A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I’m 22, just finished university and have been in relationships for almost all of the last 7 years. I have cheated on each boyfriend besides the latest one for the same reason – I became bored and/or unattracted to them, realised the relationship would not work because I was not interested in them, tried to tell them this and they ignored me or begged me not to leave them and I became interested in someone else and kissed them to end the relationship instead of being straight up. This was out of cowardice and immaturity. I also realise now that I was not physically attracted to any of these men though I really thought I was at the time, I believed that if you got on well with someone and they made you feel great that attraction would follow. I have realised this is not the case since I started going out with my latest boyfriend over a year ago and I have no inclination to be with someone else even though our relationship has been turbulent, painful and non-existent numerous times. Although I have loved some of the other boyfriends, gotten on better with them, had more in common, laughed more with them etc there is this spark between me and this man that makes me very loyal to him.Basically myself and this man have trust issues, I kissed a couple of people on holidays before we started going out, I had just finished a 2 and a half year relationship and was torn between having become very attached to the new guy but feeling that I should have time on my own for the first time in 6 years. Myself and the guy kept in contact over the 9 week holiday and I told him that I was very loyal and attached to him but we both knew there were issues there – we played psychological games with each other before and while I was away, we both had partners that we were ready to leave until quite soon before I went, we had both cheated before (him out of immaturity and being partially taken advantage of by older, manipulative and seemingly unstable women. This is my conclusion more than his own), he had a security lock on his mobile phone so I could not read his messages, he told me during the summer that he would never refer to me in public as his girlfriend (which I now understand to be his immaturity and fear at the time), we both lied to “protect” each other about what was happening with our partners at the time among many other things. Underneath all this stupidity was a very strong bond that developed over time and a fiery attraction. After I returned from my holiday I realised how committed and yearning for me he had been while I was away and I chose to lie to him about the people I had messed around with because I knew he could cut all ties straight away if he found out I had “cheated”, even though we were not yet going out as such and I had been under the impression from what he had said that he would turn a blind eye to me casually being with people while away. I knew how much I wanted to be with him but had been frightened to commit because of the mind games and my lack of time spent being single. So we had a wonderful but fiery few weeks together upon my return that included dramatic arguments concerning our differences in morals. We both count ourselves as having high morals which may sound ridiculous considering the cheating but we are both actually committed, loving people who have high standards in relationships and are just still growing up . He is also 22. It started when he didn’t want me to be sleeping the same bed as my guy friends, even my gay friends after a night out or when staying over. I found this ridiculous and controlling, though at the same time I would have HATED for him to be doing that with other women. He thought it was cheating for me to kiss my gay friends for fun and I thought he was just freakishly jealous, though I now feel differently. I lied to him about what I saw as small details to placate him and eventually he begged me to tell him the truth about what I had done on holiday. I made the story less than it was 3 or 4 different times over a few weeks, letting more details out each time. This was extremely painful for us both as we had been seriously seeing other since I had returned home 3 or 4 months before and it made it seem as though how we felt at that time was how we had felt while I was away. So it did very much appear that I had been truly cheating on him and for a year since he does not trust me with men. He did not even want me to move into an apartment with male strangers but at the same time realises it’s unhealthy for him to control me in any way so he tries to be nice but often has mood swings and thinks badly of me. I know and he admits that if I had told him the truth from the start he would have dumped me right away.For 4 months after telling him the whole truth it was very rough and then we parted for a couple of weeks, still remaining in contact. I was writing my thesis at the time and hate being alone and was very vulnerable, needy and desperate for those few weeks which I now realise made him understandably very unattracted to me. We got back together after that and it was better over the next 3 or 4 months though there were still many fights that would often end in tears and a break up (mostly from me) only to get back together the next day. I am a confident, outgoing and very social person who speaks my mind and I hold grudges and find it hard to accept when my partner has a different point of view to me. I take it as a personal insult when my boyfriend thinks differently as I feel they are a reflection of me and my opinions. I know this is silly but I don’t seem to be able to hold my tongue and not be critical when this guy (or any other boyfriend) disagrees with me or my way of thinking and understanding things. Unfortunately for me this man is into business, working hard, going to the cinema, watching TV and playing the computer. He is talkative and warm but quite introverted and is a creature of habit. I on the other hand am creative, extroverted, love having fun and being close to people, going to the theatre, sport, reading literature, going to concerts and being spontaneous. I DESPISE him playing the computer and see him as socially retarded because he doesn’t deal well with strangers (outside of business atmospheres in which he excels) and talks to his friends online playing computer games instead of meeting them. He doesn’t drink alcohol, never has and doesn’t believe in it, would NEVER take drugs and gave me an ultimatum a couple of months into our relationship that he could not be with someone who would ever do them. I have tried a few different drugs for fun and believe that as long as you make sure you are as safe as you can be, it is not “wrong” to experience altered states as long as it is not to curry favour with peers, out of insecurities or deficiencies etc. I do not drink very much but believe that is very important in Ireland where we live to at least socialise in the pub as it can be very difficult to meet people otherwise. All my friends drink, and I don’t expect this guy to at all but I wish he were happy to at least come out and have fun with us. Very few of his friends drink but we rarely get to see them as he doesn’t really do anything with them.We don’t bring out the best in one another. I feel he doesn’t encourage me in my job and interests and I find that I am always criticising him because I feel hurt and vulnerable. He stonewalls when I try to explain that I am hurt about something and gets angry. I often do the same when he tries to express things to me and we both end up extremely aggressive, defensive and hostile. We want to make it work so much and all the bad stuff just falls away when we are having a good time together but we just don’t seem to be able to keep it like that. I find him regularly insensitive, and I know well he doesn’t do it on purpose but at the time in the heat of the moment I think to myself “Well if he thinks and acts like that I don’t want to be with someone like him” and then I break up with him and regret it a couple of hours later. We have huge fights every week or two and smaller but still awful fights every couple of days and it totally drains us. When he does something that upsets me and I try to tell him, often as factually as I can, he gets angry or dismissive and tells me to stop moaning at him all the time. But when I am upset i find it impossible to hold it in. I can’t make him understand that I don’t necessarily want him to admit fault, I just want him to understand that I feel bad. He doesn’t trust me at all and no matter how much I reassure him and tell him I want to be with only him, the psychological scars are deep and he finds it difficult not to be distant after I just go out with my female friends. I’m sorry for such a saga of an email, but please tell me what I can do? My mother tells me I need an older man who is particularly intelligent and can deal with my hormones and I know that myself and this man are probably just too young and intense for each other right now but we truly love each other, want the best for each other and want to be happy together. Thank you, Rachel
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (21 November 2007):
 That sure took a while to read. I'm going to address the issues I can remember. I'll apologize a head of time if I miss anything. First, the cheating. You have a history of, with him and before. The way to prove yourself is not put yourself in positions which may lead to being not so trusting. We all know alcohol lowers the will power of people, so going to the pub, without him, may lead to his suspecting. It's not right, but that's the outcome from being cheated on. They say time heals. I don't think, unless certain measures are taken, we heal, we just learn to cope better, but the pain is still there.
Now with not seeing eye to eye. Look at yourself, your habits good and bad, would you like to wake up to yourself every morning? We don't date because their like us, we do so because they're not. It's OK for him to see things different. The way you both look at things is called perception. You say you love him and he loves you. If you both love each other, do you want him to be a loser or a winner? If you don't want him to be a loser, then don't enter into an argument with the intentions of winning. It's not a game. Arguments are a way of seeing an issue from the perception of the other person, then developing a solution to a problem. What makes you absolutely certain you're right in your way of thinking, not saying he is. It may be that neither one of you knows what you're really talking about and are both wrong. Or you may both be right all though the direction taken is not the same.
Now lest talk about being an introvert. NOT a bad place to be, being one myself. I know you want him to be more active. You'll have to work with him in doing so. When you look at people who cheat, some people cope being cheated on by getting drunk and displaying destructive behaviors. Introverts, on the other hand, crawl into their shell. That's where you feel as if he's insensitive to your needs. Being sensitive in his position means opening yourself up to be vulnerable to present and additional possible pain. He's in his bubble because to an introvert, that's a safe place to be.
You two need to sit down together and redevelop your boundaries. Such as (1) You agree it's not healthy for the relationship to determine he has to see things the same way you do. (2) He agrees his business and everything is not going to suffer if he takes some time off to go out with you and escape an evening from his bubble. (3)You both agree its healthier to see things from the other persons side and not just from your own, even if it means passing the stick where each person has equal time to state their position, it may not change your position with the issue, but it does give you something to think about.
I hope this helps, take care.
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