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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My best friend and her boyfriend have been together for just over a year. Its her first serious relationship - well her first real boyfriend if you like.They got together literally just weeks after his last long term relationship ended, and more or less right away he was talking to her about buying a house together!!my friend told me about this and said she told him she is not ready. He comes across as a controling and maybe manipulative man behind the scenes, to my face he is quite nice tho. He contacted me last night and told me they are looking for a house together - miles away from here! My friend hasn't told me this, and I am really concerned she's gonna make a huge mistake if she goes ahead with this.And - just a bit of background info on him - he was also seeing another mate of mine when he and my bezzie got together, telling my bezzie he had stopped it and that it was all her, and I know this was not the case. He also comments on the way i look sometimes when my bezzie is not around.What do i do? get involved? or leave her to it??
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (1 August 2007):
 It's a slippery slope and it depends on how much she loves him. If she's blinded by love, she will not believe a word you tell her, and it could ruin your friendship. But if she hasn't fallen completely head-over-heels, she'll probably welcome the information so she can keep her eyes open in this relationship. Him wanting to move her away from her friends is a common sign of someone who is controlling. Once he isolates her from her friends and family, she will be more dependent on him for all her needs, socially and emotionally. It's part of what a controller does. I'd take a chance and talk to her about what you see, how he acts when she's not in the room, and what you know about the other women etc. If it causes strain between you, just know that even though she may react harshly toward you, she will probably still consider what you've told her and eventually when she figures out it was the truth, she'll want to be your friend again. I think buying a house would be a bad idea, he just gives him more control and he probably won't even have her name on the deed, mark my word.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 August 2007):
 I would just advise her to make sure a lawyer is involved with their buying a house together. If they are not legally married to each other she could get screwed if they break up and have to sell the house. As far as the character of her boyfriend goes I think I would keep my mouth shut and make sure he know that you would never hurt your friend or do anything behind her back.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (1 August 2007):
 Invite your bezzie out to coffee/dinner/etc. just the two of you. Tell her you'll support whatever choice she makes, but you want to make sure she has all the facts. Tell her everything you know about him, but try not to be combative (she may get defensive and start defending him rather than listening if you're not extremely careful).
Ask her what she wants to do, and validate her feelings. Tell her she has the right to feel like she's not ready, and that she deserves to be able to make her own choices. Right now she's only getting input from him, and it sounds like he's drowning out her misgivings with his propaganda. Give her some space to listen to her own head.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2007): Tell her all the facts about him, even that he makes comments about you. Tell her the way you see him. If she doesn't take your stance on the issue, there's nothing you can do except let her learn from her mistake. But I think you should tell her what you think about this guy & everything else.
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