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female
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*oel
writes: I dated someone who was in town to visit family and friends a while back. We have known each other for a couple of years through mutual friends. There has always been chemistry between us, but we had never acted on it before because we live far apart. Well, it sort of happened anyway. We ended up spending every day together for about 2 weeks until it was time for him to return home. (no sex) A day after he got home he offered to send me a ticket to come visit him. I showed up a week later. We spent a very romantic long weekend together. I was falling in love with him. After my return home we discussed what was to become of our relationship. Although I tend to view long distance relationships as a waste of time, I had developed feelings for him and wanted to pursue it anyway. He on the other hand was very pessimistic, but would not come to a decision.He had planned to come back for a party I was having, but didn't because he was busy at work. Unsure if the reason was really work or he had lost interest, I refrained from initiating contact with him. He continued to email and I would reply, but it seemed that things were fizzling out. On the day of my party I received a rather expensive gift from him in the mail. Something that would imply more than just a friendship. I tried to call and thank him but he would not answer or return my calls. Finally, I received an email from him telling me that his ex-girlfriend reappeared and expressed an interest in getting back together. He stated that he didn't know what he wanted, but felt that time was getting short for him to have a family. He's 40. (This girl broke things off with him because she wanted to see other people) I was very confused about the gift, but assumed since he was telling me about her, he must have made a decision to reunite with her. It hurt be pretty bad, but I thanked him for telling me and wished him the best of luck. Three weeks later I received an email from him. It was not informative at all about what was happening with him, it was just something silly. Why is this guy staying in contact with me? He does not have a history of being a "player". I do believe that he is worried about running out of time to have a family.I feel confused about what he is doing and how I should handle it.
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female
reader, Noel +, writes (9 July 2006):
Noel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is now July. The ex is gone. He has not made any attempt to work things out with me, yet he is STILL staying in contact with me. WHY??
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (2 February 2006):
 Sounds like you might be "Plan B", if things don't turn out well with his ex-gf. I know that sounds harsh; I'm sorry.
The mixed messages that you're getting seem to show that he doesn't really have his mind made up about what he's doing, so he's doing the best he can to keep you both on the line while he sizes up his options.
I guess we all do that sort of thing to some extent, but it's pretty cynical to be as overt as he is about it.
Ask yourself: how would you feel about him if I'm right in my assessment of his character? Would it change your feeling or would you shrug it off, for the pleasure of his company?
It's up to you to decide what to do next, but if I were you, I'd assume that his interests are elsewhere until he comes to you, independantly, and starts showing a consistant interest. The alternative is to wait around, putting your romantic life on hold, while he takes months or maybe years to decide if the Ex is really his one and only. And only a person without a shred of self-esteem would allow themselves to be treated so shabbily.
My suggestion? Give him a wide berth until he decides that he appreciates you, and is willing to concentrate on a relationship.
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