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female
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anonymous
writes:My bloke got divorced after 25 years because he was very unhappy and we got together again having been childhood sweethearts. He didn’t allow himself the time to recover from his marriage but rather jumped straight from one thing to the other. As you can imagine, it has been tough as I am not perfect and I also had to get through his grieving process with him. Sometime he didn’t know what he wanted and I am sure sometimes he wondered whether he had made the right choice.This showed itself in things from being suicidal to sending sad texts to the ex on anniversaries, to saying “Why couldn’t she have just LOVED me” out loud. He even asked his daughter to check out with his ex wife whether they should consider getting back together. All the time he was yelling me he loved me and needing me to love him back.Now, five years later and she is remarrying but has been living with e someone for two years. However he gave all material goods to her having been pressured by his grown-up daughters who said they would never speak to him again otherwise. So he has been angry about that and his daughters regret it.He still says he loves me and although he still cares about her but nothing compared to how he thinks about me. I had a breakdown last summer over all this. Things have been calmed but I am completely unable to cope with anything to do with his ex wife. She sends texts with x at the end of each message, he sends similar back. It enrages me. He insists that he will continue to send her a birthday message each year or whatever and add kisses. She is the mother of his kids, he was with her for 25 years etc. In my mind they are DIVORCED, considering she is remarrying why does he need to keep up a relationship with her. It has no bearing on his relationship with his kids. One still lives at home but I have no problem with him calling his child there. His kids are adults. It is driving me insane that he can’t be more neutral. I think he is still partly living in the past and she could take me from him as well as everything else if he is not careful. He keeps all his old clothes and has terrible trouble throwing things away. Is she another thing? Or is it more to do with how I am dealing with this? I presume her fiance is OK with her contacts with him so why do I care? There is some kind of hold there. Or do I get some counselling to help me believe him? Please tell me how to cope! Let it go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS - they parted 5 years ago. He asked me to marry him before he knew she was engaged as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell it depends on your perspective. He has told me since I managed to speak with him about this that he is still fond of her but in no way in the same way as he is of me. He said he was lost about removing himself from his life and everything he owned. I won’t marry him unless I know that things are as they should be.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 July 2010):
He still has children with her, and just because of that she will always be apart of his life. You can't escape that, ever. She will always be there just because of that. If one of his kids was in an accident, they would come together. If they have a birthday, wedding or child, she will always be there. He simply can't cut contact with her. She will always be a part of his life. That is something that you need to accept, as there is no way of changing that.
However, I think the bigger problem here is that even when he was with you, he was trying to find ways to get back with her. I think you're right that he jumped into things too quickly with you. The price is that he suddenly realized he made a mistake and tried to get back with her. It didn't work. So he has settled for you. I do suspect that he still loves her even now. And I don't think that will go away either. So, the time has come for you to sit down and work out whether you really want to be with him. Because from where I am, you seem like you're second best.
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