A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been married for nearly 15 years. My wife has basically decided that she will no longer perform oral sex on me. It's not like I was getting once a week, in fact once every two years is more like the current rate. When we first married, it was something she would do for me and she never claimed that she didn't enjoy doing it.I am very to happy to reciprocate- I enjoy giving oral sex, and she enjoys recieving it, but she started refusing it some time ago, I know now that this was so that she wouldn't 'have to return the favour.'It bothers me, a lot. We've talked about it, argued about it. She admitted she never liked doing it. We had a pretty intense talk about it where I said it's understandable if she doesn't like it, but she knew it's something I really like. She basically lied in the past. I explained I think it's not fair that she has decided I should never have oral sex again without any conversation before. Even the subject of me going elsewhere for oral sex came up, but apparently she hates the idea of doing it do me and the idea of someone else doing it to me.This is a bit of a controlling mentality in my opinion- yes it's her right to change her mind, but that's not what's happened here, she led me to believe something that wasn't entirely true.My sex life is important to me, and hers was important to me too, but now I'm in a situation where I don't want to end the marriage over BJs, but it's something that bothers me very much.What can I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017): My first response to your plight is to suggest couples counseling; I think you are in the right and perhaps a third party could convince her to compromise.
I'm surprised that a lot of people on this site seem to have missed out on the fact that oral sex is pretty much a given in sexual relationships these days.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2017): OP hereThanks for the responses and advice. Those of you that say I should get over it, I would love to- but it's not that simple. As a 'modern' man, and very shy, I grew up believing that sex between a married couple in a long term relationship is worth waiting for- now I'm finding out that's not really the case. And yes, it's just one sex act, but I guess the sex overall is diminishing- she is less interesting in pleasing me sexually, the BJ's have become the main focus. And don't think I'm being selfish- yes, this issue is entirely about my feelings, but I love sex and enjoy pleasing my wife in the bedroom, to me good sex for both partners is not just important, but good fun!Thanks to everyone who mirrored my feelings, I'm glad to hear people of both sexes agree- this might focus on oral sex, but it's deomstrating a bigger issue. I want to make it clear that oral sex was something she used to do without complaint (not very often, but I'm not greedy!) and there was no suggestion that she would prefer not to. She has said that the idea of what she is doing disgusts her. This sentiment is new, or at least she's only started saying it, and seems to be transfering over to sex in general.I want to clarify one thing I said that some responders focused on- the suggestion that I get BJs elsewhere. We have talked about the fact she's not willing to to perform oral sex on numerous occasions, sometimes in arguement, sometimes not. In the discussion of how to resolve the issue, the suggestion of me 'sourcing out' came up- not from me- but my wife is, understandably, opposed. Of course I would always prefer to get it from my wife!As the previous responder said, if this was the other way round, women would rally around my wife advising her to go get what she deserves and that I was being selfish not going down on her. As far as I'm concerned, it should be the same the other way round. (thanks to the females who sided with me!)I need to talk with my wife again but previous attempts to resolve have not led to any result- by which I don't mean she instantly gets down to her knees- I mean she says no and that's the end of it.Thanks again folks!
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A
male
reader, marianox  +, writes (22 January 2017):
Absolutely unacceptable. It could be like someone below has said. Feelings toward you have changed. I know that it is difficult to walk away if there are goods or children in the middle. My advise: look for other women willing to perform oral sex, it is her fault anyway.
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A
male
reader, marianox +, writes (22 January 2017):
Absolutely unacceptable. It could be like someone below has said. Feelings toward you have changed. I know that it is difficult to walk away if there are goods or children in the middle. My advise: look for other women willing to perform oral sex, it is her fault anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): I am a female, yet I totally disagree with the other people saying this is just about your ego.
No it is not. It is about one of the 2 most fundamental sex acts (sex and oral sex). When you marry, you essentially agree to take care of a partner's sexual needs for the rest of their life. That's why a celibate marriage can be annulled. If she had been clear about it from the start, that would be different, but she misled you.
I for one would find it very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who was disgusted by this act, I would take it that they had serious issues with the human body. You need to figure out why she refuses- is it that she finds it uncomfortable with jaw soreness- in this case she wouldn't have to take all of you in...or is it that she is grossed out by the whole thing? Couldn't you find ways to make it more palatable (ha!) as others have suggested?
I find it totally selfish of your wife that she isn't even open to trying to pleasure you. If she continues to be this uncompromising I would make it very clear that your marriage is in serious trouble if she doesn't take steps to be more giving, at least some of the time.
try to talk to her and get her to compromise.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 I agree with the ANON female 3.
I'm absolutely mind blown people are saying shes sticking up for herself. It's her choice of course and she shouldnt be forced into it but for her to say NO MORE to BJs-----theres something else going on and its much deeper than not giving you a BJ.
When two people marry, its because we found someone who makes us happy and we want to make them happy. There is compatibility and love, and mutual agreement on some things. Or at least thats what we hope for when people chose to marry each other but you were getting oral sex for 15 years. She must have enjoyed it or loved you enough to want to satisfy you. So the only conclusion here is that her feelings have changed towards you
People change during marriage and so does their feelings. When women are in love and want a satisfied partner, they are pleasers in bed. I think her pulling away oral sex is a stepping stone to something bigger, shes pulling away emotionally and physically. Shes probably no longer interested in making you happy. There could be numerous reasons: fights that happen outside of bedroom, taking care of kids, stressful jobs, losing attraction to you due to no date nights/etc., loss of self esteem, depression, lack of energy, expectations that are not being met, staying silent instead of voicing her own concerns etc.
I think you should seek counseling with her. I think people here wouldnt be so quick to applaud if it was a woman who stated shes unhappy her husband of 15 years will no longer perform oral on her or use toys on her( or even have penetration). The results are loss of self esteem, joy, and frustration on her part. People would tell her to try to be more seductive or seek counseling or even tell her to assume he is cheating elsewhere, etc but if a man voices his frustration over a BJ, his feelings are dismissed, considered immature and disgusting.
Man or woman, your sexual desires matter. Seek counseling together, talk things thru or consider taking a break to gain clarity of what you want whether that is staying together or separating.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (19 January 2017):
What is the rest of your sex life like? Active, so so, or once every blue moon?
There could be one two reasons that I have notice over my years on this side of the Earth.
1) Let's put it out there...Cheating...If one partner is getting their satisfaction elsewhere, then the do not need it at home...So unless there have been sudden drastic changes, I would stay away from this idea.
2) Boredom...Believe it or not...women do get bored with the same day in, day out sex routine. She gives you oral, you give her oral...blah blah blah. She already knows what to expect. She give, you give...after awhile...why bother. Milk is good on it's own, but put an Oreo cookie with it, and now you have a sparkle in the eye.
I am not sure how open minded you are, but you should find out how open minded she is. Maybe she wants to try things you have no idea about, and has never given her reason to explore those ideas.
You should know your wife better than you know yourself.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 According to most guys I know that are married. BJs go the way of the dinosaur after about a year or two of marriage. They seemingly don't need to PROVE their commitment to anyone and revert to being the innocent young image they have of themselves. Any husband getting BJs after one year of a relationship is one lucky dude.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): What is it about a lack of BJ that bothers you soooo much you are considering going elsewhere. Seriously? It is one type of sex act. Don't you think you can find a different way of getting the same sensation. Sex toys? I think this is about your loss of control over your wife. Stop making her feel bad. Her guilt or shame is NOT gonna help your sex life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): Standing her ground, WiseOwl?
Huh?
Look, she performed oral sex on him in the beginning and did it with more frequency albeit not enough even then. But she DID it. And he was under the impression she was fine doing it. Why would she if she hated it? And then she changed her game after many years married. This happens a lot. Is that FAIR to HIM? And it is very conniving and controlling of HER to not want to receive oral sex altogether from her husband so that she did not have to reciprocate.
This is the problem with many women who stay married. They lose interest in sex and their husbands are sex starved but at that point they are married and trapped in that commitment as by then they have a family, finances, and a life built together. So, men suffer in silence. It happens a lot. In the beginning, she was a sex Goddess. She did all kinds of wild and crazy things for him but then after she had a kid or two or three, her focus shifted. Now, it is natural for things to shift in a relationship. However, to throw something by the wayside completely is wrong. And this is at the root of the problem. There is no room for compromise. Sex stops altogether. No more sexy lingerie, no more role playing, she's too tired, she has a headache... on and on... Women need to accept responsibility for such actions. People change too much. And one is left wondering what happened? If women took care of their husband's sexual desires better, men would NOT stray nearly as much as they do! But women think they have them roped in. And trapped. This is not fair. It is like they do their best to rope him in and once they have him, they completely change. In order to keep a relationship alive, you must do all the things you did IN THE BEGINNING. Do not take things for granted or each other for granted. The wife is taking the husband FOR GRANTED. She just gave up on him.
Standing her ground? She misrepresented herself and now is showing her true colours. She should have told him in the beginning she hated blow jobs and let him decide if he could live with that. Instead, she pretended to like them and did them to appease him. But as she got more comfortable in the marriage, and started to take him for granted and realized that she has him where she wants him, she changed. She does not even try anymore to appease him. She has dropped the charade due to comfort and familiarity.
Women hold the cards with sex. They manipulate men with sex or lack of. All the time. That is not fair. This man is being manipulated in some way. She is holding the no oral sex card over his head for some reason. And it is being selfish on her part. Why does she even need to stand her ground? It is her duty to please her husband sexually and vise versa. So many sexual problems could be avoided if people weren't such PRUDES and were willing to do something to PLEASE their partner even if it isn't their cup of tea! Even if she did it once a week. Is that too much to ask? NO, it is NOT. You would think if she loved her husband, she would be willing to compromise instead of cut him off cold turkey!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): Seriously, people are suggesting divorce - ending the marriage over BJs? SMH. Work it out. Reach a middle ground. Try new things that you both can enjoy. And grow up, you're old enough to see that you're only throwing a tantrum here. Did she say no to sex altogether? No,simply to ONE sex act. So suck it up, work it out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): Sir, seriously?!! Why would you want to continue doing something your wife has told you she never liked? She was a trooper. She apparently has spoiled you, and now it's become a battle of wills.
I guess because she doesn't want to do it; you want it all the more. I think it goes beyond the pleasure, and it's now a matter of ego and control.
Now focus on her pleasure. You may get rewarded in many different ways.
People come to a stalemate for a reason. Usually when they've been pushed to the brink, have surrendered or submitted to someone for the last time, or now this is the last straw.
Get it in your head, she has never liked it!!! The sad part is, you don't care!
What's the point if a sexual-act doesn't please everyone? There should be no intense conversations about doing something you hate doing. That's actually coercion. You're insisting she do it; when she is adamant she doesn't like doing it.
She's standing her ground. Good for her!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): I think she has to be made to understand just how important it is to you (and most men, actually most people). Show her this thread. Explain your marriage is truly in a crisis because your needs are not being fulfilled. You need to get counselling and find out why she is disgusted by a basic sex act. If she refuses, I would seriously consider leaving.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 January 2017):
 So it was bait and very slow switch. and you would be perfectly justified in filing for divorce over this. it won't get you out of paying support in whatever way you are liable for in your area, but it would give you a second chance to find a more honest woman. Note: a Chance nor a guarantee. I figure you are no less likely to fall for the same lies and deception as before.
Before you start that there are 2 conversations you should have with your Wife. You should get answers that you believe. First question you need an answer to is, Is there anything else that you do for me that you are planning to stop doing? Is there anything else that you hate that much? And The Next question you should ask is, Is there anything that I am doing for you that I don't enjoy that you could live without? Some examples could be working Full time instead of Part Time. Flowers , Gifts, Date nights, visiting her Parents/family. Anything that you find difficult or onerous.
While you cannot negotiate someone into performing a sexual favor that they don't want to do, That would be sexual harassment, or Rape, you may be able to find a middle ground that you both can live with.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): I agree with N91.Here is how it could end up.Your wife refuses blow jobs. You try to live with it because you "love" her. You feel there is no choice. Days, weeks, months, years go by. And you are still grinning and bearing it. All the while you grow more and more resentful of her. And it drives a wedge. Deeper every day. One day, you happen to meet a woman who catches your eye. You try so hard to suppress your attraction but you are vulnerable. Vulnerable because your wife isn't meeting your needs. You feel discarded and lonely and alone in your marriage. You are in desperate need of human affection. Of having those supressed needs met. This woman is attracted to you too. And you cross that line. And she WILL give you blow jobs. So, you keep going back for more while settling for the comfort of your married life. The affair will allow you to tolerate your miserable situation at home. But how long can that go on til everything collapses? It always does. It is just a matter of time. So, what happens is that your issues just go unaddressed. Swept under the rug for an easy, band aid solution. Instant gratification. Nobody likes to put in the work, especially when they feel defeated and in a no win situation. They would rather escape and not think about it. Enjoy the moment and not think about consequences because it feels so good, especially when they have been in a drought for so long. But hard choices must be made or an affair is a very real possibility. I know this from experience. In the end, it just destroys your marriage anyway. So, if there is any love there, you will need to try to work this out before you go down that road of temptation. We are all vulnerable under the right circumstances. And none of us ever means for it to happen. But it does.Unfortunately, incompatible sexual needs are a big problem in any relationship. It is even worse when years down the road a wife stops wanting to have sex altogether. Or stops meeting her husband's sexual needs when she used to. I do not agree with this. I think it is selfish on her part. To be quite honest, I love giving my boyfriend blow jobs. To watch every moment of enjoyment on his face and the grand finale is priceless. I don't get how any woman could not want to do that for her man. Beyond me. She has gotten lazy and complacent and in my opinion, is not as turned on physically as she used to be. I am wondering what is going on with her? Has she emotionally disconnected with you for any reason? Does she have some problems in her life? Self esteem issues? Depression? Weight gain? Stress? What is your relationship like, OP? Is there less communication? Are you arguing a lot? Is her stopping the BJ's her way of getting back at you for something? Is she resentful towards you for any reason? Maybe you could provide more information. As I see it, you need to maybe enlist the help of counselling, both of you. This situation that bothers you very much is only going to get worse and worse. As I said, you are going to resent her for it. And it will come out in your behaviour towards her. And the resentment will erode your relationship in time. Is that how you want to live? You will never be happy with this. Why live a lie? Why put up with it when you don't have to? Yes, there are choices here. Marriage is not a life sentence if you are not completely happy. There ARE other women out there who can take care of all your needs and be happy doing so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): I do think that it is unfair of your wife to simply announce that you will no longer receive bjs. However, you suggesting that the other choice is that you will cheat on her is equally disturbing- giving her an ultimatum will not help, nor will making her feel unloved as indicating you will easily cheat. I think you need to take a step back and try to have a calm conversation about it, preferably with a counselor or sex counselor present for guidance. BJs are usually part of a reciprocal sexual arrangement and demonstrate love. Most women do not enjoy giving them, as they are uncomfortable, but will do so because they love their partner. If your wife really persists in being so selfish without seeing your point of view at all, maybe you should consider separation. I think you two really do need to go to counseling and sex counselling as this is a critical issue to work out. She may learn to enjoy them, and that IS a choice. There are ways she can psych herself up to do them!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): Have you tried asking her why she doesn't like it? If it's because she doesn't want to swallow then she could just finish off another way. Maybe she thinks it's dirty so doing it in the shower or after a shower would be ok.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (18 January 2017):
 From a personal perspective, oral sex is only worth having if the giver really wants to give. Otherwise it's just a mechanical act. Given that she doesn't want to give, you either accept it or end the marriage. For me, it's a lovely thing to receive but it's not a deal breaker! People change during a marriage and sometimes you just have to accept that change if the marriage is to continue.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): Even though she is your wife she is at liberty to decide she doesn't like something. Going on at her that you miss it, and even bringing up getting it elsewhere, is pretty disrespectful. She doesn't want to do it, any efforts from you to convince her otherwise just seems lke a lack of respect for her and her choices. No is no.
If it means so much to you, it seems that you're option is to leave your wife and find someone else. Or you can understand that people can change their preferences and their mind over things. It could be for any reason, she might feel you appreciate the act more than her doing it for you, maybe she just thought that as her husband you would be understanding that she doesn't want to do it any more.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 January 2017):
 Nothing.
She doesn't want to do it anymore. If a blowjob means that much to you it seems like you'll have to divorce your wife and find a partner than will fulfill your sexual needs.
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