| A
female
,
*andy123
writes: We were married for 22yrs, a turbulent marriage, but loved each deeply, 3 grown up children now, my ex was a heavy drinker and an angry man. After a few break ups my ex always begged for another chance. In the last 3 yrs i've had cancer twice (now recovered)he looked after me well but the drinking got worse. I divorced him in dec 05, but found it so lonely i asked to try again he turned me away, he said i'd hurt him too much by divorcing him. Two weeks ago he sent me texts hinting for us to get back together, i answered but ignored the last one, he has now announced his engagement to somebody hes been seeing for a few weeks. I cant stand it the thought of him with someone else when we've been through so much together, please help me, is this new relationship he's got real?
View related questions:
divorce, get back together, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2006): I do not know if I help you or not. I am solving a problem from the other side at the moment. The ex-wife from my partner cannot get over the divorce. Respective, she left her husband 1998 and wanted her place to be free foe ever just for the case, or more precisely for her feeling, that there is no better human being in the word who could replace her. I have been living with my partner more than two years, I left my country and the family for him and that woman keeps writing him love letters. Her wording is about love, but acting has devastating impact on our relationship on her kids and on her as well. For all of us - lets take a life as an experience, we all spent years in marriages, but with the divorce no matter how difficult it was the life does not end. Let your man go. Keep for your self the best memories from the time you spent together, be greatful that you are still winning over your illness and aim your soul towards the freedom. 22 years with one man was a lot. I also love monogamic relationship, but...
Many reagrads
Magalena
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2006): sandy i too hav read your second post i know exactly how you feel can't bear the thought of them together is he happier with this new g/f will he marry her all these thought try to put them from your mind as irish has said i know it hard but get angry how dare he treat u like this hate him for what he had done not just to you but your family think of all the bad times when he lied let you down believe me it works & you will think what am i so depressed about he's someone elses problem now lol i knw it hard as you keep thinking he has replaced you but he never will you are the mother of his kids you were with him for 22yrs prob the best he'll ever have so cheer up go to the doc and tlk to someone who you trust and just keep going take care istill know how you feel as i think like you but getting better every day
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2006): sandy i too hav read your second post i know exactly how you feel can't bear the thought of them together is he happier with this new g/f will he marry her all these thought try to put them from your mind as irish has said i know it hard but get angry how dare he treat u like this hate him for what he had done not just to you but your family think of all the bad times when he lied let you down believe me it works & you will think what am i so depressed about he's someone elses problem now lol i knw it hard as you keep thinking he has replaced you but he never will you are the mother of his kids you were with him for 22yrs prob the best he'll ever have so cheer up go to the doc and tlk to someone who you trust and just keep going take care istill know how you feel as i think like you but getting better every day
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2006): I just read your second posting. Just some more thoughts in regards to your situation. Hun, you were in a 'drama-driven' unhealthy marriage with a man who abused and disrespected you. Have you ever thought why you stayed with this fellow for so many years and stood for all this anger and hurt? Recovering and overcoming life's painful moments caused by this man, will take some work and much time for you. But there comes a time when you have to do something to help yourself. It's a time of finding your self-worth, your courage, doing some soul-searching, and gut-wrenching self-honesty. You can't change your circumstance nor this man...he's made his choice, now you have to change yourself by becoming stronger and accepting-that it's over. You have to work hard at getting 'this man out of your system', hun. You are addicted to him-he's become a habit you are struggling to break. No one can advise or tell you what to do..you have to 'want' to help yourself, hun. Suicide is a terrifying word-so your situation is getting serious-a matter of survival for you. Please, do something..get proactive! Find a counselor committed to restoring broken hearts and the helping people deal with the devastating aftermath. Find some trusted, loving friends or family that are supportive. Hug your grandchild, your children close to you. Hold onto that family. Because I'm hoping this will give you strength and purpose to keep going. My heart is with you...good luck and begin healing today. Take Care
...............................
A
female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (17 March 2006):
 Sandy, I really think you would benefit from some sort of outside help here. You're so upset that you're not thinking straught, and you need some support in this situation. If you're in the UK, contact Al-Anon (http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/) who offer understanding, strength and hope to anyone whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else’s drinking. They also have branches all over the US, so Google for your local group if you're over there. Please do this, I'm worried that you're trying to deal with too much alone, and I would hate to think you're missing out on some really valuable help.
...............................
A
female
reader, sandy123 +, writes (17 March 2006):
sandy123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your replies they have all helped, i still am extremely depressed, suicidal i cant bear the thought of them together, he is still drinking and acting like a stupid teenager getting his eyebrow and nipple pierced. he asks everybody about me all the time and is convinced i'm with somebody when i'm not, i just dont know how to move on. i divorced him to teach him a lesson, our two youngest despise him and our oldest daughter tolerates him, she wont have anything to do with the wedding, he keeps asking for our grand daughter to be bridesmaid, thats just like rubbing salt in the wound, my daughter has said she wont allow it, also his fiance was living with a taxi driver a few months ago. what is going on?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2006): this is very similar to me together 18 yrs on/off he always came back then he cheated i found out we split he still always came back then he met some1 went out a few months then moved in with her still came back cause i wanted him back but now after so many fights we can't even tlk walk past each other in the street including our kid and it makes me so sad i still love him but what can u do just get on with it no ur ex won't change he mite be good at covering up to new g/f but she will find out in the end these guys don't change but if u put up with it for 22 yrs makes u wonder what do your kids think? atleast u have PEACE now no DRAMAS as i call it take time to think what you want it mite not be him
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2006): You and your husband still have very strong feelings for each other, albeit, very dysfunctional, tortured, unhealthy feelings. I think you know this. Abuse, meaness and lashing out has been a large part of your marriage to each other. This is why he called to tell you he was engaged. He was lashing out-he wanted to hurt you and he has succeeded. Out of all this, I feel sorry for the new fiancee..she has have fallen in love with a very confused man who is not over his 'toxic' love for his wife, yet.
I think it's time for you to begin 'healing' and realizing your true self-worth as a woman. The only way you will succeed is to detach, stop all contact with the ex and begin your recovery. Write him a letter and let him know that you do not want to be in contact any longer. Wish him happiness with his new fiancee and tell him that you do not need any more friends. And stick to this plan. And try to remember, what you are looking for in life. A sense of peace, a sense of value. Give that to yourself. Recovery will take time..don't look for someone to replace your husband, yet. Work on yourself and get healthy and build your self-esteem so the next time a man walks in your life...you will know the signs of a giving , true, respectful love and you will not permit such a toxic, unhealthy love, you shared with your husband. What you really deserve is a committed relationship with a man who loves you with all his heart and soul. Be courageous and hold out for the best, hun.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (16 March 2006):
 Firstly you have to ask yourself if you want to get back together with your ex husband and give your relationship another go for all the right reasons, or just because you are lonely and he has said he's meet someone else and you can't bear the thought of anyone else having him?
Are you still in love with him?
Does he say he still loves you, and can he forgive you the divorce?
If you do want another chance to see if you can work things out you should tell him so, take it slowly at first and try to resolve the problems that caused the split in the first place, I am assuming it was the drink, does he still drink? There's no point getting back together for the same problems to arise again, you will end up back where you started and the relationship will probably fail again. You have not been divorced long, has he suddenly changed?
22 years is a long time to be with someone and there is no doubt a lot of history between you, of course the thought of him remarrying has upset you, its like someone else stepping on what you consider your territory, even though you are divorced now, also it means your chance for a reconcilliation has gone.
You no doubt hurt your ex's feelings when you divorced him, he had after all been forgiven in the past and most likely thought he would be again. I can see why he refused your offer of another chance, he probably feels a bit threatened by your new found strenghth, and maybe fears if you got back together you will finish with him should he mess up again, maybe he can't bear the hurt of separating all over again.
Did you divorce him because the relationship had become unbearable, or to teach him a lesson in the hope he would change? Has he changed?
Whether your ex's new relationship is real or not is beside the point, you have to make your mind up whether you really want him, or if you are just finding the thought of him moving on with someone else unbearable.
You have no right in getting back with you ex just so you are no longer lonely and to ensure no one else has him, he deserves to be in a happy relationship as much as you do. Think carefully about your reasons for reconcilliation, do not be selfish in your decision. You have many questions to ask yourself and there are probably many questions you should ask your ex before you try to get him back.
Be honest with yourself and with him and i'm sure whatever you decide jointly will be for the best.
May I just add that although I have nothing against texting, I feel these situations are better dealt with face to face, get together and talk!
Good luck!
...............................
|
