A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 21 years. He has started a new job and is giving a female co-worker a ride to and from work. He picks her and her kids up in the am and takes the kids to daycare. Then after work around 3:30 he hangs out with her or other co-workers until she wants to pick up her kids at 5:00. Then takes them home and usually waits around a while longer to watch the kids so she can take a shower. This girl does not have a driver's license or a vehicle. He takes her everywhere she needs to go. When he finally does come home, he talks about these people constantly. I have told him several times that I don't like what he is doing. But he tells me I have nothing to worry about and that he loves me. He says he wants me to be happy, but he refuses to tell her to get another ride. Most of the time, she is not ready in the am and they end up being late for work. She doesn't pay him for anything and has even borrowed money and not paid back. When our daughter needed a ride to work the other day at 5 pm, he would not do it because he had to take care of the coworker. I had to take off of work early to get her to work. Am I really overreacting like he says?
View related questions:
co-worker, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (4 November 2008):
 Well done! Bravo! You really stood up for yourself and your family! I bet you feel a lot better. Keep us updated please.
xo
A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (31 October 2008):
 Fandabadosi!!!! Really well done. I am so proud of you. If it means he chooses to leave his job so be it. No wife can live like that and no other wife of his work colleagues would put up with it either. It is totally unacceptable behaviour and if he makes an issue out of it then we all know there is more to it than meets the eye. I am glad you called his bluff when he said that he would have to leave his job as he probably wasn't expecting that response. Keep strong and do not back track. Keep us all posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, tykdyidt +, writes (31 October 2008):
You did the right thing by telling him your true feelings and letting him know the consequences of his actions, should this continue. I know that sometimes you feel that maybe you are making too much of this and he is just being nice but here's the key; if a spouse is doing anything that upsets his spouse he should respect her enough to make changes to make her feel confortable and improve the marriage. Many times men put us in a compromising position and we accept that place but we would never think of doing the same to him. If you ever doubt your decision just imagine telling him that a friend of yours(male) needs you to take him to work, take him home, take care of his kids and best of all watch his kids while he takes a shower. The absurdity of imagining that coming out of your mouth will be enough to see that you are in the right and he needs to be changing his mental state. I think when men get older something in their head just departs and they rationalize until what they want to do sounds okay. Keep up the faith and prayer will comfort you through this difficult time.
...............................
A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (31 October 2008):
 I don't understand why he would prefer to quit his job?! Men!
Well done for confronting him, and letting him know where you stand. I admire you for that. I hope he realizes that he has been making a huge mistake, and works with you to turn this situation around.
Take care, and keep us posted!
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 October 2008):
 Yeah Baby! You did the right thing and you, your family, and your marriage will not regret it! Keep us posted!
...............................
A
male
reader, LostInABar +, writes (31 October 2008):
No there is something fishy going on if he cant take care of his own child over others.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I did it. I told him how I felt once and for all. I let him know that if we kept on our current track, our marriage would not last. Changes need to be made, I will be happy to make some changes in my behavior if need be.
But as far as helping people out and being a nice guy, I will not allow her or anyone else to monopolize his time any more. Told him he has a responsibility to me and our children. Children who, even though they are teenagers and are pretty much self sufficient, were home alone after school while he spent time with someone elses kids.
I told him I did not care what any of his co workers thought of me nor do I care what she thought. She may be too young and stupid to see a problem with the situation, but he should know better.
As one of you suggested, I told him she had a month to make other arrangements and after that she is on her own. I told him that if he did not inform her of these new rules, I would be more than happy to. He didn't say a whole lot, surprisingly enough. He did say that he should just quit the job. This time, I called his bluff and told him that if that was how he wanted to handle it, then do it. I'd rather he find another job anyway.
Now, we will see how the next few days go. I am curious how long it will take him to tell her. Better not be too long or it will cut into her search time for a new ride. Thank you all.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 October 2008):
I wouldn't give a rat's ass what the people at his work think of me, I'd still insist this whole thing stops immediately. Boo hoo for the 21 year old, she made her bed let her lie in it you better make sure your husband doesn't end up in it. Stand your ground, your marriage depends on it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your advice. I have met the girl...been to her house...she's been to ours. She's only 21, unmarried with a three and one year old. The kids dad is in jail, but was out of the picture before that anyway. Her parents live right across the street from me, but as far as I can tell they don't communicate much. The kid's grandparents on the dad's side live next door to the girl. But don't really help out much either. She's probably worn out her welcome. If I tell my husband to stop these rides, then everyone at his work will think I am just controlling and insecure. I have told him before to stop, and he talks about just quitting his job instead. But, we can't afford for him to do that. I either suck it up and continue the way I have or have everyone hate me for being a witch. Everyone will feel sorry for her and hate me. I can't help but feel bad. I hate being in this situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 October 2008):
Oh yeah this needs to stop now. Put your foot down.
...............................
A
female
reader, tykdyidt +, writes (30 October 2008):
You need to meet this woman! Many men fall into a trap of being helpful and needed but the other woman is aware of how this looks. I would show up at work some night and offer to take her home. You will know when you see them together. What does he say? Wow, men really are something. Be careful because when men are guilty they sometimes become upset when faced with the truth even....even....even if they have not done anything except in their minds.
...............................
A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot +, writes (30 October 2008):
I think you need to tell him to stop with the rides etc. now or he not bother to come home.
Finding a ride is her problem.
He is putting these people over his own family and that is just wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, cheryl99 +, writes (30 October 2008):
Your alarm bells seem justified. It sounds like rules need to be introduced into this situation. If he refuses to take your concerns seriously you might express them, politely, to her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): If he's not actually having an affair with her it certainly sounds like he wants one. Neglecting you and your kids in favour of her and hers doesn't sound too good to me. At the very least, maybe he's hoping he'll get a flash of her naked body after she gets out the shower.
So no, I don't think you're over-reacting
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (30 October 2008):
I think your warning bells should be going off here. This is an absurd amount of time to spend with someone who is just a colleague. i have to say that you are remarkably well balanced over this because if he had put this other woman and her children above being there to give a lift to my daughter I would have gone crazy. All I can say is that you need to tell him that this is just too much and it is upsetting you and you are not prepared to put up with it any longer. Your husband is not responsible for this woman getting to and from work and although he is doing her an unpaid kindness it is not normal behaviour for a married man. Have you met this lady? Sometimes if you get yourself involved with the other person so they can see you are a happy couple this puts the other party off and they may well back off. For a very short period of time an old boyfriend gave a co worker a lift each day and after a few times when I came with them saying I wanted a lift on route to town or whatever and I was not at all friendly she decided she didn't want a lift anymore. This woman is clearly going for the sympathy vote and just using your husband or there is more to it than he is letting on. I would be tempted to start checking his mobile for texts etc. I cannot imagine any woman being happy with this situation. You could say that you are happy for him to do this for another month which will give her time to make alternative arrangements and then after this period of time it stops. If there is nothing going on then he won't be bothered about stopping the lifts, babysitting etc. Good luck
...............................
|
