A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was with my ex a year - we lived together for 6 months.He treated me very well, we got on very well, sometimes it almost seemed he could read my mind, he knew what I wanted before I did sometimes.He was in love with me, and, although I wasn;t madly in love with him, I did love him in my own way.Our relationship had a big lack of passion, and I feel this probably was from my part, I just saw him more as a friend/brother type and just didn't look forward to sex.Needless to say our relationship broke down, sex isn't everything but it helps, and he became insecure, sensing that my heart wasn't in it totally, and he was the one to break it off.5 months on and I still miss him. I don't know if it was because we were very close and comfortable with each other, or I miss the friendship, or that this is the first relationship where I have lived with someone and had to move out, which I found a big upheaval.We have recently got back to being friends...which is probably not helping how I feel...Why can't I stop missing him?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, A Cappella  +, writes (23 April 2008):
 You mistake "passion" for "love." Honey, you were in love with him, you just didn't know it.
Passion starts from infatuation, which NEVER lasts. After the infatuation is gone, you have to WORK at keeping the passion. People who believe that life with someone is always "happily ever after" probably have a couple of divorces under their belts because they gave up too easily.
What you do now depends on 2 things: (1) do you want to try to get him to take you back? (2) WILL HE take you back (3) do you want to get totally over him and try with someone new?
(1) You miss him. He's a good man. He's a friend. These are all good qualities. But if you want him back you have to work on the passion. It's something you'll need to learn to work on with any man, so you might as well work on it with him. But it takes commitment and work. And if you're not ready to do the work then he was right to break up with you and you should let him find someone who IS willing to do the work.
(2) That's up to him. If #1 is yes, you need to talk to him. Sooner rather than later.
(3) After all that's been said and done, it might be best to start over. But here's the thing: your heart won't fall for someone else while it's pining over him. You need to avoid him for a while, cold turkey. Anything else is promising your heart something you can't have. So work on being (or becoming) the person that will attract your Mr. Right. Get busy: join a sport club, sing in a choir, take a class. Anything (bonus points if it's with people). This will distract you as well as build your self confidence (and self confidence is SEXY!)
Good luck hon.
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