A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Basically, one year ago I ended a 3 year relationship with a guy who I figured was cheating on me. I was devastated and I think it has affected me a lot in all my relationships with people. I doubt everything anyone says to me. I recently met a guy he seems very sweet, but I always keep suspecting everything he does. I am totally over that person but I feel like I will never be over the fear of getting cheated on. I overthink like crazy and I really can't help it. I dont know what to do. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2017): I'm going to give you some direct advice. You're young, so you need to be educated about being in charge of your thoughts and emotional-responses.
If you want to be in grown-up relationships, you must be an adult. You must be level-headed and try to think rationally. Not let your insecurities rule over you. Growing cynical about men when you're still so wet behind the ears. You hardly know how to deal with other females, let alone men.
All guys are not cheaters; and all girls aren't faithful little angels, and innocent victims to the exploits of men. Given the right circumstances, we all can slip and act out of character. It's being human. The entire male-gender doesn't get tagged for the actions of one guy out of millions you will never get to meet! You've known a couple guys since you were able date, my estimation being since the age of 16. Seriously, what do you know about men?
Women cry foul about sexist behavior and misogynist rhetoric used against them. Well men get a little tired of being categorized as "dogs" waiting to find a female they can cheat on. There's more to concern yourself about in maintaining a relationship, than whether some guy is going to cheat on you! He has to respect you, treat you with kindness, and show you affection. He can be a total tool and be faithful all day long and 25 years into the future.
You would not like being stereotyped for the behavior of other young women. Cast into a group or category according to what women "usually do." You consider yourself unique, and an individual. You'd want a guy to give you a fair chance to show him who you really are. Love you for who you are. Not based on how he was treated by his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife. You're female, so he should expect you to do such and such?
You would not like to be lumped into a category and labeled an "insecure-female." Insecurity seems to be pretty prevalent behavior these days...shall I decide which gender is most likely to be insecure??? Would I have any right to?!! It would be total unmitigated gall on my part, and sexist! Not to mention stereotyping. Guys have our issues about females as well.
Insecurity turns people into psychos or a major pain in the ass. We can't presume or prejudge people by somebody else we've dealt with before them.
In love and life, you're likely to get hurt a few times. Being in the human race, you're also going to hurt somebody somehow someday. You own responsibility for only what you do. Not judged by other women. Stigmatized and branded for the behavior of others. Never able to earn any trust; because somebody else got to hurt him first. Let alone blamed for what some female you never met did!
Dating takes guts, brains, and good instincts. It takes being able to be bounce-back after rejection, kicking jerks to the curb, and not letting anyone steal anything from you that you don't want to give them. You don't surrender your power to the control of any man, and you don't become a victim after a heartbreak. You bounce back, all the wiser. Cautions, not gun-shy! You should take your time with any guy; but not because insecurity and bitterness has overtaken your common-sense. Take time to heal and reboot before entering a new relationship. Start from a clean slate.
You would prefer to judged based on your own merit, character, and behavior. You are human and subject to making mistakes. Any guy who takes interest in you; takes a risk that you may do something or say something wrong. He shouldn't automatically assume you will; based on his last girlfriend or some female before you.
Learn from your pain. Pain comes before healing. Let it make you tougher and wiser as a woman. Not jaded and insecure.
A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (10 December 2017):
 The issue here is that you live your life with expectations. You EXPECT to find a guy who will sweep you off your feet, love you and never do anything to hurt you. That's what you would LIKE to happen but I'm sure by now you know that life doesn't always give us what we want.The second you let go of expectations is the second your life begins to improve. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't be hopeful for the future or set specific goals you want to gain or accomplish, it's for you to travel along life KNOWING that things MAY not go the way you want and being OK with it or at least being prepared for it.I have a friend at work who lives with all sorts of expectations, one in particular is all the bad experiences she talks about having with customer care reps. at stores, restaurants, pharmacies etc. Most days she has a new story to tell. Every single time one of these reps treats her badly or isn't chipper enough or doesn't smile enough or does offer to carry her bags or doesn't live up to her EXPECTATIONS she loses it to the point of tears....I'm talking hardcore bawling. And it always ends with her calling the manager wherever, either by phone or in person and filing a complaint. I've seen it more than enough times.Your expectations are your fantasies. And when you become sad because of the outcome you didn't want you allow your emotions to take FULL control of you, just like my co-worker. Yes, the next guy you meet could turn out to be a cheater or he might not be. The truth is you don't know, so all you can do is hope for the best and enjoy the time you have with him. No guessing, no knowing, no expectations. You now EXPECT to be cheated on and that may not be the case again. As a matter of fact you could think and accuse your next lover who may not cheat of cheating on you and as a result it could lead to a break up.Let go. It feels great.All the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 December 2017):
 A few things I want to point out here, OP
1. Not EVERY guy will cheat.
2. Not EVERY guy is your ex-BF.
3. YOU didn't "make" your ex-BF cheat on you. HE made that choice. Cheating IS a choice, and not a good one.
3. Punishing EVERY guy for what ONE guy did to you, is not fair. But... while it's unfair the ONLY one you really hurt by doing so, is you. YOU miss out on GOOD guys by presuming they WILL cheat or you can't trust them. If I was dating someone and they didn't trust me, I wouldn't WANT to be with them. That simple.
4. Trust and respect are EARNED not owed. So when you meet someone new not trusting them 100% is normal. But deciding that you CAN'T trust ANYONE at ANY time - it's not helpful to you. Just GO slow. Let him show you that his ACTIONS matches his words.
5. There are no guarantees in life, other than birth and death. So you can not "guard" yourself against other people cheating on you - unless you totally stop dating or wanting relationships, which is unrealistic and over the top.
LEARN from the past instead of letting the past RULE your every thought and action. No one is perfect. But in order to HAVE a happy life you have to look forward, NO over your shoulder. When you have these thoughts that this new guy will cheat on you, you are basically giving that CHEATING ex-BF the power over you. You are letting the ex-BF's actions CONTROL you. Even a year after it ended. Is that HOW you want to live?
You need to stop when you start overthinking things. STOP yourself EVERY time. You can't get into the "what if's" or "when will"... thoughts. When you OBSESS (because that is what you are doing) you need to recognize it, stop the train of thought, snap yourself out of it, redirect your thoughts and let it go. EVERY time. Or you will sabotage something that could be a good and healthy relationship over "negative fantasy scenarios" that may or may NOT happen.
Let me give you an example of WHY you need to work on this.
Let's say you meet a guy who's ex-GF hit him. Would you think it was fair that he now thinks EVERY woman will hit him? That YOU are just waiting to punch him in the face? would YOU want to be compared to that ex-GF?
Think about it and WORK on this.
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