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*oncerned parent2
writes:I have a 21 year old son, he has been dating his girl friend for 2 years, she is 19. They are both great kids.... when they are not together. Together as a couple they are poison. They think they love each other but both my wife and I and her parents agree that they are ruining each others lives. I have seen both of them get physically abusive towards each other. They fight daily, and I mean fight, hit, scream, throw things. They are both jealous if the other person as much as breathes in the direction of the opposite sex. Then they break up, then the whole ordeal of depression, stress, binge drinking, not wanting to live with out the other starts. Then in a few weeks they are back together and the cycle continues I honestly worry that they will kill each other. They have lost friendships due to the attitudes when they are together. What can we do as a parents to make them see even that they should not be together?
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Posionious relationships are awfull. As you say, they've got into the habit of fighting, then breaking up, just to get back together as soon as possible. Brings to mind, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.
I suggest you ask them both to go to marriage guidance/relationship therapy. They are getting something out of the explosions, it happens often because they enjoy it. Kind of makes love dramatic and exciting. Instead of talking and behaving like adults, they'd rather make a drama out of love, and make it painfull.
Getting them to go to counselling together, will show them better ways to argue and fight, and find out what's at the bottom of these extreme swings of emotion. A third person who is not family is just what they need to show how disfunctional their relationship has become.
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (17 September 2010):
I am going to go out on a limb here and tell you that you can try to have a dialogue with your son about people with personality disorders. You don't have to start out blaming him or telling him his girlfriend is an abuser, but from your descriptions it seems that his girlfriend is quite disordered. Her parents saying they are going to call the police (I assume to have him arrested) are probably hearing her smear campaign about your son...but I am pretty convinced that she is the one with the disorder, she may be bipolar and untreated which is actually a better diagnosis than the personality disorder because it is treatable with therapy and medication and is not indicative of a character disorder that a person has that is unchangeable.
Like I said only a professional can diagnose, but if your son has lived it, when he reads about women with Borderline Personality Disorder and he feels like someone wrote the book about his relationship, then that is pretty much all the diagnosis you need. She at least has enough of the traits of a personality disorder to make her a very dangerous and damaging person to be in love with.
It's a very twisted relationship that you have with these people and they do a number on your soul, your world view and often the non-borderline partner starts acting like the Borderline, it's a defense mechanism.
Any way a great place to start is this site below because it is written for men about borderline women. Borderline Personality Disorder is the most common personality disorder out there and the general public has no education or awareness about this and the problems that it causes for people who are in relationship with them. It's a shame that is a topic that isn't discussed because we could all save ourselves a lot of pain and suffering if we can learn to identify the signs of pathology in women and in men. Their behavior is predictable, the romantic relationship with someone with an Axis II, Cluster B personality disorder ALWAYS follows the same progression. Their behavior, the things they do in relationship is always exactly the same surrounding the same core issues and distorted thinking, inability to regulate emotions and this is because it is a real mental problem, much like cancer it has a stages that are predictable.
This is going to be a difficult thing to convince anyone of, you have to give them the material and let them digest and wrap their brain around it, and leaving a toxic relationship with a Borderline is extremely difficult because of the enmeshment between the non borderline and the borderline, it's not love, it's total identity enmeshment and that will not last, it can't.
Perhaps if your son reads some of this, he will come to realize that he can't fix his girlfriend or their relationship, that this isn't his fault, he is a lovable person and he needs to get away from her to save his own
sanity.
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2010/02/24/how-abusive-women-brainwash-you/
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2010/05/04/how-do-i-get-my-crazy-abusive-girlfriend-out-of-my-house-and-my-life/
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/04/20/can-a-man-break-the-cycle-of-emotional-abuse-after-being-with-a-crazy-narcissistic-or-borderline-wife-or-girlfriend/
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): Yuck.... this is a tough situation... the only thing you can do is try to be there for them through the thick of it as much as possible, as it plays out. Be supportive of couples counseling for them, but if that doesn't work, it'll just have to play out to its final ugly end... and as a parent all you can do is be there to support with however you can. Parenting is not a piece of cake, and it does not end at 18 unfortunately, it is impossible to emotionally distance yourself, but after a certain point you have to just stand back a little bit, because life is not perfect... everyone learns something the hard way in this life... and it looks like those two are in the middle of doing just that! It's a natural process that must unfold sometimes, unfortunately.
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male
reader, concerned parent2 +, writes (17 September 2010):
concerned parent2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy son does live at home (rent free), but he does have a job. He pays for his oen car, credit cards etc.
As for his past, I have never seen him get angry before, he has had other girl friends in the past and they seemed to get along great. He never got into any fights in school or anything like that. Yes, I have seen first hand binge drinking which usually occurs as soon as they break up. It will be a full week on non stop drunken (passed out) nights. I have witness 3 different physical attacks 2 of which where her attacking him and one where he did her. I have had to physically step in and break them up. I was shocked to him that way. After wards I talked to him about it and he acted like it wasnt a huge deal. 20 minutes after on attack on him (she had been hitting him and grab a book end and hit him with it) they were cuddling on the couch watching a movie.
I have talked to her parents and they actually are considering going to the police, they are worried that in oen of their fights that she may get hurt. No parent wants to see their child arrested but I do see their point. I just wish I could help in some way before it gets to that point.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Not sure if you can do anything? Definitely not in the open at least! What about you remove your son from the situation for a period though? You go on a vacation together for a while and let him relax and see a different side of life, or scramble up enough money to send him backpacking with some friends or go somewhere he always wanted. Obviously not bringing his girlfriend. Often some time away can help to put perspective on things. But, it must not be obvious that you want to interfere with their relationship!
Trying to put him in a new environment that will make him meet new people can help as well, because with new acquaintances you will also gain a new perspective. The only way he can break loose is if he himself wants to. The opposite could of course happen though, that he will get more determined about staying in the relationship. Hopefully with some new methods on how to solve their problems.
Therapy could also be a good thing, but suggesting that he goes to it will give off a horrible image. But if you can try and slip it in all innocently, it could be an idea. Again it is about gaining perspective. Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for all the trees.
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (16 September 2010):
Honestly, it sounds to me like one or the other of these two has a personality disorder, most likely the girl. Borderline Personality Disorder. It doesn't mean that they can't be great kids when on their own, but it does indicate that there is a pattern of intense personal relationships with frequent break ups, substance abuse or self harming, suicidal ideation, black and white thinking...you are either all good or all bad, that's called splitting. Extreme mood swings, rage episodes that the triggers are sometimes difficult to spot. Depression, a fear of abandonment and trying to avoid it at all costs.
Only a professional can diagnose a personality disorder. If her parents have had their own problems getting along with their daughter then perhaps they can convince her to go to a therapist and get some treatment. It requires years of therapy for a Borderline to get better, and the prognosis is poor, medication doesn't really help, anger management classes and couples counseling makes it worse, but individual therapy where the Borderline can get out of their dichotomous thinking patterns, learn better coping skills can greatly improve their lives and relationships.
It's just an observation so I wanted to make you aware of this.
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (16 September 2010):
Wow, this is a tough one especially since your son is considered an adult.
I am not sure there is much you can do except to point out to him his behavior and how toxic this relationship is.
You seem to know of instances of binge drinking and physical abuse. If you witness these things, I would consider calling the authorities so they can put someone in jail. Then your son will most likely have a court ordered anger management class and it should sink in to him that he has a drinking problem and an anger problem.
Has he acted this way in the past, with other girlfriends?
Does he have an addiction problem or a conduct problem when he was a kid?
Have you spoken to the girl's parents about your concerns, saying that you don't expect them to fix the situation but that you wanted to know what their thoughts were and if they had spoken to their daughter about how unhealthy this relationship is for her?
More than likely this relationship will end soon enough, but I can understand that you fear someone will really get hurt.
I know it seems radical to call the cops on your kids, but it's called tough love, you can't enable this kind of behavior.
Do you financially support your son? Stop if if you are....he needs to learn to take responsibilty for himself and his actions and he won't do that if their are no real consequences to his behavior.
I know that isn't the answers you probably were hoping for, but that is the most I can advise, other than getting a professional counselor involved, but first you have to get your son to agree to go to therapy.
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