A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I was a single parent after my Ex walked out when the kids were 6 and 7.I made sure they had contact with their dad although in the early days it was hard to get them to go and one refused to go for over a year, mainly because of his new girlfriend. Money was tight,I had to work hard but we were happy.Fast forward to now, both in good careers, both relocated. I see them,contacts reasonably good even though they have busy livesOne has a lot of contact with his dad and family now,the other is developing a better relationship.I have a job,friends and a life of my own. I miss the old days but accept that kids leave and always encouraged them to do well wherever.I am becoming increasingly depressed and hurt though as their dad walked out and never put them first over the years only his needs and now he is mr wonderful. I realise its stupid,he is their dad.How do I get past this stupidity so it doesn't spoil what I have with the kids? I am not a bitter woman just deeply hurt for some reason.
View related questions:
depressed, money, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2014): From the question asker
Thanks for responses
Firstly, I can't see how anyone can be more sympathetic or understanding as to why he walked out, he simply vanished one day after years together. Then contacted us after a month to arrange collecting his possesions
Apart from that reading both your replies has helped a great deal and shed new light.I forgave him years ago to free myself from bitterness, now the kids need to move forward too.
CERBERUS yours bought tears to my ayes, your a star.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 June 2014):
 This is your doing. BEcause YOU were/are a great mom. I get why you feel the way you do, but maybe try and look at it like this. BECAUSE you raised your kids well (without hate for your ex) they are now able to have a relationship with him.
YOU have raised the kids well, they KNOW and UNDERSTAND what you did for them.
TAKE pride in the fact that they are able to spend time with their dad and take a little pity in the fact that he WASTED all those years of parenthood. He can't take that back, he can never GET all those experiences with your kids. BUT YOU got those experiences (and many more in the future).
And think on it like this, it about freaking time he manned up and BECAME their dad! So better late than never.
They won't need you less r love you less for spending time with him. My guess is they will actually come to value and love you more then they did, because they are able to HAVE a connection with him despite him walking out on you all.
Does it mean that you are wrong in feeling what you feel towards his "sudden" burst of Daddy-hood? No. I think that is ABSOLUTELY natural. But whenever it rears it's "ugly" head think of how it will help your kids and grandkids.
And ENJOY life. YOUR life :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2014): It's an understandable emotion, OP, even if it is completely illogical. It must feel like they've flown the nest almost into his but you know that's not the case.
OP you're their mother, they know and appreciate everything you've done for them, if you don't believe me then just ask them.
Regardless of what he's been to them in the past it's not too late for him to be good to them now and if having their dad be closer to them has brought them a bit of extra happiness or resolution to their lives then it's a good thing.
You know it's not a betrayal, you know they don't value him more than you and never will, so you just have to accept and respect their choice to allow him to build a relationship with them.
Believe it or not, OP it's a really good thing in their lives and yours too. The last thing you want is your kids to harbour grudges against him or live a life filled with bitterness, even if he has done very little to make them the people they are now, they deserved better than the father he was to them. Maybe he's realised that now and wants to make amends, and it's not in any way a bad thing if he does that either.
OP you'll get used to the idea when you realise that the bitterness you feel towards him is best not passed down to them, you surely must have always protected them from that or they wouldn't even entertain the idea of him being in their lives, so you did a great job.
Look just remember one thing, you're their mother and they will always need you in their lives, distance, age, relationships, nothing will ever change that, nothing will ever diminish the importance of you as their mother.
In this time they need your support more than ever, I had the "joy" of getting to know my absent father when I became an adult. Toughest thing I ever faced and he was an abusive asshole when I did too. There was never any doubt in my mind as to who my parent was, he might be my father but my mother was both mum and dad to me so he will never get that title. I think you should be proud of the fact you raised kids who know how to forgive and move on from the past. And you should be proud of yourself for raising them with an open nature that allows for reconciliation.
You did great, OP and still are doing great. The only emotions you should be feeling is pride as you watch the kids you raised become great adults. He'll never be able to claim a hand in any of that and that's something he'll always regret.
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (22 June 2014):
 Hi,
What you are feeling now is understandable. You are feeling sad and lonely because A: your children have grown up and left home, which will hit you hard having brought them up alone, and B: They are now close to their dad again.
You became very close to your children and went through so much to bring them up, afford them, love them, care for them alone...now they have flown the nest its a tough one to deal with. That's understandable but something you will get used to and, with the right mind set, come to enjoy the freedom and piece and quiet of the new situation. Regardless of the father situation, you would be feeling pretty sad and lonely right now having watched your children you have brought up alone leave your home.
Its only natural for your children to be drawn to their dad after all those years of near absence. Having a parent walk out on you like that, at such an early age, hurts a child a lot and can make a child insecure and feeling abandoned. Thankfully they had you to support and love them, but I guess they missed their dad and now have the chance to get to know him better. Getting close to their father now is probably as much about making themselves feel better about him walking out as it is about forgiving him or getting to know him again. Now that your children are grown up its not unreasonable for them to be more sympathetic or understanding as to why their dad walked out.
It may feel like your kids are spending more time and effort with your ex than you at present, but for young adult children (you don't give us their ages), its natural to go through a stage of being a little distant from the parent(s) who brought them up as they struggle for their own independence and want to spend time discovering themselves.
Mark
...............................
|
