A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have been living together with my boyfriend for 7 years now, we are engaged, he's very naive and always try to cheer people up if they look upset especially his female friends.. One of them is his step cousin, his step Dad brother's wife niece (not related). I met her before one Christmas she never say Hello to me or even look my way, she called my fiancé all the time to talk.....but the weird thing is they never talk whenever they see each other. My fiance's sister told me she's a weirdo but she seems nice to me. After they left she called the next day to talk to him for like 3 hours. later she called again when he gets off work and even called to say goodnight. this was a little too much for me and weird, I checked our email and theres an email from her to him nothing flirty just talking about her favorite food and her boyfriend is a douche, before last March she called him and ask him if he can pick her up from Dallas she really wanted to go see the rodeo she never went before and her boyfriend is too busy to take her...so he tells her yes. She called later on to chat he was in the shower and he told me to answer his phone and tell her he's gonna call back so I answer it say Hello 3 times than she hang up on me, 30 minutes later she called again I told my fiancé I want to answer it...she hang up on my face again when I said Hello for the 2nd time...at first I was OK with his driving 5 hours picking her up but this really pisses me off...he looked at me and apologized saying maybe she got bad connection?? I told him I can tell bad connection from hanging up!! this was 11:00pm. She called on the next morning he answer the phone and whaalaaa she didn't hang up again, what makes me really angry he refuse to politely ask her why she hangs up on me he's afraid its going to hurt her feelings....just for that I told him NO RODEO for her she's rude and disrespected me how dare she, and besides gas is too expensive we can use that $$$ to go on a date that day I'll call in sick from work. At first he was a little aggravated but he get over it quick, the problem here is his step dad.. brother's wife....her aunty start drama about how mean he is for making plans with her niece and tell her NO at the last minute and he don't have balls to talk back to her, I wanted to say something but I don't know what to say to her cause no matter what she's going to side with her innocent niece, did I over reacted? sometimes I think I was but sometimes I think I made the right choice cause she dislike me for NO REASON..
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 May 2013):
 Btw, all of my boyfriends have been like this, thinking "me", whereas all my girlfriends are like me and think "us". So I'm convinced this isn't about the guy not loving you or anything, it's just how guys are. It doesn't come natural for them to consider their girlfriends first, before they accept or object to anything. Of course, there are some exceptions (I know of one guy). But it is still so typical of men.
Ask any guy if he wants free concert tickets, and then see how many says "let me call and check with my girlfriend first" before he says yes or no. Ask any girl the same and all the girls will be checking with their boyfriends first. I know this because every time I invite a girlfriend to do anything with me they always check with their boyfriends first....
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 May 2013):
This sounds like a mess. And I can understand you completely, because my boyfriend also has a very very hard time saying no to people. He'll get a call in the middle of the night asking him to drive someone somewhere and he'll do it. He says he wont, but I know he has. One time he picked up some girls hitch hiking and gave them his number and volunteered to chauffeur them around all weekend. Complete strangers. And just here the other day he gave away 100NOK (about 20 dollars) to a random guy at the subway because the guys asked if he could change his bill and he couldn't, so just gave him the money instead.
So I know how you feel. Your boyfriend probably told you that it shouldn't be your business because HE can pay for gas with HIS money, or it is him spending the 5 hours driving so why should you be bothered. That's how guys think, it seems. I've encountered this so many times, they don't think of the relationship. They only think of themselves. Guys think about "I", while girls think about "us". That's why he agreed to drive for 5 hours thinking it would only concern him, whereas you know it causes a problem in your relationship, and that money should be spent on a date for the two of you instead. If you thought like him, you'd rather have suggested that you take all of the gas money and go buy yourself a new dress for it. Why not. It's not like his choice on how to spend it was any more oriented towards the two of you as a couple.
I think you need to stick to it, you're in the right. But it is going to be difficult to explain this to your boyfriend, because his way to rationalize is very different from yours.
What me and my boyfriend have to do in cases like these is to have a long debate where I tell him what is "normal" and not (not normal to chauffeur strangers around all weekend), and then tell him how that affects our relationship. And then tell him what I prefer him to do in these situations, and then hear what he has to say and then compromise. But it takes ages, and we have to go through the same debate every time it happens, because in his mind he can't see the connection between the things. Like, even if your boyfriend understands why he shouldn't drive 5 hours to go on a date with this girl, the next time she asks him something crazy he'll probably just say yes again and not understand that it's still a problem.
If you're in a relationship with a man like this I think it is best to be very firm and very clear about where the line goes. And make it clear that this rule doesn't just go for this one case, but for all cases like it. But most importantly, you need to agree on that it is okay for you to speak up when you are uncomfortable about something, and that he also needs to listen and to respect what you feel, and take it seriously. He's not single, he can't just do whatever he pleases, because it will affect you. He needs to take you into consideration.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 May 2013):
 Yes and no.
You UNDERreacted at the beginning, when your bf accepted to drive 5 hours to , basically, take on a date ... his' stepdad's brother's wife's niece. I mean come on , this is a BIG favour, a favour I would not have asked to my own dad.
I have to go to a wedding next month, would you please fly over your bf to be my date ? No ? it's ridicolous that I even ask ? Not much more than her asking what she did, and your bf accepting. You should have put your foot down then, and said " Whaaat? ".
But, once he HAS , with your blessing, accepted and taken upon himself this committment, a promise is a promise and it was most rude breaking it at the last minute. As the other poster says, ten times worse than what she did.
So she hung up on you . Rude, but no need for drama. You, or your bf, could have called her back and said, "did you just call ? need anything ?". The girl has the reputation of being a weirdo, maybe she is socially awkward, maybe she was just taken aback on hearing a female voice answering your bf's phone, maybe she just wanted to talk to him but not to you , whatever- still rude, very rude, I agree- but still not such a crime of lese majesty to punish her with breaking her plans last minute.
Also because the real reason was not to teach her manners, or because gas is expensive ( gas costed the same when your bf said he'd take her , I guess ) but because you are jealous and suspicious. With or without cause, I don't know ( I think without ) but you should have settled that with the bf, and told him you don't appreciate him having long intimate talks with her etc.etc, not taking it out on the girl. If she is flirting and crossing boundaries - it means there's someone who's LETTING her. It takes two hands to clap.
So, now, your bf is in trouble with his Aunt, and won't stand up to her . Are you really surprised ?
First he said yes to the girl , even if he did not have to.
Then you arrive, nix the plan that he had committed himself to, and he says Ok darling.
Then the Aunty arrives all in a huff and.... can't you see a pattern here ?
Apparently your bf just hates conflict and can't say no to anybody. He is a people pleaser and that's a trait of character that often , as you have seen, creates complications.
But , I don't think you can fault the weirdo phone hanging girl for that...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): No I am sorry, but you were not right. It was rude, but then your over-reaction and arrogant view forced your naive boyfriend be rude and cancel plans at the last second, which honestly is a lot more rude than her hanging up on you. She didn't call to speak to you, she doesn't like you, and step-family is still family. Instead of forcing your boyfriend to be rude by cancelling plans the last second and forcing him to take you on a date (it would be the last date my partner would be on with me if he did that to me). If she called the house phone fair enough, but if it was his cell phone, then she has no reason to expect you to answer, and she has no reason to talk to you. How about trying to teach him that he is capable of making his own choices and talking to him about how you feel about things and respecting the choice he makes, rather than making the decisions for him. Each time you do this to him, your reinforcing that you do not trust him to do what is right and undermining his self-confidence. You already say he is naive, help him instead of controlling him and he will then be able to say no to people, but then he will also be able to say no to you too, which will be a good thing too (for him at least). Your post reads about you "told" him or you "forced" him, you are his girlfriend, his equal and you should work together, that does not mean you tell him or force him to do anything. I hope he does find the "balls" as you put it, if he does do not be surprised if you end up single though. I do not doubt you love him, I do however think that in your attempts to protect your relationship and to protect him, your doing exactly what everyone has done to him to keep him from standing up to them, and he does not need that. I had trouble standing up to people like your boyfriend has and I had a partner who acted that way with me, it made me worse, when I finally made a friend who was supportive and not controlling me, I stood up for myself and the boyfriend was the first to go. I am not saying this to be mean to you, I am saying this to help you see that what your doing is what everyone has always done to him and is part of the reason he has trouble standing up for himself. Either ask him not to do these things and then respect his decision, it won't be easy and yes he will make the wrong choice sometimes, but over time his self-esteem will build up and he will cherish you for the help he truly needs rather than the help your currently giving him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): I would never hang-up on a person significant other. It's plain rude.
And no, you did not over-react in the slightest. You were in the total right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): Just personally if I called a male friend an his girlfriend kept answering I would hang up as well. She didn't call to speak to you and if your answering your boyfriends phone (unless it's a home phone you share) she would have known you were jealous and looking for drama. Fair enough it was rude but she didn't want to speak to you. She doesn't like you and you can't really change that. Other will have another opinion but that's mine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): No, you didn't. Your husband needs to cut all contact with this girl - she obviously has a crush on him, is acting inappropriately and is very disrespectful.
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