A
female
age
36-40,
*adyjaye
writes:I met a guy like jus over a month ago. He's best friends with my friends ex. I slept with him on the first day that we met (we were a bit drunk), I liked him from the get go but I thought that it was just a bit of fun but he said to me that he really likes me.... We ended up staying with them a bit longer than we planned to and me and the guy were getting on great. He told me that he broke up with his ex like 4 months before and he was busy with setting up his new business so he didn't want to rush into a relationship, so I said to him you want us to be bed buddies? He replied that I am his soulmate.... Basically I was the one chasing him i.e. by calling him to see how he is or texting him. I didn't think I was being pushy but he said that I need to "calm down" and that he feels "trapped" but then he says to me he doesnt want me seeing other guys and he's always really jealous especially when guys call me. I went to see him last week (he lives about 3hours away)with another friend of mine and while we were having sex he saw a bruise on my arm and was convinced it was a birth mark. Which he gave me a bit of an arguement about.I've tried to tell him that he's giving me conflicting messages but I don't think he's taking any notice. I think I'm starting to fall for him but I dont think he feels the same. I don't know what to do, shouldn't he want to talk to me? I havent contacted him for about 4 days and he hasn't even contacted. Help!!!
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female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 I have to reply to the anonymous male respondent, all relationships should be close. Granted, people can be too clingy, and maybe they do want different things right now, but I don't think she should accept a relationship with this guy, where she can say "oh he's my boyfriend, but we're not really close". Everyone should be able to expect calls back/texts etc...
But, to you OP, after reading your new response, maybe it would be a good idea to give him his time, seeing as he was just in a long relationship. But, don't keep sleeping with him while you are waiting. Its confusing, and not good for the soul. Maybe the two of you could have a convo and agree to take a break until he is ready to begin a relationship in earnest, and just speak on the phone until that time.
As far as how to approach him, just wait until he contacts you, and let him know that not hearing from him for five days is rough on you. Tell him you aren't trying to make him feel bad, but that you want him to really be your boyfriend, and to behave that way, and you know he isn't ready yet, but you are willing to wait a while until he is. I think he should understand that, its totally reasonable to scale the relationship back to friendship while he figures himself out. You don't want to hang on like you are now, and at the end of his "getting over it" period if he decides he wants a new relationship, but doesn't want it with you, you'll be crushed. Its better to be friends until he's ready to fully pursue something. Plus, it will make you all the more irresistible to him :-) Good luck to you!
A
female
reader, ladyjaye +, writes (29 April 2010):
ladyjaye is verified as being by the original poster of the question maybe i have been a little bit clingy thats why i havent contacted him since saturday nite after i had spent a week with him... but i definately wouldnt want to move in with him in a couple of months!! i lived with my ex of 3 and a half years for nearly a year before we broke up and it wasnt exactly fun and games!! but i was considering moving closer to him, however thats going to be postponed due to him not wanting a proper relationship and finantial struggles (me being in my last year of uni n all the debt that goes with it!!)... however he was happy about the idea of me moving closer when i mentioned it to him. over these last couple of days i took a step back and i realised i have to control myself... he said that he broke up with his ex less than 6months ago so i'm guessing he needs time to breathe as they were together 3 years... i just dont know what to do because i really like him, theres been a few guys that ive liked in the last year but he has really had an effect on me for some strange reason... i dont want to force him into something he's not ready for but i cant wait around for months on end either i just dont know how to approach talking to him about it, any suggestions?!! im used to you meet you like each other and you get together so im a little bit miffed by it all!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): Being too pushy can make you come across as clingy.
If you're on too different levels of commitment, then that will cause problems.
It could be that you're looking for two very different relationships, you seem to want a close one (I sort of expect you to hope to move in with him soonish if things develop.. like a few months) whereas he might be interested in a monogamous 'friend with benefits' relationship maybe. (Not sure he wants monogamous actually, but he's apparently jealous, so.)
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A
female
reader, hpoco +, writes (28 April 2010):
I wondered why you were arguing over a birthmark :-)
I think your plan is good. Wait for him to contact you and make him back up all the things he has said with actual content (phone calls, texts, commitment). He does need to make an effort, and if he fails again, don't wait around for him.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, ladyjaye +, writes (28 April 2010):
ladyjaye is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI meant to say lovebite not birth mark!!! sorry!!! Neway...
thank you for your quick response and knowledge, my sister has given me the same perspective that you have and I think that waiting until he contacts me and speaking to him about how i feel will be the way forward... its true he isnt making enough effort, well not enough for me and I aint gonna put up with it....
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A
female
reader, hpoco +, writes (28 April 2010):
If you were really his soul-mate, then yes, he should want to talk to you. It sounds like this all happened very fast and blew up to an enormous size unintentionally. Maybe you need to deflate the whole thing and gain some perspective on the relationship. I wonder what else is going on in your life, because you seem too quick to believe the things he says. Some guys enjoying being demonstrative with affection (saying how much they like you, acting jealous), but only when it suits them. He might just find your reaction to his romantic gestures gratifying, without really having the emotional connection or desire to make those gestures mean something. Tell him in the future to keep his jealousy and his flowery words to himself and instead to return your phone calls and make you his girlfriend if he actually likes you that much. If he ignores that, and keeps trying to confuse you, make things simple for yourself by moving on. Good luck...
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A
male
reader, mr antonio  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 i thing the mystery of him wanting you is makin you interested its up to you if you want this in your life,to me sounds like confusion and emotional stress,sounds like he wants the prize without runnin the race,its up toyou if you want full time or part time from him if you want full time let him know,if he says no then move on and dont blame yourself all emotional wounds heal over time,take it from me ive been a slave of that same emotion,,dont ever forget theres always time and theres others out there
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