Better be thankful for what you've got. It could be gone in a puff of smoke, a storm-surge, or a unforeseen catastrophe.
You're pissed-off 'bout what zactly??? Some folks are all alone! Nobody to even talk to, or share the time with! Yet you two are quarreling?!! Seriously?!!
You and your boo need to take an extra-strength chill-pill! Nit-picking and quarreling over stupid stuff is a reflection on who you are, not what you're going through. During wartime in the history of your country; people had to live literally underground, or couldn't come-out of their houses. At night, they had to shutoff the lights; and had nothing to entertain themselves but radios. If they even had electricity, or working plumbing! Everyone had to hunker-down and be quiet during air-raids; and watch tanks roll through their streets. There were homes bombed-out, food-shortages, no jobs, and everything was hard to find. You think you've got it tough now??? You two better forgive each other, and count to 20 every-time you feel your tempers rising.
Step-away, and splash water on your face. Each morning, you should be doing cardio and breathing exercises. Do sit-ups, push-ups, and squats. S-t-r-e-t-c-h! Nighttime before bed, the same! Joke and tease each-other playfully. If you don't want to cuddle, don't force-it! Wait until you do.
Go online to make sure you do all exercises properly, to avoid back or joint injury. You can't run to the hospital for just anything at the moment. Proper technique is always important!
Every night before bed, promise each-other you'll apologize for every spat. No matter how small, no matter who's right or wrong. If you're too proud, knuckle-headed, and snarky to even consider doing that; don't blame any of it on the shutdown. You both have other issues you need to deal with; starting with maturity and kindness!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2020): Try viewing him as your friend and not the enemy, you are looking for faults and almost hoping to trip him up. You are naturally under pressure, but so are we all and it is far better to have loved ones with us than to be alone on a lockdown. Please just relax and stop worrying about trivia, cleaning is necessary but hardly of great importance. Take some luxury time with your man, take a bath together and have a glass of wine, tell grandpop to make you all a supper involve him in the lockdown experience. Show appreciation for each other, laugh a little, relax, DON'T MAKE ENEMIES.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (6 April 2020):
 Keep in mind OP that EVERYONE is stressed. This is something that unless you are extremely old, you've never seen before. We are all scared freaked out and just barely hanging on. So basically join the crowd. We are all finding ourselves living in close quarters with our family and it can become very annoying at times to be with people that we love. Don't assume that you are the only one who is frustrated or stressed out at times. Now is the time to work together and keep in mind that we all have to work together.
People don't read minds and your partner doesn't know what you want or are thinking. Don't assume for a second that he does. Try and appreciate him and overlook the little things and if something is really bothering you then sit down and talk to him in a calm manner. He probably doesn't have a clue what you want or need while you assume that he does.
Things that are important to women sometimes men don't notice them. That's how men are. Communication is the key.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2020): It does sound like you are nitpicking here. Believe me I do get that that is easy to do when you are cooped up together, but you need to reign it in.
I do not at all get why you would be insulted that he wanted to help moving furniture? You don't need to prove that you are superwoman by doing it all by yourself. I would expect my other half to call me down so we could work together if we are re-arranging furniture...we would do it TOGETHER. I'm not sure if you have some underlying issues regarding feminism ...or...? It seems like you are out to prove something and taking that out on him.
As for the phone thing, yes that is annoying, but that is pretty much every person these days. I have been calling my husband on that too. I think you should have discussions about it for sure-- explain nicely about using manners which means putting away the phone and conversing. But be conscious that most people you meet would have the exact same issue. If he is already on his phone before you start talking, maybe you can first ask him nicely to put his phone away cuz you want to talk. Rather than just launching in before he is focused.
As for tidying up and him not noticing...yeah well honey that is typical with men and many people. He might just not register mess like you do. There is no harm in telling him, "honey, look, I tidied up and put all this away". Then let him respond. Or ask him to help you, then he will know what it involves. At least you aren't here saying that he doesn't notice when you dress up or doesn't compliment you, because many men have that problem too.
It does sound pretty trivial. Maybe his dad being there is just causing you to feel overly "watched" and making your nerves bad? I know I get this way at Hubby's families house, cuz I feel his mom is watching my every move ready to judge.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 April 2020):
 He isn't a mind reader, remember that.
Him saying why didn't you shout at me (when you moved furniture) it was NOT because he thought you can't do squat on your own or are some helpless, useless female, but because he genuinely WANTED to help. Men (at least the ones I know and have known) LIKE to be asked to help. It makes THEM feel useful too. It makes THEM feel needed too. Doing things together is GOOD. For both of you.
Had he said, oh I don't want to right now or maybe later, then.. you could have said, OK no worries, I'll do it myself.
See what I'm getting at here?
YOU need to stop thinking he can READ your mind. And you need to stop thinking you KNOW what he thinks or feels. Because you don't.
Set aside a "space" for each of you (if possible) so that you/he CAN get some solitude. It's nice to have a space where you do not HAVE to interact or take a little "me-time".
Find some board game and set up some game nights just the two of you. Yes, you can play many of them just two people.
Have a movie night. Make pop corn or snack and cuddle up just watch a movie.
Have a painting party the two of you, if a room needs painted. It's fun to do with someone.
Communicate to him that it would be NICE if he could put down his phone when you two are having a conversation. For instance at meal time, if you sit down together for meals. Then no phones allowed. If he is on his phone and you want to tell him something or talk about something, tell him, hey do you have a minute? If he says yes, then ask him to put the phone away while you talk and DO the same for him. It's called COMMON COURTESY!
I have to say occasionally when my husband goes on some political or just boring "rant" about something, I don't always listen and then later find out that he also said something that was more practical information, like blah blah blah, why don't we go to Lowes and look at drywall later? blah blah... And I totally spaced out, while nodding. It happens. Especially if it isn't really that interesting a subject. Or you are not in a conversational mood. Or you heard that story/info 10 times already. My husband does that occasionally too. I'm sure. It just can't make me that mad. Even when he forgets half the stuff at the store because he didn't really pay attention or he got sidetracked over cat-toys or windshield wipers.... IT happens and it's normal. You do it too, I BET YOU. Especially if you are around each other 24/7.
YOU DO NOT need to converse with each other every waking moment. It's OK to just sit and hang out in silence.
I like to pop my headphones on a find a good book on Audible while doing chores, like the dishes, laundry, etc. Or if I hang out with the rest of the family and they are watching something that doesn't catch my interest. We are all pretty capable of entertaining ourselves in this house.
I've been married for over 20 years and trust me, most men don't really notice when you tidy up (unless it was a disaster before). I like thing neat and tidy. I like things clean. I can probably count on one hand when hubby noticed that. It's like when you get your hair done (unless it's a drastic change).
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 April 2020):
 I think the only way to solve this is BY talking.
It’s not magically going to get better without some form of communication. If you’re both getting on each other’s nerves then you need to discuss how to improve things.
If you think just trying to silently deal with this will work, I can assure it won’t and you’ll end up resenting each other if it continues. Just be honest with him and discuss how you’re both feeling and it will help things become clearer.
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