A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Getting right into it...(sorry, it's a long question)I met this guy four months ago through a mutual friend. At first he came off as a bit cocky, but overall, a nice guy.I started seeing him, and things got comfortable pretty quick, (as in we settled into a pattern of spending a lot time together (almost everyday together), going out, cooking dinner together, etc). It seemed great, except for a few feelings I had... He would comment about my clothing or something I was doing that seemed to not matter at all to me...For example, we were going to go ice skating...He drove me to my place so I could change into warmer clothes, and I told him I'd be right back, that my house was a mess and it'd just take me a couple minutes to change. He got offended and upset because he thought I was hiding something to do with another guy because I didn't invite him in. Also, he commented on what I was wearing, (black one piece leotard with a red shirt and skirt over it), the leotard/body stock was crotchless, and I flirtingly showed him when I got back in the car...He said he didn't think I should be wearing that because he didn't want to get 'into fights' with other guys. Just struck me as weird and made me a little uncomfortable. We started arguing pretty early on...a month into it...And over things I can't even remember. He would tell me to leave and then call me the next day as if it were all okay. Then more comments started about my weight and my hair and my clothes. He started being more and more moody.At the beginning of the second month, I thought things were going well...I told him I had feelings for him and would like to see where things went, (he would hint at commiting here and there and talk about moving in together eventually, so I felt I needed to let him know I felt that way). He went on a short trip to work at a show, and when he came back, never called to let me know he was home. I gave him a call the day after he was supposed to be back, and he was very irritated with me, complaining about me babbling when I talked and sounding stupid. I asked him what was wrong, and he blurted out that he had been with his friend that morning who found his mother dead in her car, (commited suicide). Then he bitched me out for not asking how he was, etc, and hung up on me.He then disappeared for a few days, and I was freaked out because he seemed to be close to this guy and his mother...I tried calling, then after a couple days, I went to his place and knocked until he answered his door. I was upset and told him I had been worried because he totally disappeared and none of our friends had heard from him for days.He was nasty to me, acted like I was doing something wrong by caring, and so I just left him alone.Then, on Valentine's day, (after he called me a couple times), I went by to drop off a present for him, and caught him bringing another girl home. I then told him to leave me alone and that I didn't want to see or talk to him.After that, he persistantly tried contacting me everyday for a week, (calling, texting, coming by my house), until I finally said I'd talk to him. He appologized and said that since we weren't in a relationship, we should be free to see others if we wanted. I told him that he knew I cared, and that that hurt me and that I didn't feel I could trust him...Well, things progressed after that, and for awhile, things were better. He didn't see anyone else after that, but things have gotten somewhat abusive. We argue more now, and it seems like it's always my problem, my fault, something I said, or did. He always thinks I'm checking out other guys, have multiple guys who I'm seeing/dating, anyone I call or text he assumes is a guy right away.At one point, he looked through my phone and found texts from a guy who I was friends with and went beserk. He got violent and pushed, choked, restrained me. He claimed I was off having sex with that guy, play with his emotions, etc. He threatened to end it, and all I did was say I was sorry, that that wasn't what happened, and just tried to calm him down.After that happened, I felt like leaving him was the best thing to do, but once again, he kept calling and wanted to talk to me to apologize, etc, and I forgave him. However, we have continued to argue and he has been violent with me several more times. Every time it happens, I leave and ignore him for a few days until he gets to me again and then when we talk, I try again to let things go and be with him. It just seems like there's always a reason why he pushes or grabs me. It's because of the tone of my voice, it's because I was yelling, it's because I say the same thing over and over. I make him 'snap.'If I have an issue, he won't listen for more than a couple minutes, expects me to let it go, and wants to come back to it later. I have seen him try to act better and leave the apartment if he's upset, etc, but he has still gotten physical and at one point, threatened to 'snap my neck.' I feel it's right to leave him, but I feel so much doubt and blame myself for some of our problems...But am starting to feel scared of him and wonder if he'll respect it if I tell him to leave me alone again. And now, he claims I'm his girlfriend, sends people pictures of me, tells his family and friends, etc. He also says that if we argue, I should ignore him for days after because we're in a relationship.I guess I just need some advice from an outside perspective and someone who has been there...This is abuse, isn't it? The best thing to do would be to leave, right? I'm just very confused and don't know what's right or wrong anymore...
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (29 April 2010):
 I think that you should leave. honestly that kind of stuff in a relationship is not healthy. He is a very insecure and is becoming increasingly abrasive and dangerous.
In my extensive, extensive experience with this, I have never seen a guy like this that doesn't abuse severely within the next 6 months.
Break up and tell everyone you are doing it, so they know whats going on.
If you want, you can send me a message and I will gladly talk to you and give you a real 3rd person perpective.
UPDATE!
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 April 2010):
 You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. He has threatened you with violence, used fear, humiliations and verbal assault to control and manipulate you .
If you don't leave, you will be subject to more psychological batterings or violence and it will become more and more vicious after each circle.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (15 April 2010):
 Hmm well it doesnt sound like you have made an official comitment to this guy he is a jealous type the wrong type to play emotional games girls like to play with. i would suggest leaving him or seal the deal.
for nstance tell him his jealousy is out of control etc and the physical thing is a no no
if you like this guy and and want to be with him let him kno straight out so he has no doubts, he should be willing to take steps as wells like counseling his jealousy issues will be a problem.
But i think this guy is dangerous and you should tred carefully but get the hell away from him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): I can tell you from personal experience this is abuse. Physical and emotional. If you stay with him it will more than likely become worse especially if you move in together. My advice would be to cut ties completely. Break it off and do you best not to slip back into his smooth talk. I know its hard but its for the best.
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