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male
age
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*archak
writes: I feel powerless. I have no control over my life except to say "no". I can stop the things that cause me pain but I fear that solution will only push me further and faster toward the edge of despair. I am at an emotional crossroads, a fork in the road at which I fear taking either path... and I cannot go back along the path that has brought me to this point. The road is but a metaphor, the true "path" is that of my mental state and cannot be retraced no matter how much I wish that could be done. Love is a strange and wondrous thing. It can take you to the heights of ecstasy but also to the depths of despair and into depression so deep that you contemplate suicide. Is nothingness better than the pain we all sometimes feel? A loved one has told me that feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all because feeling nothing at all is like being dead. But is being dead so bad when things in your life come to a point where the pain in no longer tolerable?We all feel pain at some point in our lives. Mine is approaching the point where it is unbearable. I have many doubts about the relationship I am in. It seems to be going nowhere. I think that my fiancé likes things as they are or is at least afraid to go forward. We live 2 hours apart but we usually only see each other 2 times a month and I have given her virtually complete control over our relationship. She was married but separated when we met. Since then, she wanted to keep our relationship relatively secret to keep from “rubbing it in” her ex-husband’s face. One thing that truly bothers me is that she seems to avoid talking about her “divorce”. After 9 months, I have no idea whether she is still married or not. All I really know is what she tells me. I want to trust her but, after this much time, it is getting harder and harder to do. She doesn’t want me to call her although she calls me almost every day and we always talk for at least an hour. But this is always in the morning or early afternoon… always at a time when her husband would be away at work…She says she has moved out on her husband and is living with her mother but she doesn’t want me to come there. Either she comes to my house or I meet her at a friend’s house and we go off somewhere on a trip to a concert or something and stay at a hotel while we are together.I love her very much and I want to trust her but it just seems that everything doesn’t add up. I suspect that I am being used. Am I just an affair? A diversion from a boring, humdrum life?I don’t know… and I’m afraid to ask because I love this woman more than I have ever loved anyone before. When we are together, I feel on top of the world but the rest of the time I just feel depressed and completely out of control.What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2007): Zarchak,
I'm not surprised you are feeling unbearable pain, and thoughts of suicide - suicide is NEVER a good solution! Please, talk to a suicide hotline if this is really a temptation for you!
Now, having said that, it sounds as if your situation with your gf is a large part of your feeling so bad. And with good reason.
She SAYS she has moved out of her ex?-husband's house, and is living with her mother. Have you ever talked to her mother on the phone to verify this?
She wants to keep your relationship secret from her ex?-husband to avoid "rubbing it in his face." Why? If they really are divorced, then she is free to form a new relationship with you - and he is free, too, to meet a new woman once he has healed from his marriage ending.
As it is, she doesn't talk about whether she is divorced; doesn't want you to call her, but calls you.
This is, as you recognize yourself, all very suspicious and I do wonder whether she isn't still living with him.
While you are in this "no-man's land" of uncertainly, you WILL feel terrible.
I can understand that you are afraid to ask her outright about her marital status, because you have a strong bond with her. You fear that you'll lose her, and be devastated to think she has been deceiving you.
But unless you can summon the fortitude to do so, you will not find out. It goes without saying that if she's still married, she is not free to form a real, committed relationship with you.
My final comment is to remember that the truth will set you free. Either it will be good news, in which case you can rejoice, or - your worst fears will be realized and you will be hurt and angry, very disappointed. You'll grieve for a time, then, we would all hope, the pain and loss will fade, and you'll learn from it and be able to move on with your life. Either way, surely it would be better than the despair you are dealing with now!
Begin to think about confronting her - persuade yourself that to do so is in your (and hers) best interests, and psych yourself up to do it, when you have had a little time to get your nerve up.
Let us know what happens.
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