| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi aunts and uncles, I hope you could give some advice I can use to do something about the situation I am currently in.I understand that these are hard times for everyone. My husband of 20 years and I are locked in in the best possible conditions, since we live in the country. Our house is in the middle of nowhere, we are surrounded by a forest, and our first neighbors are 2 miles away AND we have worked from home for the past 8 years. So the way we live now is really not so different from the way we usually live, apart from the social life. However, this pandemics is really getting to my husband. I suppose that he's anxious but instead of being worried and/or sad... he is EXTREMELY aggressive.Not a day goes by that he doesn't try to start a fight, he yells, insults me and nags almost ALL THE TIME. I don't do anything right, everything is somehow my fault, even when it hes nothing to do with me...I tried talking to him, but nothing seems to work. I am sick of the way he behaves. And I have told him calmly how hurt I am by his behavior.We had two major incidents recently. 1. A week ago he went to pick up an order we had placed from the grocery store in the nearby town. Before he went, I had called the store TWICE and had gotten even their confirmation by email that everything was OK. I printed the email so that he could take it with him. When he got back he was furious WITH ME! Nothing had been done in advance and he had to wait for almost an hour for them to prepare our order. He wore a mask and gloves but he was surrounded bu people. I understood that he was angry, upset... but what I didn't get was how on the Earth that was MY fault? As I said, I even printed out the store's confirmation. How could I have known that they hadn't done anything?He was really hurtful and he yelled and yelled... and his anger didn't lose the momentum even after a couple of hours. Even a few days after he talked about how that had been my fault.Afterwards he didn't apologize and he didn't bother to explain why he thought it was my fault. He just said that I hadn't checked well enough.2. Today a friend from the nearby village came by in his car. He didn't even enter our property. He stayed in the car on the road. He just pulled down his window a bit so that he could talk to my husband. There was a 30 meter distance between them. When I went down to say hello, I realized that my husband had locked me in. He didn't want me to go out. He did it without discussing it with me first. I felt so belittled. He treated me like a child. It was really awkward. I lost it. I got out through the window (our friend couldn't see that). It looked as if I had been joining them from the garden. We talked for a while and everything was fine. Out friend was just lonely. He's 62 and usually we hang out together often with him and his wife. So he just wanted to see us, while keeping it safe.The moment he turned on the engine and went down the road, my husband turned into a beast. He wasn't talking to me, he was roaring. He kept insulting me and it lasted for about 20 minutes. I don't know much about fits of rage... but 20 minutes for me is a really long time to be just "in the moment". Then he went upstairs and he is still sulking, two hours later, as I am writing this. He doesn't want to talk and honestly unless he's ready to really talk and be normal, I prefer he didn't talk at all.I don't know what to do . He's behavior IS abusive. I cannot go anywhere. I don't know what I would have done in the normal circumstances. Does being yelled at and locked in justifies calling the police? (I am overreacting? Or am I?). Would I make a scandal, be talk of the village and go and stay with some friends?Please, if you have any advice... I am desperate. I just want him to be normal, respectful. I could take anything else. Him being anxious, depressed, but aggressive towards me is just unacceptable. As I said, the lock in hasn't changed much for us. We live far away from anything and spend the majority of our time together. What did change however, is the whole uncertainty that goes with the pandemics. To be honest, from time to time he does have bouts of anger, but nothing like this. He can't handle stress sometimes and he would always apologize. He can be snappy and difficult to reason with, but he would never insult me and make everything my fault. Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): Calling the police Seema a bit to extreme. I would threaten him with a divorce.
Clearly this man does not love or respect you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 April 2020):
 Just want to point out that the home-made masks are MOSTLY for a "sense of security" when going out for food runs or whatnot. And they are better than nothing.
Since the virus can spread to and from animals, the fabric face-masks are (again) better than nothing, which is why vets use them as there aren't enough of the high grade medical masks (at least not in the US). 4 ply of tightly woven cotton is what is usually suggested. And keeping your distance of 6 feet to other people, supposedly helps too (when out and about).
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OP, I'm glad he is coming to his senses. And think it's was good that you told him enough is enough. Hopefully he will THINK before yelling. If not, just do the simple, I will not argue with you so I'm leaving the room, not much " fun" for him to yell at himself in an empty room.
I hope you can continually work this out and that he stop using anger and lashing out verbally at you. It help no one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): Thank you all so much!
He came to his senses and apologized, BUT, I didn't want to pretend that I was fine, that we were fine...
I told him that I understood his desire to "protect me" (btw he couldn't have stopped me from talking to our neighbor even from the house, but it would have been awkward and YES there is some social pressure even out here. Me not talking to him would have been seen as strange or even worse. The neighbor could have thought that I had been angry or disrespectful.) but that there are other healthy ways that he could do that.
I keep offering to him that I should be the one doing the runs, but he thinks it is less of a risk if he does it. He's not scared for himself. But, with this virus if one family member gets it, all the others will for sure get it from him.
I will try and find someone to confide in. Leaving is NOT an option, not even for a few hours. Our government has introduced such measures that it would have been considered a crime (or whatever the word is). You can leave the house/apartment ONLY if you go to buy necessities (there's a list! you cannot just pop out to buy some biscuits. You can buy them only along with some bread milk, oil, soap... make it look like a week's worth of groceries ;), if you absolutely need to go to the ER or have a previously confirmed appointment with a doctor, if you must go to the pharmacy. Those whose jobs are of vital importance and still work outside home have been issued special permits.
I know how privileged we are, our friends that have been in the (small) apartments for almost a month are going crazy.
I hope you are all staying safe, and just in case (and I hope that it is permitted) I'd like to share with you a few virus-related facts:
- it's so easily transmissible that someone who's a carrier doesn't need to cough or sneeze, breathing is enough
- the virus (even though it's not confirmed that it is always viable) can stay in the air (e.g. a corridor) for a few hours
- the doctors/scientists do not know if those who have recovered from it have developed a full long-term immunity. Today they are still inclined to support the idea that it is NOT the case.
- if you speak German, you will find on the Bundestag's website, in their archive a study that was conducted in 2012 about civil protection, which included several catastrophic scenarios, including water contamination AND a SARS-like virus pandemics. It's an interesting read. SO far they have been right about several points, including the rate of spreading and mortality. You can also find some article in English about this study.
- be ware of the homemade fabric masks, they can give you a false sense of security
Thank you all again for your support!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 April 2020):
 I forgot to add, and this is very important...
If and when he settled down and starts apologizing and explaining his behaviour, resist the urge the press the point home by adding your own thoughts and opinions to it. Maintain a calm quiet and if you do speak, so very little.
Example, my husband used to fly into rages as well, and I used to do what you're doing. I started making some of the changes I recommended for you and left him swinging in the breeze with silence. Because I wasn't adding fuel to the fire, the fire eventually fizzled out and when he did apologize and explain (as he often did), seeking my approval, he then said 'You're probably thinking I'm an asshole and you've heard all this before'. My response was 'Something like that.'
Chasing and trying to reason with him gives him the security of always knowing where he stands with you. Saying little and maintaining a calm, confident, calculating, matter of fact attitude will keep him on his toes.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (8 April 2020):
For things to change in your home and in your life, the first thing that needs to change is you. How you think and how you act.A reasonable discussion is something you have with a reasonable person, while they're being reasonable. It's clearly ineffective with your husband.I recommend a stony silence when he starts this up. Stop explaining and defending yourself. People are least receptive to outside perspective when they're angry, it weakens you by suggesting there is a shred of validity to his accusations and that what he thinks and wants is the most important thing. It also allows him to later recall the event as 'an argument' rather than him abusing you. When his rages are met with complete silence, a cold stony silence, not timid submission, he is more likely to feel foolish.You're in too much of a hurry for things to return 'to normal'. Let him feel the isolation of being outside your grace. Your demeanour should be calm, matter of fact, confident, calculating and totally unapologetic. Day to day, do only what benefits you. Don't make him a cup of tea or coffee, don't make him dinner or wash his clothes and for God's sakes, don't have sex with him. Withdraw the perks of having you and slowly, over a period of weeks, reintroduce some of them, after he has behaved for a long enough period of time.No more sit down discussions, stop trying to engage him. Stop making your lives all about what he wants and how he feels. Think long term and start thinking about what you want your own life, YOUR life, to look like. Be aware of your body language, your posture, your breathing when he's around, or when you're thinking about him. Start reclaiming the space around you for yourself. Remember that there is more than one form of communication besides speaking. Non verbal can be very powerful.Reach out to trusted friends or family, but don't feel the need to tell everyone. You don't want your relationships with others to become all about him, updating them about him, seeking comfort because of him, etc. Also, him locking you in the house when the neighbour came by was not him treating you like a child. I don't believe he was trying to protect you. He wanted space from you and perhaps didn't want you talking to anyone outside the house. If you want to change things for the better between you, you're going to have to re-think how you deal with him and what your priorities are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2020): You can deal with his usual tantrums and ravings of frustration; but if he's locking you away from people and stewing for hours with anger. You need to have the sheriff, or a cop, come by the farm to make sure you're both okay.
Tell them not to behave suspiciously or like you called to report a crime; you want somebody to calm him down, because you're not able to. Make sure they ask to see you to make sure everybody is okay. You shouldn't be shut-away in a remote location with nobody checking on the locals to see that their okay.
He's not apologizing. That's a warning-sign!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2020): You call the local sheriff's office and whisper that you are afraid; and your husband is frightening and upsetting you. Somebody needs to know what's going on. I am totally exhausted with worry and concern over how many women defend these men; and claim their abusive-behavior is so "unusual."
It isn't!!! It was always there, and you are conditioned to it; because many women confuse the aggressive-behavior with "masculinity!" It's a man taking-charge! Even worse, they just dismiss it; because they have no clue what to do about it. How is yelling, screaming, threatening, locking you inside, and blaming you for things you haven't done...normal???
If you are scared, you need to let somebody know things are a little more intimidating than usual. Stop being protective of him; because fearing no consequences, there is nothing to check his increasingly intimidating behavior. If the sheriff happens to stop by for a welfare-check, which they should be doing anyway in rural towns, he'll realize he had better chill his jets a bit. If there is a female-deputy available you can talk to, tell her to come along for the ride. Ask them to call and check-up on you. They are there to keep the peace, or make an arrest if necessary. Better they didn't find you injured, or worse.
You cannot reason with a raging-fool. He is not in his right-mind, and he is becoming increasingly agitated. It's time to talk to a cop, and have somebody available to check on you. He's getting worse, and I think it's better to err on the side of caution; than to let him continue to act strangely. You shouldn't be afraid of your own husband. When it comes down to that, he's dangerous.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 April 2020):
I think you NEED to sit him down and tell him it's unacceptable for him to take his stress, fear, whatever out on you.
That you will not tolerate any more of it. IF he does it again, you will go stay elsewhere.
While I get that some people are VERY fearful about this lock-down/quarantine thing and thus behave a little out of their "normal" behavior, it's obviously not something NEW to him as you mention he has done this before but less frequent and have remove afterwards, whereas now - he just let's it rip and YOU are the only one around so you receive the full force of it.
It's a highly contagious viral pneumonia, that acts a lot like the common flu, at first. Which IS scary. Yes, it spreads faster and easier and can have fatal consequences for those who are already vulnerable. So I ABSOLUTELY get the fear many people have. I however, think that with some common sense it's a LOT less scary than hurricanes or tornadoes and I have been through both of those several times.
If your husband is really very scared, maybe YOU can do the "store-runs" ? It might take some pressure and fear off him. Or simply when he asks you to call and check GIVE him the number so HE can make sure that it's packed and ready. That way, he can't BLAME you for whatever "slight" he perceives when things aren't how he wants them to be.
Him locking you in like a child, well I get why you felt a need to "rebel" and climb out a window but seriously... that is like waving a red flag right in the bulls face. I think if he FELT he was doing his "husbandly job" in keeping you indoors and safe, I can see why he got upset that you went OUT of your way to come outside... TO CHAT. NOT that it excuses his behavior or justify it, but you ALSO could have dealt with it in a more mature and sensible manner. YOU could have told your husband afterwards that you feel quite capable of making the choice to go say hi OR not, that he doesn't NEED to lock you indoors. You know like an ADULT discussion or conversation.
Personally, I have seen my husband go from "lais sez-faire" attitude of "if I get it, I get it" to a more on edge kind of thing. We have a big house so it's easy enough to give each other space when needed. The last few days the kids and I have been gardening, while he has been doing his online courses. But he did yell over something absolutely minor and I told him I would walk away and he can talk to me when he can stop yelling. And well, that worked.
So that is something to consider too. To WALK away when he gets started on yelling. You DO NOT have to stand there and listen to it.
I would also suggest you call your friends, so you get someone to talk to BESIDES him. And maybe suggest HE does the same.
Is it a Police matter that he yells at you? I don't think so, to be honest. Unless it makes you fear for your safety. It hurts your feelings, undoubtedly, but that isn't something the Police can fix. You two have made it for 20 years, maybe what he needs it to hear that YOU will no longer accept that kind of behavior.
And yes, I do think you should consider that perhaps staying there is not the best for you or the marriage. However, I would talk to him first (and NOT during him yelling) I would also tell him that you will from now on WALK away (to another part of the house) EVERY time he start with the yelling, and that you WILL not engage until he is calm and can talk to you in a respectful manner. Covid19 or not, it doesn't GIVE him the "right" to act like a dick to you.
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