A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 23 years old, and have been in a relationship with my 23 year old boyfriend for 2 years. We don't live together. Things started off great in the beginning, but the honeymoon phase is over and I'm beginning to see the not-so-great side of him. A lot I can deal with, but recently a few things have really begun to bug me big time. For instance, I'm put last a lot of the time. As an example, he is constantly putting his friends before me. I understand he needs boy time and I make sure he gets it, I see my friends and family frequently (2-3 times a week), but lately I just can't help but feel pushed aside. As an example of this, he has decided that he is planning on joining a friend on a vacation to Hawaii for his birthday. Problem? His birthday is one day before valentines day. Other problem? His friend is single and has already expressed his interest in going to "bang as many girls as possible" (direct quote). Third problem? The only trip we have ever taken together was one that I planned completely and paid for almost entirely, so yes, I feel a bit jaded that he is planning on taking such a big vacation and can manage to save all this money when he couldn't spare a dime to help with our vacation, which he did know about months in advance. Plus, he is going to be gone on Valentines. I know it's a superficial holiday but honestly, it is a big day to me. It's a day where I believe couples should spend together and reflect on their love for each other, and I've told him this in the past. Double plus, the fact that his friend is very single and very ready to mingle. This friend is also his roommate, and is always trying to make my boyfriend his wingman, which my boyfriend seems to agree to since he goes out with him somewhat often. I've been cheated on in the past and I try not to be a jealous person, he has female friends that he sees a lot at work and sometimes they'll go out as a group after work. I've met them all and I have no problem with that, but now it seems like he's hiding things. To segway to my next issue, he's been hiding seeing other women. He'll tell me he went somewhere, but will neglect to tell me other women were there. One example is he went out with his room mate and his group of friends a few weeks ago and got really drunk. He went back to one of their hotel rooms that his friend had booked and they partied there for awhile and then after he sobered up, him and a friend left. He told me all this, but neglected to tell me other women were there. I only found out because he posted a picture he took of his friend with said women. Next example, yesterday he woke up early and went up north to a lake. He told me this, but neglected to tell me that he was alone with other woman. I only found out because she posted on his facebook about how awesome it was. I confronted him, and he said he was supposed to meet up with another group of people and they never showed, and she was the only one who showed and she was one of his students. He is a parkour coach and that is a frequent training ground for them, but why didn't he just tell me then? I have no problem if he sees other women, but why is he hiding it? He knows I won't get mad, I just want to know so I'm not left in the dark all jealous like now. Then ANOTHER reason why I was upset, was he could manage to wake up early to go up to the lake, but the last few weeks I've been trying to plan things with him and he constantly over sleeps and makes us late for our plans, or we have to cancel them all together. That is just so disrespectful to me, and he knows I feel that way. I guess what I'm looking for is outside advice. What do YOU see? Am I wrong for being upset? Am I being a jealous over reacting girlfriend or am I justified in the way I feel? Any insight either way is much appreciated.
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at work, drunk, facebook, jealous, money, roommate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 Basically what I can see here is that you have grown up and your boyfriend has not. You need to make a decision of whether to put up with it or whether to move on. You would probably feel a lot happier with a guy in his late twenties who has the maturity to match your own.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): No, you are not wrong for being upset. It seems as if your boyfriend doesn't count you as a priority in his life. I think you know what you need to do.
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A
female
reader, virginitee +, writes (29 July 2013):
Wow (not to sound like a bitch, but) it kinda seems like you need to dump him. He doesn't seem to be ready for a relationship. At least not with you. It's one thing if he had a gf that didnt mind him being out all hours of the night and partying and drinking, but the least he could do is be honest and not so secretive. If he didnt think that hanging out with these girls were a big deal, why did he hide it?
Maybe you need to toss the idea of a "break" around. And then see how he reacts. You spending the majority if not all of your money on a couple's trip was definitely a BIG thing. I could see if it was a surprise bday or anniversary thing for you or a friend, but for him to know and not save up was rude and disrespectful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): Personally, I think you are totally justified in the way you feel. Your boyfriend sounds selfish and like he puts the needs of himself and his friends well before yours. The being late thing would really annoy me too, as to continually do that is completely disrespectful to you and your time.
It doesn't sound like he is in any way mature enough to be in an adult relationship. He likes the good stuff about being in a relationship (the fun times, the sex etc) but not the responsibility part (where sacrifices and compromise often comes into play). The problem is, maturity only comes with age and if he's not there yet there isn't a lot you can do. You can try talking to him again, but I doubt he will listen or make any real effort to change because he doesn't want to.
I think you need to think seriously about what you are getting out of this relationship, other than scraps of his time, and work out whether you want to stay in it. I personally wouldn't if I'm honest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): You sound really mature and a realist.Your boyfriend however, seems to still enjoy the "single" life a bit too much. It sounds like his best buddy, aka roommate is a big influence on him.Your feelings about his pending trip to Hawaii with his friend are justified. After all, your previous trip you paid for everything, and now suddenly he is able to save and go with his friend? As for Valentines, call it commercialised, but most of us girls who are in committed relationships want to celebrate it with our partner! It's OUR day so you are justified in how you feel.One suggestion? Why don't you go with? He is NOT single, so going with a single buddy who wants to party it up is fine - the pal can meet his many chicks, while you hang out with your boyfriend when the buddy meets someone. Then you celebrate Valentines in Hawaii - how awesome ;-) and his birthday too! His buddy sounds like he has no morals or feelings with the expression he made.As for him hiding there are girls in the picture when he goes places - even though he knows you would understand, he probably thinks it's easier to apologise than "ask for permission" meaning, if you don't know, it can't hurt as he isn't doing "anything wrong" per say. It's weird but guys like pretending they are single and will only say they are not, if ever, when they have to, whereas us girls tell them straight away, to ward off unwanted attention. As for him making the effort for the lake, but letting your plans go unheeded - he is complacent, feeling comfortable, routine, and not making much effort. He knows he has you, and is just enjoying it, while enjoying the eye candy around, not necessarily doing anything wrong, from what you have said (with the other girls)I see a guy who is not necessarily bad, just enjoying the single lifestyle with his friend. He must decide if he wants to stay with you, get more serious, and commit more, or wants to be single? Sadly, sometimes even when we give them their freedom, and we are not controlling or jealous, they still abuse that.You definitely sound justified in how you feel, I'd feel the same as you. Some male opinions will be interesting to read...
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