A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Have been having a relationship with my married boss for the past 4 years. It's a long story how it came about, but short version is it wasn't planned. We just got along well and he persued me first then we slept together and it went on from there. He is the first and only person I have ever been with in any sort of physical and emotional relationship (we are both in our 30's). Anyway, he has been married for about 8 years and he and his wife have now just separated. He has suddenly stopped seeing me and says he needs to sort out his life and work things out. I still have to see him everyday and act like all is okay but it is not. I am trying to be patient but I am confused as he is not telling me what is going on except that he needs time. I don't know what to do now. It is difficult to be at work and not be able to talk to him. Do I wait, do I confront him? I feel so lost and empty.
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (8 May 2012):
 Hi there
He is your first love and proper relationship, HIS relationship with his wife has ended.He was not free to see you and now he is, he has to get through the divorce and the fall-out.
Thing is if he could cheat on his wife for half of their marriage,he could do it to you, maybe he has already. He has lied, deceived and dumped his partner. He has hurt her and shown no respect for her.
I know you cannot understand but thats because you have rose coloured glasses on, you are in love.You only see the man who has been in your life for 4 years,your side of the story.
Can you leave your job? Put some distance between you? You definately should.He may or may not come back to you, so you need now to think of your future, possibly without him in it.
He was never yours you shared him remember.
He has asked for time, so give plenty to him and let him sort out his life and the damage he has caused.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): "He has suddenly stopped seeing me and says he needs to sort out his life and work things out... I am confused as he is not telling me what is going on except that he needs time."What are you confused about? He did tell you what is going on, which is that he needs to sort out his life and work things out, what part of that do you not understand?Going through a divorce is a big life-changing event. It needs his attention now. Also, if his soon-to-be-ex wife is trying to pinpoint the affair as a way to take him to the cleaners in divorce court, then it's in his interest to not be leaving evidence that he has been having an affair. maybe she has hired a private investigator to follow him to collect evidence.Another thing is that he is your boss. So all the more your relationship should not be publicized because you and him could get fired. Most organizations have rules against bosses dating their subordinates. So he will have to transfer himself or you to another department or one of you will have to quit the company if you want to continue this relationship. That's another thing he may be trying to sort so that it doesn't leak out.He did not say he was breaking up with you. He just said he needs time to sort things out. I don't see what is so confusing to you about this and what it is you want to hear if you confront him.look. in the end, most people will tell you (in a vengeful way) that married men never leave their wives for the mistresses. But some do. Yours is. So what are you complaining about?
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A
female
reader, JessicaStarDust  +, writes (8 May 2012):
 Hun, It's wrong enough you were seeing a guy who is willing to cheat on his wife for HALF of his marriage with no issues. Why would you EVER want to be with someone who can do this??Have you ever thought you weren't the only one he was screwing?-I'm sorry to sound so rude. One of my good friends was involved with a married man. Many people told her she was down right stupid for doing so. She wasted 8 years, destroyed any trust she had w/friends and family. Permanently damaged an innocent family. After everything that has happen she finally learned her lesson. Yet, the damage was done. The man of course walked out of it with just dirt on his shoulder to another young women.He will do the same to you (If he has not already)You just need to drop him and move on. If you don't and try to stick with this guy you will always wonder if there is another women since you were after all the "other women"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): Oh my dear. I'm so sorry. I have no advice to offer I'm afraid. I just feel your pain. The worst part is, he is your first love. And I believe when it's your first time it doesn't matter if you are 30 or 13, you are more likely to let yourself be fooled and you get more emotionally dependent. And yes the guy has taken advantage of you! He is your boss, he was experienced you were not. You made a very bad decision to be with a married person. But remember you are just human.I hope you decide to find a new job and get as far away from this person as possible. It will be terribly painful I know. And once you manage to somewhat get over the pain of losing him you will have to deal with feelings of guilt for getting involved with a married man. It will be hard. You will hurt more than you could ever imagine. But the pain will end I promise. You would just need to hang on. And when you are finally free you can use this experience and make better decisions in the future.By the way the aunts here are very good. Some might sound harsh but in my opinion they are brutaly honest because they care. I specially recommend paying attention to what Tisha says. She has given me wonderful advice before. I really respect her.You are in my thoughts. I hope you feel happiness again soon.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 May 2012):
 The guy's life is in turmoil and unfortunately, you are not his priority. This fact is so glaringly obvious, it is blinding you.
I'm sorry, he doesn't love you enough to put aside private time for you, or to take the time to explain things to you. I think that is so clear and so awful that you just don't want to accept it. I can see why, it must be a huge shock.
I'd be getting that resume ready and start looking for a new job, like, yesterday.
There was an aunt on here who used a great parting line. I think it applies here: Create your own peace.
In other words, you have to create the life you want, on your own, without him helping. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 May 2012):
 You were his gateway to getting out of a marriage. He just needed to know that he was desired by someone other than the woman he was married to.
You do not wait
you do not confront (you have nothing to confront him about)
I would strongly suggest looking for another job.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 May 2012):
 What? You think he owes you something? You were his bit on the side and now he has a major life changing situation on his hands. You are small potatoes. Wait if you want, confront if you want, it won't make any difference. Now if I were you I'd make this MY OWN major life changing situation and try to obtain a sliver each of honesty and integrity. If you don't value yourself then you can't expect anybody else to now can you?!
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