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*onin
writes: My wife and I are seperated, but going to counselling to try to sort things out. She has found the last two sessions very upsetting, and will not go back to that counsellor. The upsets are more to do with herself,(ie how she sees things/reacts to them,)than our marriage, though it is related.I can see what the counsellor is trying to get at, but can understand some of what is upsetting her as well. So, is finding another counsellor a viable option ?Any help, comments gratefully recieved. I can explain in more detail, if people want to know ( and if allowed ) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (26 June 2006):
 It sounds like that counselor needs a counselor! Definitely look for another one. Counselors/therapists are people and therefore do not mesh with everybody. Good luck with your next one!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2006): It sounds like your wife may be having problems accepting her own problems and issues. I would recommend before you continue any more counseling she should seek some of her own individual counseling, preferably from a woman like herself. I am not knocking male counselers, but sometimes women can relate better to each other and perhaps she needs another trained female counselor to help gain some clarity with her own individual problems. Your wife may feel more comfortable with this situation. I'm getting the sense she hasn't been able to feel safe and fully open up to your marriage counselor. Perhaps afterwards, you can both take up where you left off.
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female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (25 June 2006):
 Hmm....well, I am no expert and I most certainly haven't had training in the councelling industry BUT my instinct is telling me something here. Why would a qualified councellor tell you that your wife is basically not fit for councelling? I mean, where else is she supposed to go, who else can she turn to if not to a qualified therapist?! I would get a second opinion if I were you... xxx
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male
reader, ronin +, writes (25 June 2006):
ronin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust too clarify a bit more, i have spoken to the counselor, he is of the opinion that my wife is not ready /willing to have counseling,as she has issues that only she can resolve ( this is true,as you can only change yourself ) and that he would not recomend the service/provider to make a change in counsellor.
i think he is suggesting that she is not up to the challenges that councelling brings,
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female
reader, matron +, writes (25 June 2006):
 Hi i think that getting upset is part of the process of facing problems and the next step is learning how to deal with them. It sounds like you are heading in the right direction although your wife obviously doesn't, but dont give up on this counsellor talk to them and express your feelings re:as laid out in your problem and i'm sure she will reassure you that all is going well.
The saying that 'the truth hurts' is very true and being faced with problems that you've tried to bury in the sand is a painful process but i'm sure you and your wife will come out the other end stronger and honest in your decision making regarding your future together or apart.
If however after a few weeks if you still have doubts about your therapist see your GP who will recommend a qualified and experienced therapist and give that a go.
All the very best of luck to you both x
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female
reader, hannieseds +, writes (25 June 2006):
Hi there,
Congratulations for making the extra committment to getting the wee bit of help you need in making your marriage all that it could be as it is not an easy step to take. I'm not married but my partner and I have been to councelling together before and the first lady we went to I just wasn't 'clicking' with. She made me very upset, although I know she was only probably trying to help, but I talked to my partner about it and we agreed that if we wanted to get the best out of our sessions (and our hard-earned money!) we would find someone else. We did and it was the best thing we could have done!
Not all councellors work in the same ways, as you probably know so do not at all be worried that this first choice didn't work for the both of you. You HAVE to find someone that your wife feels completely comfortable opening up to, because that is ultimately what you're trying to achieve. You need to find a person that allows this and for the common ground to be a caring and non-upsetting (as much as it can be) place for the both of you.
It's great that you can see where the councellor and your wife are coming from - you sound like a very intelligent, caring man so I think it is up to you to scout the market and look for a new councellor. The way it works here in New Zealand is that you can call up lots of places and ask what the councellor's style is and what they specialise in, as they all have their strengths & weaknesses like the rest of us! So find out what they're strengths are and look at what you and your wife want to get out of your sessions and work from there.
The very best of luck for everything and please let me know how things work out as I would love to be of more help if I can! xxx
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