A
female
age
41-50,
*ma_is_lost
writes:I've been with my boyfriend since February. things were going great. he came to my mums wedding, held my hand when i was in hospital recently and we moved in together 5 weeks ago.he's an only child and has lived away from home before now but is essentailly a mummys boy who does like to have his own space. i accepted all of this at the outset. i am more outgoing and like to talk things through (dont all women?)things have been different since moving in. we used to talk about the future and that stopped, sex stopped, kissing me when he came in from work stopped.Thursday night we had a row about this and i asked him what had changed.he said he has. he said he meant all the things he said about the future but he has since changed his mind. he said he couldnt deal with 'this' and left at midnight - going to his parents.Friday - yesterday - he came back after work (i was getting ready for my works do which he was supposed to be coming to) and said that he doesnt want any of what we have. the new flat, the relationship, me.he says he loves me but not like he used to and that he isnt coming back.so i'm left with a flat i cant afford and living on my own ( I lived in a shared house when we met because i'm really not good at living on my own)i'm not sure there is anything i can do or say to fix this. i cant stop crying, got really drunk at the work do last night and although self inflicted i feel like death.could i have seen this coming?? should i have seen this comingi feel like an idiot.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (28 November 2009):
 Are there men who won't run away from a relationship, who want to be with someone long term, until the day they die?
Yes, they are called husbands. You can't have them.
Sure, there are some single ones becoming available slowly (18+ years delivery time) but competition for them is fears and it is frowned up on to make one yourself.
They are out there. You just have to keep looking.
You know the saying "a girl has to kiss many a frog to find her prince". What girls forget is that it is KISS, not shag up with. Basically, while you wasted time with this guy, the right guy might have passed you by.
Next time, test the waters a bit more, but don't be afraid to try either. This one got cold feet at the last minute, a year later, he might have been ready. bad luck, try another one.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (28 November 2009):
You will be strong enough to move eventually, so stay as long as you can afford to.
In answer to your other question, yes, there are decent men out there who are emotionally mature enough to deal with commitment.
You just got unlucky and picked a useless one this time.
You'll get through this and you'll be so much stronger.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Ema_is_lost +, writes (28 November 2009):
Ema_is_lost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyour replies have me both in tears and laughing outloud... thank you.
it is a 1 bed apartment and so can't get a room mate. his name is on the tenancy so he is responsible foor half. i earn more than him and the deal at the time of moving in was that i would pay the rent and he would pay the bills.
he has offered to continue to pay the bills until the 6 months is up and the tenancy ends.
i will speak to the landlord about ending the tenancy sooner - we had to really fight to get this place so i'm sure it wouldnt be difficult to re-let.
its just that we have been here 5 weeks - not long enough to unpack some of the boxes! i'm not ready or strong enough to move again
his gesture to pay the bills seems noble enough (fingers crossed he sticks to it) and i am definitly taking him up on that as otherwise i would end up in the shit. its just that i am so angry with him for leading me up this garden path and then slamming the door shut in my face.
i always wanted to be with someone who was bigger than me - not just in stature but in charachter. are there really men out there who will care about a relationship as much as we do. who wouldnt run away at the first bump in the road?
committment is a two way street surely?
i am resolute that i wouldnt take him back - i couldnt go through this again and its bound to happen if we try to put a plaster over the heamorhage of his immaturity.
i think i fear the loneliness most... will this pass?
x
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (28 November 2009):
Perhaps...
He did need his own space you say, so when did you notice this?
There is a huge difference between dating someone, and living with someone.
When you date, you do it on your terms, when you feel like it, at appointed time and the rest of the time is your own. Think about it, since you are both adults I presume you started dating only a day or so a week and then on days like friday/saturday because the rest of the week you are busy with work and such. Count the number of hours you saw each other then vs when you moved in together.
Clearly he liked the dating period, when he saw you when he wanted to and had plenty of time to himself. But constantly being together was not what he wanted. There were probably signs, maybe he never stayed over for long at your house (or you at his), or kept stuff separated.
I think another clue might have been what has lead up to you being responsible for the flat. It isn't co-owned? Why not? You two made a commitment together when you bought/rented the flat, that means he has a responsibility.
But shit happens, for practical advice, is it possible to get a roommate?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (28 November 2009):
No, he hid this and he played the part of loving boyfriend.
Rather than sorting things out when he had doubts, he acted normal and let it get too much and now he's run away.
I think you need to have a good cry, let it all out and then when you are done, stand up and realise you are a lady and you will deal with this.
So start packing, start looking for a place to live online. Check your rental contract to see how much leaving early will cost you both.
Make a list of everything you need to do.
Throw yourself into the practical side of all this and you can deal with the emotional side bit by bit as you go on.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): He's the idiot. Girl I've been in your shoes. And as shitty as it gets when men flip around like that, they are immature boys who don't know themselves or the real world. Don't give up hope on men, I haven't.
I was once engaged to a man and we lived together, but after a year he started to "change his mind" about what he felt for me. So he dumped me, changed his mind again saying he loved me above all else, next fight or issue that came along he'd get cold feet again.
Then the next man I dated, he was the one who suggested we move in together (after close to a year and a half) and everything was wonderful, until a few days after he and I agreed to look for a place he "changed his mind" about how he felt for me. Only to change it back when I left and pursued me for over a year. Never got back together with him either.
Now this man of yours moves in with you, and has a change of heart. Where does this come from? God knows. Immaturity if you ask me. And it hurts like shit because you could never see it coming. You were a good girlfriend, and trusted his love for you to be true, but I guess he was a fake.
What we learn is: some guys just are like that? I still believe there are mature men out there though who understand what a commitment means. It doesnt mean running at first bump you hit on the road. And also: responsibility. He has a responsibility to PAY for half of the rent of that apartment. After all you got it together. Is his name on the lease? Then he pays. Or you could rent out to someone else to live with you if there's two bedrooms.
If not, it sucks, but you gotta pack up your bags again and get a cheaper place. I'd still demand for him to pay his share of the rent until you get to move out though, it's only fair after he bailed on you like he did. The apartment isn't yours, and neither was it the intent that you'd pay for it alone. If you signed up for a contract of a set amount of months, he needs to pay his share, or you get a roomie.
And do yourself a favor: DONT TAKE HIM BACK. I tried that whole "take him back" thing with my ex-fiancee, everytime he pleaded for me to take him back, when he was the one who had left. He bought me roses, said the sweetest words, confessed his love and re-assured me he wanted to marry me. But then next fight he proved what a whimsy immature boy he truly was and ran away with his tail between his legs. Don't make the mistake of taking back a wuss. He left. He stays out. You gotta take responsibility for your actions.
And in time, your heart will heal.
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A
female
reader, domybest +, writes (28 November 2009):
You couldn't have seen this coming, he agreed to move in with you and at the time he probably thought he did. Sometimes things don't work out. But that's ok. Its a learning curve.
Ask friends if they wanna move in, or ask to move back into your houseshare.
You will get through it, and you will come out stronger. Just stick with your friends x
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