A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone. I feel like my problem is a but out of the oridnary, but here goes. I'm 17 and a senior in high school. I'm also a virgin. I've had boyfriends before, but it just never happened. Anyway, my best friend (boy) is still a virgin too. We're going off to colege soon and neither one of us want to go into college as virgins. In a sense, we really just want to get it over with. So we've been considering having sex with each other. I kind of like the idea of doing it with him for th first time - but I also have some reservations, so I was hoping you'd offer me some advice. Do you think this is a bad idea? Do you think having sex with him could ruin ou relationship? Any other thoughts?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 October 2011):
 I think your reasons for it are not very good. You're both just acting out the plot of American Pie. I have no problems with friends having sex, even losing their virginity to each other. Heck that's how I lost mine. However, there's a world of difference between just doing it for the sake of doing it and doing it because you are attracted.
For instance, my "reason" was my good friend (who was my on again off again FWB for years) was in town visiting, we started making out, and I got so ridiculously turned on I just really wanted to. So I did, and it hurt but I was glad I did it and because my friend and I already were FWBs, the relationship didn't get weird.
But I think planning to lose it in the most meaningless way possible can't end well. Unless you have history with this guy and know he "lights your fire" so to speak, I think this is going to be awkward, it's going to hurt a lot more than it needs to (that's from the not being turned on enough) and it will wreck your friendship. I also think setting a deadline on losing your virginity is just a silly reason to decide when to do it. Whether or not you want it to be something special or not, you need to feel it's right. And setting a deadline for yourself and planning to lose it with someone you don't even have purely physical feelings for will probably make this something very unfun and something you regret.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 October 2011):
 Let me ask you some questions first. Are you sexually attracted to him? Can you kiss him, and like it? Will it feel weird to kiss him? Have you tried? Before you jump into bed together, at least do a test with kissing each other, as in a make-out session, and then wait a week and see how you feel about it. Even going that far with each other could be crucial to your friendship. But if you are determined to go ahead, at least test the waters first with kisses and fondling of each others bodies, don't just jump into bed naked and have your first kiss while under the sheets. Take some test rounds first with kisses and touching with clothes still on.Yes, your friendship will change. Close to guaranteed. Sex is not just an action of the flesh, not for most of us, and surely not for those who haven't experienced it before and haven't learned how to separate emotions from sex. If you and your friend have sex you are no longer strictly friends. He'll be a person you slept with. He'll be a person you might feel strongly connected with, in an entirely new way than you do now. And it is near impossible to predict how you and him will react once you've had sex. I've done the friends who have sex thing myself. I went poorly all times but one. The other times it killed the friendship. The first time me and him were also virgins, and wanted to experiment. We weren't in love, we were just friends who wanted to get the deed over with. First off, the sex was horrible. Second, I started feeling closer to him, he was my "special" friend. He however didn't see it that way, and I guess I became clingy. He started ignoring me, and it all went down the drain. Another time I had a friend and he was a virgin who wanted to lose it, and I was ok with helping him, silly me. It was weird. The kissing felt off, and the sex was horrible yet again. He afterwards went completely crazy on me, wanting to see me again in a sexual context (even though we agreed beforehand it'd be a one time thing!!), was going crazy with texts and e-mails of the most embarrassing nature (writing things like "you've started a fire in me only you can put out", and "I want to orgasm with you" etc). I didn't speak to him ever again as it was too embarrassing. He also continued to TELL A FRIEND OF HIS about the episode, and this friend of his started to think I was a bitch for taking his virginity (as she was in love with him, and the fool told her anyway). So there was only drama out of that case. And the sex was horrible in both those cases, and you know why??? Because I wasn't sexually attracted to them, or felt a connection with them. And without that spark, sex is like humping a dead fish. Without that spark sex becomes very "clinical" and boring. You aren't going to be turned on, you wont experience the tingling sensation when he touches you, you wont feel passionate about it, and when you're not in love you will see all the "faults" and he will see all of yours. There wont be any passionate kisses afterwards, or cuddles and tight embraces. You'll just do it, then go and shower, and then feel awkward around each other afterwards. If you do not want to enter college as a virgin then I propose you buy a cucumber and do the deed solo. For him: a banana peel.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 October 2011):
 Yes it is a bad idea - Dont do it!
First of all your first time should be special - it should be with someone you love and who loves you too. When you have sex, especially for females, there are a lot of hormones released afterwards designed to make you feel attached to the man you had sex with. So I can promise you this - after you have sex with your friend your feelings will change for him, they will be incredibly strong and chances are you are going to want more than friendship. I know right now you think 'that wont happen to me, he's just a friend' but these hormones are very powerful and you will feel different towards him after I can promise you that.
So having sex with someone you love is a much better idea, because those hormones and feelings after sex will only improve the relationship, rather than destroying a friendship.
That brings me to my next point - you will never be able to be 'just friends' ever again if you have sex. You will have stronger feelings for him, he wont be able to look at you in the same way....it will change the entire dynamic of your friendship and not in a good way.
I know it sounds boring for me to tell you to wait, but I really dont see how having sex before college is going to make much difference to your life. Why is sleeping with someone and then going to college better than being a virgin in college? What happens to virgins in college that I dont know about?! You dont wear a sign around your neck that says virgin, so nobody will know that you are hence it isnt important.
And then hopefully whilst at college you will meet a nice guy, fall in love and he can be your first - you will feel so much happier if you save your first time for someone special. I can promise you this - if you lose your virginity to your friend, and then meet a great guy in college, you will regret it enormously and wish that you had just waited. You only have one first time, it is not something frivolous to just give away to anyone. You only have one chance at this so make it special, it is not something to simply get over and done with.
And one final thing - from your age, and depending on what state you live in, is sex even legal for you? You dont want to risk breaking the law and getting any guy into trouble, so wait until you are legal to have sex. The law is there for a reason, it is pretty stupid to break it especially just with a friend like this.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Bingo!  +, writes (17 October 2011):
You really need to set yourself up emotionally before you it, sex isn't just a physical experience but a emotional one as well. I lost my virginity to my best friend and I feel for him then everything between us was horrible, we know don't talk or see eachother. You really just need to have a good hard think ab
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