A
female
age
36-40,
*ettyBoup
writes:Last night my boyfriend punched me in the mouth. I've left him. He asked me not to leave. But I said I have to be alone right now.It came about after an argument over a male friend of mine. My boyfriend said that my face lit up when my friend arrived at the pub and thought I was happier to see my friend than my boyfriend. Boyfriend got drunk which made him argumentative. I went back to his house and the argument got worse. He wouldn't let me go to sleep, told me to get out. He tried to stop me gathering up my things. I got angry and said some mean things to him and he lost it, and punched my mouth. I was stood next to a wall so my head also hit the wall.I've forgiven him in the past for being angry and nasty to me when drunk because he is lovely when sober and has been a very considerate boyfriend who'd do anything for me. But when he gets drunk, he gets angry.I'm sad because I was enjoying having a boyfriend who treats me nicely. But he's hit me so I can't stay now. I can't pretend it didn't happen.I have been in an abusive relationship before. He also hit me. But he was very controlling and jealous. At least this time it wasn't quite as bad, but he has now crossed the line. But I wonder what I am doing that makes men hit me? It's happened twice now. And it was over jealously because I had male friends. I have never cheated and have had no problems with my previous boyfriends, except for the last 2 relationships. Am I in the wrong for wanting to have male friends? This friend has been there for me since school. I've never slept with him, it is purely platonic. I was happy to see him because he makes me laugh. I asked my boyfriend if he would feel the same if I was happy to see a female friend and the boyfriend said yes, he would also feel upset. Is this normal? Are all men like this? It makes me feel like I would rather stay single so I can spend time with whoever I want to without feeling bad. Did I bring this on myself? It's the second time a boyfriend has hit me. I must be doing something to cause it. Am I just picking the wrong type of man? It takes 2 people to create a relationship dynamic. I must be doing something wrong.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 December 2017):
 I agree with Aunt Honesty, why do you have to meet him again ? Why DID you have to meet him again ? Hadn't you already broken up ? How many times do you need to break up with a person ? I'd think once it's enough !
I think this may give you an idea about why you end up in abusive situation. Because you are too "nice " for your own good, and because you are unwilling / unable to set firm boundaries . You care more about beeing " the good guy " and show how loving, tolerant and understanding you are, than about preserving your physical safety, mental wellbeing and self- respect. Big mistake, and wrong priorities, and when your priorities are wrong , you make wrong choices.
You do not deserve being abused- nobody does- but you let it happen, and you set up the conditions in which it could very possibly happen AGAIN.
Case in point, the current drama. I mean, pardon me ? This guy PUNCHED you in your mouth, and you are still considering taking him back ?? You are still wasting time in talking, and evaluating his sincerity, and pondering the hows and whys ?.... He PUNCHED you in your mouth, !!- who frigging cares about the hows and whys !! Maybe he was drunk, maybe the devil made him do it--- so what ?
You do not " stay friends " with people who beat you up . You do not give second chances to people who beat you up.
You do not even talk to people who beat you up.
In fact, he can call himself lucky that you did not press charges and had his sorry ass dragged in jail. - That's already a big favour you did him, you do not owe him anything else.
Not even the courtesy of a face to face " explanation ".
The time for explanations and heart- to- hearts was over in the moment he threw that punch, because physical violence , no matter if fuelled by alcohol, is the ultimate dealbreaker . Game over.
Maybe you do not see it this way, it does not ring true to you. Ok, fine, you are free to have your own life vision about these matters. But, TBH, then you should not be surprised at all about the recurrence of abusive relationships in your life .
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 December 2017):
 Why do you need to meet up with him to tell him it is over, I mean you already done that so just send him a message tell him you are scared off him now, the damage is done and you don't want anything more to do with him. Then block him from being able to contact him. Get some counselling if you feel the need to talk it out with someone and make sense off all this, but whatever you do please stay strong and keep away from him, I already see signs off weaknesses in your reply and I know it is difficult for you, but you need to remain strong and remind yourself off the abuse you suffered before. You say you have been in happy relationships so you know you can do better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 December 2017):
 While I don't think he would hit you, I would NOT see him at either of your homes for this conversation.
Do you really think you HAVE to meet up to break up? I get that it's a respectful way to end a relationship (to break up in person) but I don't think you OWE him to do it in person. Especially not after the physical reaction, you had when meeting him.
Promises will get neither of you anywhere. So him promising it will NEVER happen again and he will NEVER drink... It sounds good in theory but your personal interactions have been "tainted" (in lack of a better word) by HIS actions. The fact that he doesn't understand HOW it has affected you (and will continue to affect you in the future) will hopefully make it "easier" ( I know it isn't easy) to end it.
The question is, DO you want to meet up in person to end it? OR do you want to call him up and tell him that you just don't see this being something you can move past and that the relationship is now "over" for you? It's your choice.
I think it's fair enough to break up over the phone. I think when a person you love and trust HITS you, they kind of lose the right to "demand" you break up in person.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this at all. And I hope HE will learn from this. I know it won't benefit you but HE can take something away from this break-up and do better.
You can take away that; no, you don't PICK abusive men. For most women (and men) who end up in an abusive relationship, the signs aren't clear from the get-go what can happen. You didn't MAKE him pick fights when drunk, you didn't MAKE him hit you.
BUT if someone can not treat you right both drunk AND sober - he isn't for you. Someone who can't "fight fair" (because let's face it, we all have arguments/disagreements in relationships). What matters is HOW we choose to deal with them.
Your Soon-To-Be-Ex is thinking this is something you two can sweep under the carpet because he PROMISES to not do it again. It's a promise that has no value. the damage is done.
You have to put yourself first. Your safety and sanity.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (18 December 2017):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you Honeypie. You have helped so much. I have no one else to talk to about this as everyone in my life knows him...
I did meet up with him today, briefly. I wanted to see what he would say and how it would feel to see him. It was not good. I felt anxious and nausea. I'm scared of him. I didn't recognize him as the man who I was in love with. It reminded me of the last abusive relationship I was in. But that one I could not get away from. The last one he wouldn't let me leave and I ended up with severe depression and I lost my job. It was awful.
This guy is nowhere near as bad. He does seem to be sorry for what he has done. But he is just concerned with getting back together. He doesn't know how scared and shook up I am. Being yelled at and hit by the person you love and trust hurts, on a primal level. My whole body went into fight or flight mode when I saw him. Even though logically I know he wouldn't hit me in broad daylight. I tried to talk to him but we didn't really have anything to say. He just wanted me to give him one more chance and to carry on like normal. He swore never to drink again so it won't happen again.
I made excuses and left and said that I'd speak to him tomorrow. I know I need to properly end it. It's not healthy anymore. Trying to carry on like it didn't happen is not healthy. Something has definitely changed between us. It feels broken now. I feel like he doesn't respect me and he's just saying all the things I want to hear.
I know I need to end things. Should I do it face to face? In a public place?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2017):
I can understand why you feel the way you do. Getting back "just" for Christmas is not really realistic. If it's over LET it be over.
I think getting back together will only emphasize that what he did was a "mistake" and it leaves open the door to it happening again and again. It wasn't a mistake. It was lack of self-control.
Actions have consequences. He HIT you. You left him.
He doesn't want to "lose" face that is why he wants to meet up. To see if words can make you ignore what he did. Words can't. Saying I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It just doesn't cut it.
If you are NOT ready to deal with it, DO NOT meet up. Tell him you aren't ready to be around him. I think that is fair enough.
As for him quitting the drink, it might help HIM in the future but it doesn't help YOU.
Being drunk doesn't EXCUSE behavior in general. While I absolutely understand that some people really cannot drink because of how it alters the brain chemistry. Hence why some people become a sloppy drunk, an angry drunk, a piss their pants drunk, blackout drunks. It's still not an excuse.
By the time we hit our 30's we KNOW what kind of "drunk" we are, and we KNOW how our dinking affects others. I knew in my 20's that I had issues with drinking - I would drink and blackout/pass out. My body did not react well to alcohol at all. I can have a glass of wine or even 2, but I have chosen to NOT drink at all. No need to add poison (even if it tastes great) to my body.
He has a HISTORY with you of being argumentative, angry, rude, and mean when drunk, YET he didn't stop. Because you stuck it out with him. You tolerated that behavior. My guess is that in his mind it couldn't have been "that" bad if you didn't end it over his drunken behavior. (again this is not blaming you - it's just a way I have seen people rationalize their OWN behaviors).
There is no quick fix here. Even if he went totally dry from now on, the likelihood of him NOT having these episodes - it's not likely. He still HAS these insecurities or needs for control over his partner.
So in short, I would NOT meet up. I would be honest with him and tell him you aren't ready for that.
And it gets to be dangerous territory when you look back at all the NICE things he did thinking that well, 85% of the relationship was good so maybe ending it was a mistake.
Actions have consequences. Think about it.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (17 December 2017):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have heard of a mean drunk, and that does describe him. He has made jokes at my expense, spoken to me in mean ways, not let me go to sleep because he wanted to argue, and has tried to throw me out in the middle of the night, whilst drunk. He has promised he'd stop drinking before because of this, but has continued and it escalated.
As for the male friend issue... It's a matter of trust. I have no desire or intention to sleep with any of my male friends. If they had that intention, it would have come out already, in 20 years. We are adults. We both know where we stand, we have discussed it. It disappoints me to think that I must end friendships I have had for nearly 20 years because I have got into a relationship.
I have been in relationships before where my ex became good friends with my guy friends and we all went out together. I was happy for my ex to have female friends too. I may have felt slightly jealous of them, but I would never get angry at him for talking to other women, even exes, even friends he may have slept with. Because I respected and trusted him. As long as no lines are crossed, it is healthy to be friends with and talk to lots of people, including the opposite sex.
I have not seen my current ex yet. He wants to meet me today. I don't know what to do. I am putting off dealing with this. Part of me is thinking of getting back together for Christmas and see how it goes. Part of me feels like I don't feel the same anymore and it would be awkward spending Christmas together. I am just sad that it's over because between the drunken fights, it was pleasant and comfortable and he treated me better that previous men. He used to give me massages, and cook for me and do anything for me. But I don't know if I will feel comfortable with him now. If he's not drinking at Christmas, people will wonder why. It feels sad to breakup so close to Christmas...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2017): Your decision to leave was right.
Re: Am I in the wrong for wanting to have male friends?
You're free to do as you want. But the truth is your guy friends probably want to sleep with you. Every guy knows that we're willing to sleep with our female friends. Your boyfriends know that. Every boyfriend will handle that differently.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 December 2017):
No, OP you didn't MAKE him do what he did.
Can it be due to PTSD? Sure, but unless he is getting help for it (same with the drinking) what's the point in looking for the REASON he did it? HE made a choice (while intoxicated) to hit you.
I'm sure you have heard the term "mean drunk"? People, who get mean, rude and violent when intoxicated? They do exist. The thing is the SIGNS were there. Someone who will verbally abuse you (drunk or sober) MIGHT also physically abuse you. It's an "almost" natural progression.
As for the whole having to tell the family. Yes, that sucks! This is not something EITHER of you can undo. If you DO continue to see him, it CAN happen again. He can't make a promise to NEVER do that again. Same with the drinking.
The fact that he NEVER considered the verbal abuse as a problem. That he should have QUIT drinking the FIRST time he was angry and mean/rude to you (for no reason at all) but he didn't. He ALLOWED it to escalate.
Him quitting is great (for him) but it's not going to help you. Especially since you don't want to continue. Because if you keep dating him it will be the premise that THIS can happen again. You can't be with someone and walk on eggshells to get be hit again or fear sudden movements from him - just waiting for that other shoe to drop. It's not healthy.
HE fucked this up.
If you are not ready to talk about it with your family, then tell them so. Tell them it's over and what YOU need is to not having to explain it RIGHT NOW. But I do think you should talk to someone you trust.
NO ONE deserves to be punched in the face over a disagreement. OK? You didn't MAKE this happen.
As for him not know WHY he did it... Well, that is something HE needs to work through. If I were you I'd make sure all his belonging are returned and you get any of yours still at his place and then CUT all contact.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (11 December 2017):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, the reason for not leaving immediately was because it had been snowing and I did not want to walk up a snowy, icy hill in the dark to get home. In the end, when I started walking he felt bad, appologized and convinced me to stay the night. I slept, then left.
He has texted me today begging forgiveness and for one more chance. He says he will not drink again. I told him I don't think it's a good idea to stay together after what happened. I feel so disappointed. Part of me wants to give him another chance. But I know that is unwise. I feel conflicted. It is right before the holidays and families are expecting us, meals are booked and paid for, presents bought. I miss him. I am angry with him for behaving that way.
Why have I attracted men that hit me? Do I deserve this? Did I cause them to hit me? If I had behaved differently, would they have treated me differently?
He says he doesn't remember why he hit me, it'll never happen again etc.
He maybe has war ptsd too as he is an ex-soldier. I'm not excusing him, but there must be a reason why he changes when he is drunk, unless he always thinks that way but normally hides it.
Either way. The only way to prevent it is for him to stop drinking, but he said that last time. And how will he explain to people why he isn't drinking at Christmas? I feel so disappointed and let down by some people in my life recently, I feel like moving completely to a new place altogether and starting again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 December 2017):
Yes, I agree you didn't behave EXACTLY like him and I don't BLAME you for reacting (and for calling him a dick - because he was one) the thing is arguing with him won't fix his behavior - leaving is/was your best option. And again, I don't blame you for staying and trying to smooth things over but again that only ENABLES him to continue with the verbal and then physical abuse/outburst.
So please don't think that I'm saying you are JUST like him - all I'm saying is that HE brought out behaviors in you that didn't help you. If you know what I'm getting at here.
Learn from this. It's really all you can do. If a guy can't treat you right DRUNK or SOBER - he goes in the no pile.
Couples can have disagreements and fights... shot they happen. BUT if there is a pattern to it like it happens ONLY when he is drunk, you walk away.
You HAVE to pay attention to the little things too. Not nitpick a partner but be AWARE. I live with a partner (my husband of 20 years) who suffers from wartime PTSD and while he CAN have outbursts and be an ass (I'm sure I can too) I don't make excuses for him. And neither should you for a partner who verbally vomits all over you.
Again, don't presume this is your fault. IT IS NOT. He made the choice to be an ass to you when drunk and HE made the choice to hit you. You didn't MAKE him do either. So please, OP do NOT take "responsibility" for HIS actions.
And while you might GRAVITATE towards a certain type - you (none of us can) cannot predict if he is going to be abusive to you. But you can pay attention to the signs. The controlling behavior, the Jekyll/Hyde, the "apologies" and blaming you in the same heartbeat... (the I would never hit anyone but you made me so angry...
BULLSHIT).
Don't let little things slide, if they show a pattern - again like the verbal abuse when drunk. If he can't control his words when drunk HE needs to quit drinking or be around you when drunk - YET... that may not solve anything. Because WHO he is when drunk is PART of who he is as a person.
YOU deserve a GOOD man who treats you right ALL the time, not just when sober.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (10 December 2017):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice.
The reason I got angry was because he had been having a go at me for most if the night, then when I'd had enough, I tried to go to bed but he wouldn't let me, he wanted to keep arguing, and then he told me to get out, in the snow, in the middle of the night. So I said ok and started to get my things together. I went to get a plastic bag which he grabbed out of my hands, said I couldn't have a plastic bag, still trying to argue with me. So I told him it was over and said he was a dick for throwing me out in the snow. I don't think I delt with the situation in almost the same way as him, I think I was very tolerant. I don't think I could have delt with it differently except for leaving earlier.
You are right that I ignored the red flags. I guess I kept forgiving the drunken arguements because he was really good to me otherwise. He did anything for me and did lots of little thoughtful things to make me feel loved. But when he drinks it's like a switch from Dr Jeckle to Mr Hyde. I guess I have to accept that the nasty side is who he is and that the nice side doesn't make up for the fact he's hit me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 December 2017):
There is nothing wrong with having a male friend or being happy to see them. Your now ex-BF's jealousy is not a sign of great passion or how much he cared - it's a sign of him thinking HE should be the only man that made you smile. That is controlling behavior, another Red Flag.
What I think your issue is, is that you ignore the red flags until things blow up in your face - in this case, a fist in your mouth.
This is a HUGE red flag (and I will quote your post):
"I've forgiven him in the past for being angry and nasty to me when drunk because he is lovely when sober and has been a very considerate boyfriend who'd do anything for me. But when he gets drunk, he gets angry."
If he can not TREAT you right, drunk AND sober he is NOT as good of a guy and you WANT him to be. You ignored the angry and nasty behavior and NOW you got punched.
You can't IGNORE the red flags and then be surprised when he hits you. NOT saying it's your fault you got hit or that you somehow deserved it - because NO...)
BUT you DID make the choice to BE with someone who has been angry and nasty with you. Doesn't MATTER that he was drunk at the time. THAT is not a VALID excuse!! The "drink" made me do it! It's bullshit!
Take some time to examine what attracted you to both men. See if there is a common denominator here. And also have a think about HOW you deal with arguments yourself. You said:" I got angry and said some mean things to him and he lost it" so YOU for angry and nasty RIGHT back at him. YOU sunk to his level. (apart from the hitting).You dealt with it in almost the same manner as him. Can you see that? That's unhealthy and toxic. So while you may say he is OH so nice (when sober) he DOES bring out some negative behaviors in you.
I think you are doing the right thing in NOT dating or seeing this man again.
And yes, it might BE that you gravitate towards a "type" of men. It might be subconsciously done. Which means YOU need in the future is to PAY really good attention, to NOT ignore red flags and to NOT "allow" people to treat you in a nasty manner. Again, being DRUNK is not a valid excuse.
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