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anonymous
writes:
I've been married for 10 years, and with my husband for 15. While we are great friends and generally have a good life together, from my point of view our sex life has never been great, although from his, its fine. I'm 42 and my husband is 41. it is now at the point where I no longer find him sexually attractive at all, but I don't ot love or care for him.
At the end of 2002, a new member of staff at work began flirting with me by email and we got to know each other. We were friends only for some time but then the worst thing happened and I got involved with him sexually. I'm incredibly attracted to him and have been ever since we started talking. For a long time he felt the same way. He is 31, unattached and is aware that I'm married but also knows a bit about the problems of my marriage.
Apart from the fact that I'm riddled with guilt, I do not know what the solution is to everything. I know I'm not properly happy with my husband (and that pre-dates the affair) and I also know that I have fallen for the new man, and he with me. But we have never discussed the future and I rarely discuss my feelings about any of this with him. He has maintained that he does not want to be the reason we split up and hsa in the past urged me to try again with my husband. On the other hand, when I have tried to finish the affair and do just that, he pleads with me not to! So I'm not entirely sure what he wants either!
I also have never admitted to my husband about how my feelings towards him have changed.
Its obvious that the affair is clouding my judgement, and also, the fact that if I left my husband (for whatever reason), my husband would be devastated and my family and friends would be scandalised . I really feel that these are the ''o things that are stopping me leaving, whether to be on my own or try a new life with the new man.
I am so confused and pretty unhappy. The only thing that makes me happy is spending time with new man. What on earth is my next move?
J
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affair, at work, flirt, sex life, split up Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): If you want to leave your partner, this should be regardless of what os gog on with your "bit on the side". Even if you both are in love, this could all fizzle out once you leave your husband/wife and things get serious. You will then resent each other.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Please, DO NOT have an affair. Anyone reading. Do not have an affair!
I am going through the worst experience of my life after confessing an affair to my partner. There are no words to describe the horrific feelings of guilt, despair, uncertainty. You feel brittle and your sanity hangs on just by a thread.
It is not worth it! No pleasure in the world is worth it. It will fade away and you will only be left with destruction, distrust. Don't take what you have for granted. Talk. Talk, Talk. It's never too much effort.
Stop the fantasies and get real.
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male
reader, yonip  +, writes (25 January 2009):
I'm 24years old, I had an affair before I got married last year(2008) Reason why I had an affair is that I've been having problems with my wife(present status) then, financially and most specially with sex, there are even times that I can't finish it, I can't get my climax :( she always do something that takes out my mood. Add also the problem with her family, just imagine, we were together for 4years, yet her father didn't talk to me, we never had any conversation, I did everything for my wife back then, yet I deserve to be ignored by her father? The problem with her parents is that they are separated, her mom likes me, but my problem with her mom is financially, she got used to a wealthy lifestyle and now, we are affected because she is staying with us without any source of income :(The woman I had an affair with is my wife's friend, she has a boyfriend which I know, she was my bestfriend, she knows my problems with my wife, and we eventually got close until something sexually happened between us. We did that twice a week, then every other day, there was even a week that we did it everyday. We have fallen for each other, but she fell deeply into me and I got scared, then I decided to get married with my girlfriend(my wife now) because I realized then that my wife is the only person that could understand me and I will never be afraid with her love for me.We got married, I tried to forget my affair with my bestfriend, until last December, I somehow felt something again, I'm still longing for my bestfriend, I even realized that I love her, but now she doesn't want to be with me again, she just wants to stay away, she kept backing off, but she knows I still want her.Yes I still have problems with my wife, financially and sexually, I'm not happy with her sometimes, but still there are times that I really enjoy hugging her, I want her beside me in bed. Now I'm on a business trip, I think I really need this for me to think and also miss her, maybe I just got fed up being with her everyday, talking about financial problems, having not really good sex. I don't know why, but I really had great sex with my bestfriend, she was the best, but if you can see them both, you will say that my wife is way prettier and beautiful than my bestfriend, until now, all I can think of a reason why I'm still longing for my bestfriend is that the sex was super great, but I know that my feelings for my wife are stronger. I don't know what to do. My bestfriend is backing off, my wife and I are still okay, but without a sex life.Any comments and suggestions are very helpful and appreciated.Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): I have been married for almost 11 years. My wife had an affair for 14 months with a doctor at work who is single. This sounds exactly the same as my story. You need to leave your relationship before you do what you are doing. You will be hurting everyone involved. The feeling of romantic love you feel is not real love. It is what draws two people together. You get that chemical high which will eventually fade when the problems of real life come into a relationship (finances, kids, chores ,etc.). If you can't get past this disillusionment phase of love you will never evolve to a mature love full of compassion, understanding, and support. You are responsible for creating that in your marriage by telling your husband what you "want" and "need". Women expect that men should intuit their needs and if they have to tell them what they need, then their husband doesn't really want to do it.
If you are not getting your needs satisfied and your husband is unwilling to do so, you will never develop those feelings of love you once had. A woman's sexual fulfillment is directly related to the emotional intimacy that they feel toward a man. You will be trading once bad relationship for another one because you'll find yourself in the same situation down the road.
And let me shed some light on a possibility of why this man doesn't want you to leave your marriage for him. He may enjoy the perks of having NSA sex with you and not have to deal with your baggage that you carry so obviously in your relationship. My wife tried to break her affair off 3 times and after 2 weeks her lover would pull her back in by saying "I really miss you". It took my discovery of the affair for her to end it. It took full disclosure because once the secret is out, the affair does not work anymore.....because once there are problems in an affair it disolves.
She did not feel celebrated or wanted in our marriage and I take my share of responsibility for that. She experiences love by the small things: helping with the housework, taking initiative and recognizing her beauty, allowing her to express her feelings without making her feel judged for having them.
I've grown tremendously as a person from this painful ordeal. We are in therapy both individually and couples counseling and it really takes both people to want to make it work. And you'll both need to change in meaningful ways.
End your affair today and put your efforts into your marriage and allow yourself the possibility that the reasons you fell in love with your husband can return and may not be as lost as you think. (your emotions can play cruel games with your head). Or, end your marriage and go work on your affair, knowing that the success rate is extremely low. Your relationship began on deception and the guy will always wonder if you'll cheat on him once the honeymoon is over. And you'll still be carrying the issues from your past which probably predate your current marriage that have contributed as equally has your husband's role in your current crisis state.
Good luck. End it before he finds out. You'll never be able to undo the damage that you are about to do, and you will get caught.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): Whoa... I'm 22 years old and I'm on a different spectrum than everyone one else it seems. I'm not sure if I'm having a affair or not. I'm talking to a 42 year old guy that is a customer at my work. We've known each other for three years and have started texting in about the last 6 months. We've hooked up, but have never actually had sex. I really like him and care about him. And I think if he felt he could, he would leave his wife. However I know THIS WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN. I know he's not MINE and wont and cant be mine. I KNOW I CAN NOT REPLACE HIS KIDS OR WIFE. However, i don't feel guilty for having feelings or a relationship with him. And thats what makes me wonder what kind of person I am??? But its fun, and I think it adds something to his life. And I'm not hurting or ruining a family I'd deny the relationship till the day I die. I'd never want to hurt him or his family. So I say think about the consequences! Make sure thats what you honestly want. Because sometimes the grass seems really green on the other side and when you get there its just a bunch of dirt blowin in your face!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Obviously you need to get a divorce. You're not attracted to your husband but the new guy just wants sex, he is not interested in a long term marriage with you.
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male
reader, Davinams  +, writes (18 December 2007):
I would think VERY VERY carefully. I have just joined here, because I am in a state of unrest, having started an affair. I am now suffering gut wrenching anxiety and guilt that I never forsaw.
I feel like I am having to live not only two totally separate lives but also, as two totally separate people. I have no way of justifying what I am doing, only that I have a need to do it, or thought I did. To carry this off, I am having to be uncharacteristically cold and detached. I am ending it now because I cannot stand the guilt nor the thought of losing what up until now I took for granted. If my wife ever found out that would be it for ever. I am treading the narrowest tightrope I have ever trodden in my life and I can assure you, it's not a pleasant feeling.
I am thinking now of my wife who is loyal and oblivious, and I never thought I could deceive her like I am, and I do not like myself for it.
If you are prepared to accept the consequences of what you are doing were you to be found out, and are also ready to deal with how you might feel, even if you are not found out, then your choice may be easier.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): I think after having my own problems like this I have to say marriage is only a agreement to eachother to protect eachother and things gained from working as a team. That is what a marriage is 2 people share things to help life be better for both of them. I think that the marriage if you still like that part of working together then keep that part and open the marriage to let sex be for pleasure. but that is my view that a open relationship has more value than 2 pople that change in time.
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male
reader, joshua19  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 hey look at this my girlfriend has just cheated on me but she has enough in her to tell me that she has cheated on me tell your man he will understand and just make it work for his sake dont break his heart just spike things up in bed move around try new positions use toys everything just help your relationship there was a reason why you married this man now find that again and you never know everything could be better than it was before just try i am and im the one who got cheated on help him and yourself i hope i could help you
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): How can you be happy with this other man yet he is a big part of your current unhappiness?
This man does not want a committed relationship and finds the affair one of convience. He also doesn't know a fig about having a healthy adult relationship and your lower self esteem and self worth are consequences of a poor choice. Of course you have no peace, you are breaking your marital vows.
If you honestly feel you no longer love your husband and by your actions, you don't believe in the marriage- divorce. Plain and simple.
You can hem and haw about the embarassment and other complaints but come on professional, educated woman of the world...don't bs.
You will have no real peace or lasting happiness until you fully understand and accept the consequences of your two choices.
Own up.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): I am 34 and am separated from my susband becasue I had an affair. I tell myslef that I did it out of spite becasue I suspected he had several opportunities and flirted with temptation. I found an e-mail account with many e-mails from a pretty co-worker. He has had many inappropriate encounters due his line of work. I always trusted him until the e-mails. What made made me really resentful was that he had this experience that he claims was "nothing" while I was pregnant. When I found out he told me to get over it and quickly. He even gave me timeline- a month. I never forgave him for the way he treated me. Needless to say we did not go to counseling. When I met my soulmate, I still had my babyweight and was focused on my baby and career. He changed my life and resurected me, I found myself again and he healed all the emotional damage all other men had hardened my heart with, including my father. He did all this by being himslef. He is truely amazing. The sad part is that he is very attractive so everyone thinks I am being shallow or duped. I am not rich and he left his wife a year before I left my house. Don't get me wrong, I beleive what we did was wrong, but it became so right for us somewhere along the way. It was my way out of a bad decision. I am married by the catholic church and everything I have read says I am going to hell, I am impure, and a whore. I thought about it long and hard and said "no" many times until I finally gave in and I am so glad I did. My soulmate has a lot of trouble with his ex and is worried about not being able to see his daughter. She is wealthy and powerful. He is currently a student and broke. He has a lot of loyal friends helping him out right now. I have been very clear about not offering any financial support, but he doesn't care about that. He is working very hard to finish his degree so he can become financially stable. He has asked me to give him time. My ex has become very religious since the affair. He has forgiven me and refuses to give me a divorce because he claims to still love me and misses our daughter too much. He took a job 3 hours away and wants me to move to that town. I feel compelled to give it another go for my daughters sake, but I know that I will be miserable missing the love of my life. My weakness has always been indecison, but I am not a weak woman by any means. I have worked very hard to get where I am in life, not just careerwise, and I am willing to give it all up for this man. Even if we do not stay together forever or one of us dies in the next few years due to God punishing us or just fate, I am certian that I will be the happiest woman that ever lived calling him mine and sharing my life with him for whatever the duration may be.
Somewhere in Arizona
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female
reader, Teakitty +, writes (15 December 2006):
This story could be mine. I too have lost any desire or attraction for my husband. We rarely talk, and there has been no sex for years. He belittles me constantly and gripes and complains about every little thing, finding fault with me, my family and my freinds.I am in sales, and met a man at work - a customer. We have not met in person, but have developed one hell of a relationship over the phone. I have fallen head over heels in love with him. He knows how I feel and he says he feels the same about me. We plan to meet in person in the next few weeks.We have grown so close emotionally and intellectually. It is almost as if we are a couple, as if we have known each other all our lives. When I first talked to him there was a connection there that was so strong. I honestly think I have found my soul mate. We call each other by cell phone. We talk each morning and afternoon to and from work and sometimes at lunchtime if he is not in the middle of a job. I think of him constantly, The desire is so strong. We have so many things in common. My husband and I have very few. I can't wait to be with this man. We have set a date for after the fist of the year to meet halfway between where we each live. Yes, he lives out of state, and it would be a long distance relationship. That is if I don't decide to move. I have already looked into jobs in his area. I was actually contacted by a recruiter for a job in his area. How they got my resume is beyond me, but I took it as a sign that he is where I need to be. He has even entrusted me with personal information and that makes me feel really special.I can't offer any solid advice, but I have decided what I am going to do. If when we meet, our attraction to each other is still as strong as it is now, I will leave my husband for him. I deserve to be happy and so do you. I can offer my support, if not the advice.Ihope all works out for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): It amazes me how many women get to a stage in their lives and seek out or find some sort of 'extra curricular' activities to fill their otherwise dull lives. Why this happens, I am not certain. Is it the complacency of their husbands that drives them to do this, or the fact they have simply grown apart?
My relationship with my partner started falling apart a few years ago. We had been together for 14 years, never married, but have 2 gorgeous children. Things weren't right: we talked less and the sex was dreadful. As much as I loved him, I wasn't IN love with him (there goes that dreadful cliche). My first 'dalliance' so to speak was at my daughter's riding school when her instructor (10 years younger) showed interest in me! I was amazed that somebody found me attractive. Nothing came of that other than a few flirty texts, but I kind of knew I was 'ready' to meet someone else.
It wasn't til a year later when I started a new job that things started to develop. I sat next to a guy 7 years younger than myself and found we really had a connection, and then, slowly but surely, I started to find myself REALLY attracted to him, but thought I didn't stand a chance.
A couple of months later, he handed in his notice. I was really down, but thought it was probably for the best and that I'd never see him again...
... the week after he left he emailed me!! I was on CLOUD NINE...
that was a year and a half ago. We are very much together and I have left my partner. It's been an awful year, and hard on the children. But I am happy now I have found what I have with A and know i have done the right thing. Children deserve happy parents, and if youre miserable, they will NEVER have the childhood they deserve, but take your time to assess the situation. Never rush things, and talk, talk, talk to friends, relatives and counselling services... it's a BIG decision
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2006): I can see myself in your shoes. I am 37 and have been married for 7 years, with my husband for 10. Not sure if this is the 7 year itch..but I am bored. I don't find my husband sexually attractive anymore. We have sex..but its not good. Its always fast b/c of the kids and I just don't get excited by him anymore. I think he is a great father but a terrible husband. We have alot of issues in our marriage..I feel trapped. If you asked him he would say we have a great marriage. Recently I have been finding myself VERY attracted to a friend of his. He comes over everyday. I am not sure if he feels the same way..but I just can't stop thinking about him. I don't want to hurt my husband...I think its the excitment of someone new. I have a 4 month old and 3 1/2 year old. I can't afford to leave my husband..if I could I would have done it already. I am trying to make things more fun..scheduling vacations and trips. I hope it helps. I am just scared..what if something happened with this friend..If the opportunity presented itself..I wouldn't be able to control my urges. I guess this is normal..any advise?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2006): This could have been written by me. I have been married for 14 years and with my husband for 18 years. I too my 42, but my husband is 47. I have for a long time not found him sexually appealing, although we have sex, it is not fun. Just before Christmas I met someone at the Christmas Party. I was totally taken by surprised when he started flirting with me. Since then we have exchanged emails, he gave me his mobile number and we text each other on a daily basis, sometimes up to 40 times a day. We meet ocassionally and just after Christmas the relationship moved to a physical one, which I have to say was fantastic. He is younger than me, 33 and also married. He has only been married for a year, and he has just moved house so has losts on his plate at the moment, but it hasn't stopped him. He even texts me at the weekend. I know that if my husband found out he would be devestated, but I don't think he can see how much we have drifted apart. We are still best friends, but that's all really. This new man is everything I have ever wanted in a man - even down to the long hair!I have to see how things go with this new man before I make a desicion aboout anything. I am at the moment happy for it just to go on as it is. At times he is keener than me at other time I am keener than him.I could be something to do with my age but I doubt that. Can't offer much advice, just basic support as we are in the same boat.M
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male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (20 April 2005):
 Have the affair. Keep it a secret. See how you feel about it.
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