A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've had this friend for two years. We get along well and have a lot in common. Last year we had met up with another mutual friend and were talking about dating. He had stated that relationships are just not for him and that he just can't do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I never pushed it, nor did I ever come onto him, even though I've always had a crush on him. (When we first met he had a girlfriend, that he was already have troubles with). Anyway, fast forward 2 months later, I was taking a lesson from him on how to use a recording program (we're both musicians), and we just really clicked. The following day he wanted to see me, so I came over and watched a movie with him. I could tell he was trying to get closer but I didn't budge. We decided to start having movie nights...but on the forth movie night...I seriously couldn't resist him and we finally kissed and made out. After he got really awkward and he said, 'remember how I told you I can't do the relationship thing?'. And then I said..."you only like me as a friend" and then he said "If I was at a different time in my life I would probably like you more than just a friend". Honestly, I didn't care...I really liked him. we hung out again and he wanted to talk about things before we got physical. He's older..he's 27 and I'm 22 (virgin, except he didn't know at the time). He told me that he thinks I would want a relationship, and he just can't do it. He says he needs a lot of time alone, and he IS capable of detaching his emotions from physical intimacy. So I agreed to it...and we didn't do anything. But my feelings for him were still there...and are still here. A month later I see him at his show and I ended up staying with him that night. We were really close to having sex but we didn't. In fact, he was the one who initiated everything. But of course I wouldn't stop it either. I finally told him I wasn't as comfortable with him yet. Fast forward another month, I see him to practice a song for a performance and I feel like we just really click, except I also feel him trying to rush me out of his place and not making much eye contact with me. By the end, I couldn't stop myself and I just told him..."I don't want to leave, I want to stay here with you". I didn't mean, have sex with him right then and there, but just to stay with him. He just and grabbed me and held me and said "I can't do this..." And Then I questioned whether or not he liked me and he said that he does but just not in a relationship and I said back "You don't like any woman for a relationship right now" and he said ..."Thats true". But he just kept saying that he didn't want to hurt me. But then again...I have never felt such a strong urge to have sex with someone in my life. For 7 months, I have only desired him..and i feel like he would be a great practice for me since we're close and obviously very attracted to one another. I said to him.."you have sex with other women!" and he said "yeah, but I care about you..". Anyway, I still want to have sex with him, every cell in my body is telling me to. But every external force, and voice of reason is telling me not to. It's so conflicting. I know the usual view of this type of scenario is that I'm being naieve and he's using me or I'm setting myself up to get hurt...but is it possible for me to actually really want to fulfill those sexual desires, knowing that he won't commit? Will it be that bad? After we had that conversation he agreed to have sex with me ( I honestly didn't mean to come off like I really wanted to have sex...but it was the truth, so I can't apologize for it. I just really wanted to spend time with him). A couple of days ago he made a remark about having sex, wanting to invite me over to his new place. Conflicting messages are deterring me from what I want. What does everyone have to say now?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Dear Ms. Virgin,
Wanting to fulfill sexual urges is natural hence why you chose him as the logical choice, you care for him aside from the fact you are attracted. You want to experience this moment and remember it as a special one, but everything has a consequence. This guy is doing what he can not to ruin a friendship he probably knows can be more because he still wants to play the single life. What you want is not "practice" but for maybe this moment to spend time with him and hopefully have him change his mind. He won't. Take his word for it when he says that it is easy to emotionally detach himself that will not be so easy for you. If you do take that step and sleep together its possible he could ask to spend more time with you but don't forget that he is not good at relationships because it just might end up as a physical convenience. You can always hope for more if what you really want with him happens than great but don't spend your time hoping it will and go out and enjoy yourself sometimes we find things when we are not looking.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): The prizing of women's chastity is not just some old relic of religion with no rational place in modern life. This is a dangerous lie that has been perpetuated for the last 40-50 years. I am not religious but this is based on cold hard science. Women have more to lose emotionally and physically from casual sex and that's a simple fact. The genders are not alike no matter now much easier this would make things for us today. Just look around these site. Half the threads are about people, usually men, who have a hopeless task of coping with their partner's sexual history that bothers them. Nothing will ever relieve their daily emotional torment. They will still be thinking about this stuff on a daily basis in 20 and 30 years from now. The constant posts from long term sufferers attest to this. It's true that there is a double standard. I agree completely. But a pop-culture double standard is not the same as what every individual person thinks. The truth is that a few total male sluts tend to give the average male a bad rap for most of their teen and 20s years. And eventually all those average guys (who originally wanted to prize sex much more highly) are also fucking anything that walks because they're just tired of feeling like suckers. They get tired of watching other guys screw everyone without consequences while they try to do the right thing for women who don't even seem to care what they're doing. They realize that eventually they're gonna get stuck with a girl that screwed at least a dozen other guys regardless of whether they want this or not, so it's only a question of whether they get any fun themselves before they buy the farm. Who is really benefiting from this? The only ones I see really profiting from this, out of either gender, is the few male sluts. The double standard would disappear in a single generation if women ever chose to hold this behavior against men. What women are doing these days is saying that they don't like it and then fawning over the men that do it anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): I think you are looking for reasons to "justify" having sex with him and losing your virginity to him as you have already done so.
You want to believe that you are bucking Christianity. Christianity is not against "sexual celebration" far from it, it is very much a celebration of love between a commited man and woman.
Since he is your first and because you are a woman whose brain, hormones and emotions are intimately connected, you will form a bond with him that will be very hard to break, and he will break it because he doesn't want a relationship with you, just lots of sex.
That has nothing to do with society or Christianity or the price of wheat, it is just a fact.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your responses. I really appreciate you taking the time to write it. As I said before there is conflict...as many of you stated it is conflict between my hormones and the reality. I guess in my life right now, I'm going through a pretty spiritual phase. And for once in my life I wanted to listen to my body rather than suppressing how I feel and being honest with myself. My family is fairly conservative, so expressing or celebrating sexuality was never talked about and having sex should be with..."the one". But, I'm 22, and I have no expectation of finding the 'one' anytime soon. I'm human, I have raging hormones (for this guy in particular)...and I want to have lots of sex with him. I have never made any mention of having a relationship with this guy (only he has), although in my heart I know I am a one guy type of gal so that is eventually what I'll be seeking for (most likely not in him, but elsewhere). Maybe it's ego (that the first guy I did it with was extremely hot and fascinating--my entire family+friends+some all think he's incredibly hot, talented, and charming), or maybe it's my way of defying what is conceived of women. That we need a commitment to have sex or if we're out having sex with multiple partners and having lots of it, we're considered whores. So is it really biological that women cannot handle it because we're too emotional, or is that something that society has constructed of us in order to suppress women from expressing their natural and true desires (because I think it's obvious to most that law and morale in the U.S. stems back to Christianity, a religion known to be against the celebration of sexuality except for procreation). So maybe this question goes out to the women who do have lots of sex with multiple partners, or have sex with men with no commitment. How do you feel afterwards? Used? Satisfied? Happy? 'slutty?' Anyway, although I did not make mention of your responses, it does not mean I have disregarded it. So you didn't waste your time.Thanks again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): I think that if you trust yourself enough that you can still be his friend, but stop going over to his house. He doesn't want to hurt you, and you will get hurt if you do this.Get some toys or something. If you do go through with this, Idk how it will be for you, but I lost my virginity at 21, and am now married to that guy and have been for a year. It's a hard concept to imagine letting go of the one I lost my virginity to. It is for most or some women. I know this girl who was with this bozo and that was one of the hard reasons it was for her to let him go.Also think about this, once it's gone, it's gone. You may feel ripe now, but at the same time not be ready. I felt ready at 17, I wasn't.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): There's nothing conflicting here except your hormones conflicting with the facts. He says, "no relationship." Your hormones are saying, "He will fuck me. But I would only fuck someone I want a relationship from, therefore, he must really want a relationship eventually." Well, you are not him. He is capable of things you are not. I would bet money that he is perfectly capable of fucking you, waking up with you, whispering sweet nothings into your ear, kissing your neck, walking out, calling you in the middle of the day just to talk . . . and then going home with another girl that very night. And he's already told you he doesn't want a relationship. So he is not only capable of all this, he is TELLING YOU OUT LOUD that he is capable of it. If you ignore the facts then you have nobody to blame but yourself when (not if, WHEN) you get hurt. Im sorry to be so rough but somebody has to say it like this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): I would say that you should stay away from him. He seems to be in a destructive mode. I think the relationship with his girlfriend hurt him and now he doesn't want to feel that again. So he'll have sex with other women without emotion so that he doesn't get hurt. This way he will also get "revenge" on women for hurting him. Because after sex they will want him to feel something and he won't. He doesn't consider you as a bad person though. So he doesn't want to hurt you the way he is hurting others. Especially since you still have your virginity it would hurt you a lot and so he doesn't want to do this to you. If you keep pushing him he will though, because the justification will be that you asked for it after knowing what he would do. Tell him you want a relationship, not just sex. Once he is ready for that and if you are still around, he should ask. I've seen guys like this. They are very loving for their first relationship but once they get destroyed in it they flip. Now they will draw women in by their charms and destroy them. One guy I knew was bringing home a new girlfriend every week after his divorce for at least a year. Another was "dating" a new girl online every week after his breakup. Both these cases, the girls were left behind after the first time they had sex. You don't need this. You will become like that once he does this to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Sorry, mouse troubles. inevetiably follow after you have sex with him and he does not reciprocate your feelings.
Believe him when he tells you that he does not want to give you a relationship. Just because he is sexually attracted to you does not mean that he loves you or wants to love you or will love you.
The decision is up to you
But you may want to read the following:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-fallback-girl-is-mr-unavailables-disgruntled-customer/
as well as some of the other articles about emotionally unavialable men because this is where this is heading for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): This is your hormones talking, you are definately in lust with this guy. He is doing the honorable thing and telling you that he does not want a relationship.
Therefore, you need to accept that and if you have sex with him, it may only be that one time or a few times and he will mess you around and not fall in love with you.
One thing you need to understand about the differences between men and women: Women's brains work differently than men's. It has been scientifically proven in fact. We women are biologically hard-wired to bond emotionally with the men we have intimate relations with. Men on the other hand are not. Having sex and being in love are distinctly different things for them. A lot of times men won't allow themselves to fall in love because of the place they are in their lives, especially young 20 something men who are not established in their careers, they make a concerted effort to play the field.
The fact that you are a virgin is probably making this guy feel badly about taking that away from you, knowing that he has no INTENTIONS of making this a relationship. He doesn't want to hurt you. If you continue pursuing him with your hormonal lusty pursuit then you will have no one but yourself to blame for the resultant rejection and hurt feelings that will inevitably follow afte
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): This is your hormones talking, you are definately in lust with this guy. He is doing the honorable thing and telling you that he does not want a relationship.
Therefore, you need to accept that and if you have sex with him, it may only be that one time or a few times and he will mess you around and not fall in love with you.
One thing you need to understand about the differences between men and women: Women's brains work differently than men's. It has been scientifically proven in fact. We women are biologically hard-wired to bond emotionally with the men we have intimate relations with. Men on the other hand are not. Having sex and being in love are distinctly different things for them. A lot of times men won't allow themselves to fall in love because of the place they are in their lives, especially young 20 something men who are not established in their careers, they make a concerted effort to play the field.
The fact that you are a virgin is probably making this guy feel badly about taking that away from you, knowing that he has no INTENTIONS of making this a relationship. He doesn't want to hurt you. If you continue pursuing him with your hormonal lusty pursuit then you will have no one but yourself to blame for the resultant rejection and hurt feelings that will inevitably follow afte
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