A
female
age
30-35,
*ovesJamie
writes:Hello, I have been with my boyfriend for a year in febuary. Thursday night we we're on the phone talking about someon on the telly and he said what the one with masive boobs and I said yeah, how do you know shes got massive boobs and he said well you cant miss them babe there huge. This really upset me, it might seem trivial to the people reading this but he has always loved my boobs, he had never said anything to upset me this much before and we have has our fair share of arguements but this really upset me. I have explained to him i cant forget about it but won't bring it up all the time and will push it to the back of my mind even though I am finding it really hard. Last night we we're talking about being drunk and he said he got drunk round this girls house at a party which I had to problem with, then he said because I was going out with another girl at the time and they invited me I slept on the sofa and his current girlfriend then slept at the other end. I said did you touch her and he said well on her arm and that but never anywere personal. I found this so hurtful because whenever we lay together he normal wants to touch personally. Never just wants to cuddle and hold my hand or anything like he did with her. It makes me feel really upset, he knows me and Gabbie don't get on because when we started seeing eachother she was texting him saying she misses him - he didn't leave her for me we got together about a year later, he didn't really know me that well. My question is am I taking all this to seriously? I feel as if he is doing this to upset me even though he keeps saying sorry for what he said thursday. I told him sorry doesn't make it go away but I would forgive him. I have never felt this upset before and this is such a small thing that is making me feel so upset. Please tell me if you would feel the same - but please don't say get over it because I can't. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): What you've really got here are two seperate events, and I don't think you can really group the two together:
The boob thing is just a man thing and I really wouldn't get too hung up on it. The "you can't miss them" comment is really just the plain honest truth - men notice boobs. Period. Just because he notices someone leses doesn't mean he doesn't like yours. OK so it's a bit of an oafish way of expressing it, but men are oafs sometimes - you'll learn after a while that, as long as you basically like a guy most of the time, there's the odd thing he says/ does, that you just have to accept with a resigned sigh...
The issue with his ex/ female friend I do believe is a little more serious. the dynamics of the physical side of a relationship vary between couples. Some couples barely even speak to other members of the opposite sex, and are unhappy with any contact with exes at all. There are other couples who are actually good friends with each others exes, and who are fine with hugs, kisses on the cheek etc - some couples even go as far as a fully open relationship, where anything goes.
What's important here isn't what he did (which he may feel is perfectly acceptable), but how you feel about it. Relationships only ever work if you are both clear on what the boundaries are, and stick to them. It may not even have occured to him that you wouldn't be OK with this - which is why you need to make it clear to him.
Both of you need to sit down together and talk about what you are, and are not happy with each other doing - and be absolutely 100% clear and honest. Then he will know what the boundaries are, and that if he breaks them then he may well forfeit your trust.
If you really can't agree on what is acceptable (e.g. he thinks seeing his ex is OK, but it makes you so uncomfortable that you feel miserable), then the sad news is that it's highly likely that you're really not compatible. You need to part ways before you get in a big mess, and look for someone whose values and ideas about relationships are more in keeping with your own, and let him do the same.
A
female
reader, anneon  +, writes (22 November 2008):
 I would chalk all of this up to his age. When I started dating my boyfriend we were both 16 years old and he was a typical 16 year old boy, always ogling girls with big breasts, etc, etc. Now, we are both older, and he hasn't done those things for YEARS. Not because I asked him to stop, but because he's not as hormonal anymore! Your boyfriend is only young and I know it's not comforting but almost every boy his age is going to be like this. As men get older, some of them stop doing it. My boyfriend used to be a terrible flirt, watched porn, etc, etc. As time went on, he stopped doing all those things at his own choice, I never nagged him or anything he just stopped doing it. So don't get on his back too much about it, if you stick it out with him he will probably stop as you get older, and more mature.
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A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (22 November 2008):
 He is too young to act like a man. You'll need patience and keeping your emotions in control in order to show him the way a girl likes to be treated. IF he is rude, tell him he's rude and don't get in an argument. If he continues being rude and hurtful, walk away and let him wonder what he did to loose you.
Letting boys get away with treating you badly, only teaches them its okay and you'll take it.
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A
male
reader, ryandude18 +, writes (22 November 2008):
 i dont know if im the only one but i would never dream of saying that to a girl who i really respected if she liked me the same way. my brother says things like that to his gf of 9 years and im i am always amazed at how someone could be that nasty. he says worse though, he has eve cheated on her and they are still together................disgracfull i reckon.
I think if he wants you to be upset then god you deserve better but if he is just insensitive then talk to him and ask him why he said it in a calm voice, dont annoy him he will do it worse next time then. there is a big difference between byllying and just not caring enough! you have to decide what he is
god bless you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): Okay, I won't say "Get over it" but I will say "Get used to it!" Men (and boys) can be so insensitive to your feelings. Now the thing about the big boobs. That is her most prominant feature...so it would be like saying the one with the enormous nose. Just discriptive. If he had said the one with the gorgous boobs, I could understand your concern. Now, the thing about sleeping on the couch...that could be a little bothersome, but he was honest and told you about it. which to me sounds innocent. If it was anything else, he wouldn't have told you! A guy in a relationship isn't dead. He can't go through life with blinders on, never looking at another person. It's his actions that matter.
There will be times throughout your life when men say something to push your jealousy button. It's important to learn how to put those feelings into perspective and know how to chose your battles wisely. Lest you will become a possessive, controlling, insecure person...and perhaps lonely!
Counselling could help with processing all the feelings!
Good Luck!
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