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anonymous
writes: I recently met a bloke on a weekend away. It turned out he lives in my area so we decided to go out. From the start he was honest and said he was just coming out of a marriage after she left him. It has been 6 months since they seperated.We have been seeing each other and had 5 dates (in a week) and slept together in that time. I felt that he was seeing someone else, as a women phoned whilst I was there and he kept turning the volume down on his phone, maybe so I couldn't hear. I am unsure. He could tell something was wrong and I said that it was fine. I left and kept texing him that night and once the following morning. He did reply the day after that and I said I was sorry and if he no longer wished to see me then fine. He said he would call me and arrange a date, so he did. But now we don't see each other as much as we used to. I know it has only been 3 weeks but I am unsure of what he wants. He used to phone every night and no longer does, we have slept together twice in the 3 weeks, he was going to take me out for my birthday and hasn't and I don't hear from him at the weekends. I have also asked him if he wants to go out with my friends but he won't, he also doesn't come into the house when he picks me up he says it is probably too soon for that but I have met his friends!!I am scared to ask where this is going because I don't want to scare him off and it has been 3 weeks. What should I do? I really like him. I want fun too as I think that's what he wants at the moment but I am also looking for something serious. Should I let him do all the running or will he think I am not interested?Please help! What should I do? I don't want to scare him off! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (3 April 2005):
 Even though it was six months since his break up, it sounds as if you caught him on the rebound from his relationship. It also sounds like your suspicions are correct. From the way he acted, that phone call was probably his wife, who rang him to say she was willing to give it another chance. He's disappeared off the radar because of the feels loyalty to her first.It's sad for you, because he changed into a different person so quickly that you must feel a bit stunned and hurt. It's understandable that you'd want a bit of "closure" on the matter, but he might think that it's pretty obvious and feel that there's no real need to explain it. Also try to see it from his point of view. He may have been desperate to reunite with his wife for the entire 6 months and then met you for only a matter of a couple of weeks. He's probably a little embarrassed that he was making plans to get back together with her while he was actually /with/ you, and so is keeping a lower-than-usual profile.What appears to be happening is that you're the "back up" woman, in case the old relationship doesn't work out. I'm sorry.You should probably talk to him and ask him outright what's going on. Try to be neutral and definitely NOT accusatory. Just ask, as in "Jase... I know we've only known each other for a little while, but I get the feeling that you're sort of pulling back, compared to our first few dates. Am I right, or am I imagining things?"There's no guarantee that he'll give you the truth or will tell you what's going on in his life, but you should give him the chance to. And anyway, what he chooses /not/ to tell you still gives you an insight into what kind of man he is, and what a longer-term relationship with him would be like.In the end, you have to consider up the pros and cons of this guy. The cons includes that he's kind of secretive, seems to be pulling away, and might already be in a long-term relationship. The pros are things that you'll have to list for yourself, then make a judgement about whether you want to make the necessary sacrifices to continue to see this guy.Hope that this helps.
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