A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girlfriend have been together since we were about 18, 3 and a half years. We've had our troubles and arguments, and on the most part got through them. We got to the stage where we were having silly arguments a lot, over petty things. We spoke and my girlfriend said she's not sure if she wants it anymore because of the arguing and how we were treating each other. I said we could stop the silly stuff and improve and have a more "adult" relationship and have our own lives and have each other. Since then we've been getting on well and having fun on the most part, but have felt a bit awkward being affectionate and so far we've only had pecks on the lips as full kissing feels a little strange. Its been 3 weeks now, and I'm not sure how to proceed as after spending the weekend away with my family, she said her feelings are not very strong at the moment, although she says she wants everything to be ok and for us to get through this, she's just not sure if we will and if we will really have that better relationship or not. I'm thinking we need to see each other less, and go out for nice meals etc and enjoy ourselves, without the pressure of "having" to feel anything at the moment, as being under pressure to feel things will never work.Any advice please? :-(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Hi thanks for the update. Maybe if you re-post the question at a different time of day, you might get some answers from some of the others. I'm sorry to hear you have broken up. You've told her how you feel now it is best to give her some space to sort her head out. You could write everything down as if you are writing a letter to her (but don't give it her at the moment) then you will like you have got everything off your chest. My daughter who is 20, left a really nice who she was with for 3 years because of some little problems and arguments and because he would not change a couple of his little ways (moodiness etc) and she said she felt she was 'too young to commit to a long term relationship' and she is open to the possibility that they might get together again one day but for now she wants her freedom. In the meantime concentrate on yourself. I know it is hard and painful and maybe you still have some hope but try and make a full interesting life for yourself - there are loads of great people out there for friendship/fun/romance if you open yourself up to it. Take care. x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Thanks again for your kind and honest words, they are much appreciated. Unfortunately, my girlfriend, or now I should say "ex-girlfriend" broke up with me tonight. She said she just doesnt have them feelings anymore and she wants to get her life back on track as things are coming up like her parents moving etc. She doesnt need or want the added pressure our relationship was bringing her.
I understand why and I do agree that it may of just come to an end, but i think and still think that if we got through the bad patch, things could've been great. I did say I dont like the thought of not seeing her anymore at all, and she said the same, and I also said who knows what the future holds and never say never. She did say that if in a month or so she thinks she's made a mistake, then who knows what could happen.
We had a cuddle before I left, I told her I love her and she said she loves me too, hugged some more and then went, but she was very clear in saying this isnt a break, its over so im not holding out any hope. I think I took it quite well though, and dont feel that bad to be honest, im wondering why that is?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Hi I answered before and just saw your reply. It's one of those things - she won't know if she really wants the relationship unless she has the chance to miss it and miss you. It's hard but if you pressure her you will definitely push her away so stick with it and see how it goes. Take it easy and at her pace. If you get to a point where you can't tolerate it and it starts to get to you, then you may need to talk about whether you are on or off and whether or not to have a proper 'break' or just move on with your own life. I know it's hard but most of us have been in this situation at one time or other.
Maybe she is going through her own 'stuff' and it is not a reflection of you. She is young and one could argue she is being sensible. I know SO many people who got married between ages 19 and 23 and it failed miserably cos they were too young and grew to dislike the adults that each other became. Equally I know others who had problems but stuck with it and worked it out. Maybe have a talk with her about it but don't pressure her.
My own daughter is 19 and she and her ex boyfriend has this problem and he 'kept pushing' (her words) to know whether they would stay together and she said in the end it was that that pushed her away and so she split up with him and is going out with someone else. Let her be to do it at her own pace. Find a time to talk to her about it when the mood is right and limit it to a certain amount of time and then have a really good time with her. Show her what she will be missing if you both give up on it. There is no magic answer to these things. The only people we can control are ourselves so I guess you must try to look after yourself and make your life full and satisfying happy and fun, so that she is a bonus rather than an essential. And that is no disrespect to her but you have to look after yourself too. You can but try and I wish you luck with it and hope it works out how you would like. Take care
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Thanks very much for your reply, it was a very helpful read. We were just arguing over silly stuff, of no or little real importance.. problem now is that although we are having fun, she says I talk about it too much and she doesn't like all the pressure etc... I did try to kiss her properly a few times yesterday, which I guess she doesn't want, and that led to her saying she's not sure if she wants it anymore as she cant take all the pressure etc every day. She said she think she needs some time to sort her head out and be on her own. I took from that, that she doesn't know what she wants, but the pressure and stuff isnt helping her at all, whereas if we stopped all that, it may give her head time to sort itself out relax a bit. I tried to tell her that it doesnt matter what she feels at the moment, and that if she doesnt feel affection right now, thats ok, because she doesnt *have* too this early on.I said there doesn't have to be pressure but its not easy. Im so worried and scared that she doesn't want me anymore, because although I may not have shown her in the last 6 months, I do really love her and want her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I think you sound rather sensible actually. You are young at 21 (that is not meant to sound patronising but I am 40 so it's young from where I'm sitting!) but it sounds as though you have been maturing throughout the duration of the relationship and you want to stop acting like teenagers over petty things and make the most of your relationship as adults. When there have been problems and arguments it is natural for feelings to 'dull over' a bit and it can leave you feeling exhausted and flaked out and with a sort of 'can't be bothered' attitude towards the relationship (this has happened to me personally, recently). This is a good point for you both to decide what you want and need from a fulfilling relationship and look at what you have with each other and see if it can work.
You are right, you don't need to feel pressure to feel emotions. Everyone goes through their own individual emotional stuff anyway, which has nothing to do with their partner but is intrinsic to them and sometimes they happen to be in a relationship whilst this is happening so it can complicate the relationship.
You don't mention either of you being interested in other people, which is a good sign. What did you argue about by the way? You said it was petty stuff so that could just be to do with being teenagers who are becoming adults???
I would suggest continuing to see each other but take it easy and be spontaneous, also spend time apart/alone/with friends/doing fun things that you life, family etc .. and when you ARE together, just be NICE to each other and communicate, do nice thoughtful things to and for each other and yes nice meals is a good idea, try places that you will both like and make an effort to look nice etc etc and it might re-ignite the spark.
I feel a bit like this myself at the moment with my long term partner and we are having 'space' from each other. Although we still speak once a day on the phone, we are trying to keep it light and talk about films/books/make some jokes/flirt a bit etc and we have been meeting for just lunch or a drink once a week and we do spend SOME time talking about the problems cos we need to if this is going to work. And it is actually working slowly but surely. I would say, take your time, enjoy each other and see how it goes. Talk through any problems with a view to resolving them and moving forward and make sure to have fun.
Show her you care and she will appreciate that. Good luck and I'm sure you will get some other (probably a lot better than mine!) answers from all these wise ones that come on here regularly to advise us. And remember, if something is meant to be, it will be be but all relationships take nurturing and thought. I like your approach to your own problem. You sound as though you want it to work. Also, re kissing etc, maybe she just wants to know that you really appreciate her for her - it's easy to take kissing/sex for granted with long term partners and sometimes it can be ok for that to take a back seat, as long as it is not done in a 'gamey' way. I'll come back to this page cos I'm interested to know what the others will say. Take heart from the fact that you both want to make it work and have fun and enjoy! Take care x
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