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male
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*nlighten_me_please
writes: My girlfriend and I are both 31. We currently live 2 hours apart but see each other 3 days a week. I love my girlfriend so much but we are always arguing over silly things. It’s mostly because she isn’t very good at compromise and I can be stubborn.However, last Friday I decided to call it a day with our relationship. It wasn’t because I didn’t love her or want to be her; it was that I couldn’t take how unhappy I was becoming with the arguments.When I told her she was understandably upset, as she is just as in love with me as I am with her. I told her the reasons why and she said she didn’t want it to be over.I told her that I wanted to be with her but not the arguments and she said that we should talk about it and try to resolve the issues. I told her that we’ve tried talking before but never got anywhere because of her reluctance to see that there is a problem. When we’ve tried discussing things in the past, she won’t listen to reason and just washes over the problems. We never resole thing properly, we just ‘kiss and make up’ and go back to normal.All the following week she called me, she emailed me, she text me and she MS Messengered me; constantly asking whether I wanted to get back together, if I was happy not being together or if it was what I really wanted.I said it wasn’t what I wanted and that I was unhappy without her but I thought it was for the best because things would never change. I said that if she could think of a solution to our problems then maybe we could see about making it work, because I couldn’t see things changing.Towards the end of the week she said she’d had a think about stuff and asked if I would go down to stay with her so we could chat about trying to see if we could resolve things. I said I would because I really wanted to clear the air and see if maybe we could overcome our problems. It would be interesting to see if now we would really talk about things, fully and not half-heartedly.When I got to hers she’d not long got up and was still in her PJ’s. We had a cuppa and then a bit of a hug but that was all. She got in the shower and I went to her car to set up a little surprise for her. (Basically somebody had broken the wing mirror off her car and because of the particular model of car; she could afford to get it repaired straight away.) So I had bought her a replacement mirror and went to swap the broken one for the new one.When I got back she was getting dressed and when she’d finished doing that, we made plans to head in town to get some supplies, i.e. food, booze, DVD, etc. At first she didn’t notice the mirror until she instinctively look at it when driving. When she saw it though, she was so pleased and couldn’t believe that I’d done that for her.The rest of the day went from strength to strength; she let me pick food for dinner and the DVD. Both of which, always had to be her choice in the past. In the evening we cuddled up on the sofa and she told me how wonderful and special I was. She told me how she couldn’t imagine me not being in her life and also that she loved me so much, no matter what. Things seemed just perfect, like this is how it should always be.On Saturday I suggested that we talk about our relationship but she said that we would spoil the weekend by dragging things up.In the afternoon we went out with another couple, who are friends of hers, and who I get on with really well with. She told them about how I fixed her mirror as a surprise the day before and how it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for her. We all got really drunk and ended up going back to their home. But not long after arriving there she passed out, so I woke her up and suggest we went home. She got up and we said our goodbyes to our hosts and proceeded to walk home.As we left we started to walk home, which wasn’t far, she said she wanted to get a taxi. I said that I wanted to walk and we’d struggle to get a taxi at that time of night anyway but also that the fresh air would probably do her good. So we continued to walk. As we did, she started to go in the wrong direction and I tried to tell her this. But she insisted that she knew best and I could go the way I wanted and she’d go the way she wanted. So I started to walk the correct way, stubbornly, and she started to walk her way. But not 20 seconds later when I turned to go after her, she was behind me following anyway. I continued to walk ahead and she continued to follow. Half way down the road the same thing happened again, she wanted to turn of the road and go the wrong way. This caused an argument because I told her to stop messing about and to just keep walking on so we could get home because I was starting to feel sick from the alcohol, as well as very tired.When we got back I got a glass of squash and went straight to bed ignoring her because I was angry and far too drunk to get into a debate. She just stayed up drinking more wine on her own. I woke up an hour or so later and she was not in bed so I went to see if she was okay. When I went to the living room she was still drinking and as I sat beside her, about to talk to her, she proceeded to pick up her phone and have a drunken chat with her Mom. So I just left her to it and went back to bed.On Sunday morning she refused to look at me or engage in civil conversation and asked me to leave. I tried to talk to her to see what the problem was but she just kept shouting at me to go home. I’d never seen her so annoyed about anything, it was like she was trying to punish me by give me ‘a taste of my own medicine’ or something.After sitting and trying to talk to her for a while, I got nothing more back from her than the responses: “You were so immature last night, not talking to me then walking off and leaving me”, “You were really nasty towards me last night”, “How you were to me, when we were walking home, was unforgivable”, and “Get out!” I tried to explain to her what actually happened when we were walking home, thinking that she was that drunk that she didn’t remember. I told her she was really drunk and was trying to go the wrong way. But she wouldn’t listen to any of it, saying that there was no point taking about it because it was over and because of how I behaved, I’ve even blown the chance of us even being friends.After finally realising that this was a lost cause trying to sort things out; I started to get all my belonging together for the journey home.As I was doing this I suddenly realise that my train ticket was not valid for weekend travel and that it could not be used until the following day. I told her this and her response was to buy another ticket, which she knew I couldn’t afford, and to get out.I pleaded with her to just let me sleep on the sofa until the morning and I would go first thing. But she refused saying she didn’t want to have to be with me any longer than necessary.As I was leaving she saw me out and said that she wished things could’ve been different and had hoped that we could’ve sorted things out but I’d spoiled everything. So I told her I was sorry that I’d upset her so much, even though I was sure why I had, and that I could see her mind was made up and there was nothing I could to change it. She went from looking angry to looking sad, as if she didn’t really want me to go after all. I told her that I still loved her very much and I walked away.I got to the train station and waited around for hours but then decided to go to the pub for some warmth. I text her saying I was in the pub and did she want to join me for a drink. I thought that by now she might’ve calmed down and wanted to at least see if we could part amicably and not just left as it was. But the reply I got was “Just go home. If you come back here (her flatmate, who I get on very well with) will call the Police. Go!”At no point did I say, or suggest, I was going to go back to hers. All I asked was if she fancied meeting for a drink. I would never have gone back there after being asked to leave and knowing that I wasn’t welcome. And she knows I wouldn’t.I spent the night in the waiting room of the train station, until the morning, waiting for my train. When I got home I emailed her asking why she’d suddenly gone from loving me to hating me in less than 24 hours. Her replies we just the same as Sunday morning with no explanation to why she was been this way. She asked if I slept in the station and when I said I did, she said I was clearly mad. But the thing is I couldn’t afford to by another ticket and she knew this.A bit later on I started to unpack my clothes and realised I’d left my Brother-In-Law’s tools in her car, which I had borrowed from him to replace her mirror. I spoke to my Sister to see if she could text her to ask her to send them back, which she did as well as try to call, but she didn’t reply. The next day I text her a really polite message basically asking her; if she had time could she possibly post the tools to my Sister as her husband needed them back for work urgently and that I was only meant to borrow them over the weekend, but again no reply. So I called her to ask if she was going to post the tools back or not. But no sooner than I had said “Hi”, she shouted at me “Just leave me alone” and slammed down the phone. I have not contacted her since, nor has she contacted me.I am so, so confused; what did I do wrong?I just don’t understand what is going on with her or in her head.Everything seemed ‘back on track’. What can I do to make things right again? What also is puzzling me is; how come it was okay for her to keep contacting and hassling me to get back together last week, but now I’m not allowed to call or email her, even just to ask for my belongings back?This is hurting me so much. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2006): there are two ways of solving this problem one is although you love her move on and get on with life and find someone who has got time to sit an listen and doesnt mess your head around or you can just sit and wait around for her to come around if she ever does but usaully when someone makes there mind up they dont go back
A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (21 March 2006):
 You have a right to get the tools back and if she calls the police just explain you need all of your stuff back. If you are very concerned text he saying that you will either send someone or will come for them yourself but have to get them back and if this is really a problem, then you can have the police escort you to make sure all is right.
The real problem is not only what the rest have said but that you and she seem to be at the least heavy binge drinkers.
Consider that you may have blacked out. In that state, you could have done or said something unforgivable. Your only hope then would be to decide you want her more than you want to be right.
Your question makes me think that you want to call the shots and you want her to take the responsibility. It also seems an easy solution to choose that every other time you go out that you trade off who chooses where.
Can you consider groveling? What if you were to learn that sometimes real power comes from loving her soooo much that you want her to make some decisions and that good, bad or indifferent, and even if she is hilariously wrong, that she can have one half of the say and that you might even give her a bit more because you love to watch her enjoy herself.
Re read your question and notice each time you assumed that your way was the only way and that each and every time you assumed she was incapable of reason and therefore in no position to have a say nor choose "correctly". Is it because you believe women can't think logically? Or just no one but you? Keep in mind you are not there advising billions of people daily and they manage to go on. Some would always choose to do things differently than you and still be great sucesses. There are always more than one road to sucess. ALWAYS.
When my BF and I had this problem, our therapist said that for one month, we were to say our wants out loud and if we both were not EXCITED not just in agreement but EXCITED about a choice, we were not to do either ones way but must find some new way to do it and to continue to brainstorm choices until we were both in love with the choice. Needless to say, we were stunned at how tough it was at first. It was also maddening. But eventually you get used to it and learn to not say a want unless it is a big want. So many times this happens when it does not matter as much to the other person and then why the heck not do it their way. After all, they really want to and you don't care this time. You quickly become EXCITED about doing it there way and look forward to you way when it matters a lot to you. Trust is key and usually the real problem.
And another thing here, People usually know there own home town even better than their visitors. Did you consider there may have been another way to go home that was faster than your way? If you knew this beyond all doubt and she refused to hear it and you knew the streets better than she. . . well we already know you would not listen and you would go your own way. You proved it the other night.
She may have been stunned that you respect her so little as to not even walk her home. Turning the other direction is not a gentlemanly thing to do. Leaving her to walk alone at night even if she was wrong could have been the end of more than just your relationship.
If you let her cool off and then write to her that you have considered that you were too drunk to think clearly and you are willing to listen to her side of the story without assuming she is wrong, and that she has the right to still never see you again but that you want to improve as a human being and that if you never know what you did you will be unable to do that, she might still refuse to talk to you.
Then call a mutual friend and say that you may have blacked out because you don't remember anything but walking home so could they tell you what she said happened? Then ASSUME FIRST THAT SHE IS RIGHT! There is no frustration greater than not getting the benefit of the doubt.
No matter what, her version of events are what she experienced. Even if she mistook them, they are just as real to her as yours are to you. She has a right to feel anyway that she actually does feel. Accept that and if you really being to accept you are not always right, then you have a chance to win her back.
But only a real change will keep her. You can't make her see anything but maybe if you show that it is okay to vulnerable to someone you love and that you will not always be right, she will want to relax into that as well.
Good luck- Remember that when it really doesn't matter practice giving in for the sheer delight of watching the woman you love react like a baby in the candy store or even a bull in a china shop! Both are really quite fun when you love your baby bull!
I hope for you the best. You are already on the "right" path just by being willing to be wrong. Asking for help is always a smart approach when you can't be (and aren’t) expected to know it all alone. Assume you have no idea about women in the future. It also is a smart move. They are not all wrong, just different.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (17 March 2006):
 Thanks Irish. I must say I picked up on it because I HAVE been that person. It's unhealthy feeling like you can never *give in*! Still ahve some of the personality traits now (lol) Thats why I fully sympathise with the poor guy. It all gets so of control sometimes and it takes a real shock to get things *back to normal*.
But this isnt something I would go thru again for anybody.
So enlighten me, I meant to say before that I really wish you all the luck in the world and hope things turn out for the best (whatever the best may be)
x
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A
female
reader, GeorgyGirl +, writes (16 March 2006):
I'm sorry, but I think it's best to just go your separate ways. You say you both love each other very much - but love isn't about shouting, arguing constantly and scoring points off each other.It's over. For whatever reason. Real happiness and real love is just around the corner, and you really will both be better off for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2006): Great advice Willy. I concur with you completely. After re-reading this post..it truely is a "battle of strong wills". You are very wise and astute to pick up on that. Negotiation, mutual respect and compromise is crucial to the happiness of any relationship.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (16 March 2006):
I am jsut going to go over what you have said in my own words and then see if maybe I can offer you an opinion as to were I see you and her are going wrong.
You live apart and you see each other 3 days a week. During this time she gets to do all the *chosing* when it comes to places to go, food to eat, films to watch. And neither of you are good at comprimise, to the point were you now appear to be scoring points off each other...it's a battle of wills which one of you has to win at all costs.
The night it all came to a head, you made the decision to finish with her (your choice) and she wasnt given a chance to air her side of the situation. So when you got back together for the weekend (your choice to give in and see her) she made every effort to let you have choice in what to do, what to eat etc. You really enjoyed this. I think this is because on a low level you like to be in charge.
The night out at the pub...you had both had too much to drink and I think you assumed that she had actually ahd more than she had "I tried to explain to her what actually happened when we were walking home, thinking that she was that drunk that she didn’t remember." You admit you were drunk as well, so how can you presume to tell her about her behaviour when you were being equally unreasonable? Even when she tries to tell you she was unhappy with your behaviour you are trying to take control. How would it have been so hard for you to get a taxi home? Why couldn't you have at least tried to get one to make her happy? Was it because it was her view and you have always taken the polar opposite? I think that that argument was just waiting to happen - you should have just said, yeah ok, I will try to book one. She had made efforts to make you ahppy, and besides fixing her mirror (impressive) you didnt seem to respect her wishes and wants. You say you wanted to talk, she didnt in case it ruined the weekend....can you really blame her? She was having a good time and she didnt want to spoil it!
I agree with Irish in a way - this girl has controlling behaviours and is manipulating you. BUT I will tell you something else, I think YOU are just as BAD!
I feel like I want to bang the pair of your heads together to make you see sense!
As for the last bit of your letter
"What also is puzzling me is; how come it was okay for her to keep contacting and hassling me to get back together last week, but now I’m not allowed to call or email her, even just to ask for my belongings back?"
You finished with her out of the blue and she wanted an explanation. But this time after the ruined weekend she has given you an explanation as to why you are no longer welcome in her life. You didnt listen and you didnt compromise. It would appear from what you ahve said that she actually did try to in order to make you ahppy.
Move on and forget this relationship. It doesnt sound like you ahve a particularly good blend of personalities to be going out together and it doesnt sounf healthy.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2006): I don't blame you for being confused..no one wants to go through this sort of emotional see-sawing. When your gf doesn't get her way, she likes to lash out, with 'meaness'. Do not permit this. Trust your gut and begin to examine your situation, without blaming yourself. From what I read, you might be involved with a woman who may be troubled, she also may like to manipulate and 'control' this relationship, way too much. That's not healthy. And unless she learns that relationships need..givingness, balance, maturity, equality and respect, and a ton of negotiation, you may need to be strong and stop responding back until she wants to discuss your relationship problems, openly, maturely and lovingly. Now's the time for her to behave maturely and calmly. No one should be permitted to blow up a relationship with their silly antics and acting-out behaviors. You need to protect yourself because this will cause further pain for you, in the future. You might consider taking care of yourself and learn from this relationship, better ways of providing the loving commitment you want, in the future. Unless she makes some changes, you will never have this with her. She might want to seek the help of a professional..I am sorry, this is tough. However, you need to back away from her and detach and do not allow this sort of behaviour to rule your emotions and your life. It's unfair and she needs to seek some help for her emotional problems. Perhaps if she does, relationship boundries in regards to 'respect' may have to be implemented. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, enlighten_me_please +, writes (16 March 2006):
enlighten_me_please is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add that after she slammed the phone down on me; I did send her an email explaining the reason why I was calling. But she has sent neither a response to the email nor the tools back.
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