A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid;I dated a man for a little over a year. Early in the relationship, he had dumped me for a old girlfriend and when that didn't work out, came back to me. He also has a teenage son who he has 50% of the time. They have things they do together several times a week, which I'm fine with. What I don't like is he says he'll call me when he gets homes, and doesn't. He does this often and many of the events/function his ex- wife is also there. A lot of it is insecurity on my part, but I also think it is inconsiderate. When we have plans together he shows up over a hour late and when I ask why he says his ex-wife needed something. He doesn't call to tell me he is going to be late. We recently had a huge fight over him and his ex-wife and no boundaries in his relationship. Am I wrong to accept this kind of behavior? Thanks for your advise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your thoughts.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (21 October 2011):
 Hi,
It's your choice, rather you want to stay with him, or move on.
But, I just want to let you know that like the previous people mentioned, he's rude, and it's a matter of respect. It's shouldn't be an obligation for him to communicate with you, send a message, call you and say hi. If he's late, let you know, it's just common courtesy. It's disrespectful to let someone wait.....
I understand he has his obligations with the ex, and his son, but no matter how busy he's , absolutely no excuse... doesn't take much to make a call, or send you a text message. If he cannot understand that? I don't see a peaceful future...
Beat wishes/ good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): He's in the wrong, no doubt about it. it's really disrespectful and rude to be an hour late and not even a phone call, no matter who he's supposed to meet whether it's you or a friend or some other family member or a coworker. If you tell someone you will meet them at a certain time, no matter who they are, it's rude to be an hour late and not even call ahead. just because she's the mother of his kid doesn't make her more important than you - his partner - in his life. sadly I think he doesn't respect you and that's why he behaves like this to you. you were not his first choice of partner, he only is with you because other women didnt' work out. this is a man who can't stand on his own two feet. I believe that if you dump someone you're saying it's not working out. So if it the doesn't work out with someone else, how does that change anything about the first relationship and why would he go back to you? the reason is because he can't be alone, he's just using you as his Plan B and his disrespectful behavior continues now. I suggest you not waste anymore time on him and dump him.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 October 2011):
 He sounds clueless and rude. I expect he doesn't up and walk out when he should leave because he is being polite.
Remember, he has a long history with the ex if she's the mother of his teenage son. That's something that a new woman will have to deal with.
Two issues: one is his inability to accord you the courtesy of being on time, or if he is not, phoning to let you know. The other is that she is going to be in his life forever, because of their shared parenthood.
Rather than get angry about it and show that you feel insecure, I'd start letting him experience the consequences of being late. That is, that you are no longer available to do whatever it was you planned. Decide what your tolerable 'grace period' is, 10 minutes, 20 minutes, half an hour, then tell him what that time period is.
"John, rather than have any more fights about this, I'm just going to do what restaurants do. Give you X amount of time to show up for the reservation and if you don't, the reservation is cancelled and you will have to call and reschedule for another night. Of course, if you notify the restaurant in advance of a problem, they will hold your reservation. I don't like fighting about it, so I think this is a fair way to handle your time-management issues and keep me from sounding like some insecure woman."
You're complaining about him not setting boundaries; there's nothing stopping you from setting your own. Be calm and serene and remain gracious and loving about it, just be clear what your boundaries are and then enforce them when needed. He'll make an effort if he values you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 Well it is up to you what you find acceptable or not, everybody has different boundaries. But yes he is not very considerate of your feelings what so ever. It is unfair of him just to turn up whenever he thinks and thinks it is OK. If he has made plans he should stick to them, or at least have the decency to call and explain. To be honest it sounds to me like he is just with you for a bit of comfort and doesn't have deep feelings for you. Because if he did he would be making more of an effort and not putting his ex wife in front of you all of the time. It sounds to me like he may still be in love with her and cannot let her go. If I where you I would tell him either he changes and shows you more respect or else it is over. The decision is yours to make. Good luck.
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